Happy New Year

Wishing you all a very happy , as much as it can be, calm and healthy New Year 2013 xoxo

panic attack?

And again....

I am fully awake because of a strange dream I had. I recall that I dreamed about the fire, the fire of
my home. I came to a fire, of a strange big , like walk in cupboard/wardrobe I never had, with my husband and run to the kitchen for a container in which I could pour the water to put down the fire. I found a kettle and filled it up with water, and I was able to put the fire down , running and looking for my parents as I know they were at home, I found them in the bathroom in the bathtub full of water. Sleeping. Naked.

I screamed that there was a fire, and how they can not see it, and my dad told me that he knew there is a fire. Why then he didn't do anything to put it down? 

I had seen both of them kind a blurry, although I knew that they were naked in bathtub full of water and a bath foam on the water.

Then I remember a dog, nice dog, who bit me for some reason- I remember I provoked him. Then there was a lot of fire on the road and I was with my hubby his best friend and his ex wife - my cousin with whom I don't speak. Everything was on fire the rooftops, buildings, and we were running away. Somehow the fire stoped, somehow it was manageable to put it down , but the hell I feel fear now.
There was a whale not real though , but making real sounds - song of the whales is known to everyone I think. So, the whale was white and blue and was this kind of toy which you use on the water when you go swimming, you blow it and it floats on the water. But this one was like a real as it made a sound and moved and was really massive - like a real one.

I woke up to use the toilet, and to my surprise after it I came to the bedroom and I started to think about this dream, and I got very anxious , I had this pounding feeling in my chest and my ears were ringing. I felt like I am losing myself again, short of breath , so took the two puffs of the asthma relief, and then I realised that this might be a panic attack. So I opened the window and I started to breath and somehow I overcome that.



Now I realised that for the time I am at home - parents house, I was waking up at 3 am every night with symptoms of asthma but now I actually start to think that is was all along a panic attack , caused by my dreams. Today I checked the time and it wasn't 3am it was 1am. I can't go back to sleep after that , for no particular reason, so I thought I will write about it, so I will be able to speak to A. about it at my next session and to my GP.

So my dreams are really annoying , as they make me frightened and somehow prevent me from functioning as after the dream I am awake for a few hours which affects me, as I am tired through the day and I am not in mood to do anything.

Bloody hell , I hate my dreams  !!! The worse thing is that I rearly remember them but they have such an effect on my day, I am so angry and anxious because  of that!

the hospital story

As I had searched all the papers in my parents house I had finally found myPsychiatric Hospital discharge notes. I thought of different time frame but I was actually hospitalised for 11 days from march until the second week of April 2003. They had made a diagnosis of depressive reaction - whatever that means.

I will write the notes the psychiatrist wrote in the discharge notes.

The 23 years old patients hospitalised for the first time. From November 2002 there was a change in her mental health - patient becomes very sensitive, crying, raging, she found herself unable to concentrate. She had been on medication but her depressive symptoms get worse with persistent  "S" thoughts.

When the patient arrived she had been very moody , with tendencies of lowering, she was resignating with "S" thoughts. In the unit at the begining the patient was weepy, consistent and resonable  in her statements. As a reason of setback of her mental state she expose a stressful situation at home / persist from childhood/ . She was qualified for the therapy in Neurosis Unit, but she resigned.

Under the implemented treatment we observed a partial improvement of mental health. A patient asked for discharge herself, motivating this decition that she will continue treatment in the Neurosis Unit as an outpatient.

My medication at this time include Mianserin 60mg/day    

Carbamazepin Prolonged 300mg/day      

I will take notes to my GP for her to have a look at the medications I had been taking. It might help maybe, although I am not sure. The thing  I understand  from those notes is that I have neurosis, some kind of it at least. Well there is no surprise here, but I remember as well that she mentioned BPD to me . But she wasn't sure if I was suffering of it. She told me at a time that she needs more time to find out what was wrong with my behaviour, and why I acted the way I did. 

This makes me think that if I would carry on staying in the hospital, I would most probably have a diagnosis already, but well I made the decision to go home. It is just my fault then.

I am tired and frustrated, just felling fed up and so ignored by others that it drives me mad.

Who am I then?

I am 30 something woman who emigrated to foregin country , by clear coincidence. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a stranger, the neighbour, the owner, an employee, a  leader, a frightened individual with mind full of worry. I would love to give all that away for a moment, in exchange for a moment of calmness and peace. I do not enjoy sex as much as I did before, and I realised that I really don't have to be loved, as I don't love as much as I should and I have the unconditional love of my child and I love him dearly. I am frightened of everything, what it means - I am unsettleld, I worry  every minute of every hour of every day and avery week , or mayby not as much - there are peacful minutes there, they has to be. I am constantly tired, like I don't know how to relax, and I think about the worsed.

The GP diagnosed me with anxiety and depression , not clearly specified. But there is more to that. I have an eating disorder, not specified by doctor - thay think I have bulimia , but they never check that, so in my mind is unspecified ED. I make myself sick at least 4 times a week , althrough there are days where I make myself vomit 5 times a day, overeat at least 6 days a week it can come to 14-16 times a week. I remember some days of not eating, or not purge or binge. But no one bother to check what is actually wrong with me. I feel like I am left alone in the mud, no help around, no one bothers about me.

I am taking fluoxetine and propranolol for quiet some time now, does it help? I don't really know deep down I think it doesn't. But what I know I am not a doctor, as they think. The GP is convinced that I really suffer of depression , but I actually don't as I am not constantly sad and miserable. I am tired and worried which is more of anxiety, which I would agree I have. But there is more, I harm myself , I cut my legs, I hit myself, I smack my face, I pull my hair, and I am angry. I am so angry at times that I hate myself. I am getting furious on myself not only on people around me. It is like acting in, but there are moments of acting out as well. I will lose pacience with closest people in my life but very rearly with people I work with or I don't care about. I frighten my son by shouting at him , and then he hides behind daddy and I am not moved by it , until I realise after a couple of minutes that I scared the shit out of him ( excuse the language). I will get angry on myself for no reason it is just matter of minutes.

Forgetfulness is not to much of an issue to me, just because I think I am forgetting bad things which had happened. Amazingly I remember everything very well till I had put it right , and then I forget. Like with work if somethink bothers me , I remember it untill I speak about it with someone, and when I  will trust that the issue will be resolved, then my mind erases this. Why? I'm not sure myself, but that is annoying , on the other side it doesn't bother me much. It is frustrating as sometimes people ask me about it and I am unable to discuss it, simply because I don't remember.

Depressed - am I? Hmmm ..., I am somehow , I fell like there is part of me which is depressed. On the other hand I feel so alone and worthless, it is like differend world to me. I feel left out, not depressed as much, but even if I am depressed the sadness I feel is differend. I just can not explain , the more I think about it the more I am convined that I am not depressed , or maybe I am compleatly wrong and live in denail. It is difficult to say.

Actually I am freaking out right now , as my husband went out to see his friend , here is midnight already and he isn't home yet. I am sick worried that something might had happened to him. He has the phone on him , but I havent got the number to call him, which is very bad. I am so anxious that my heart is pounding , and my pressure is higher than it should be. I was so tired today and now I can not sleep , I have a mild head ache , because of this idiot being out there and not carying about me whatsoever. I am at home waiting for him and he is not comming back!
This really annoys me , and makes me very angry, I feel this bloody pain of uncertianity and it deives me mad. I JUST CALLED HIM ON HIS UK NUMBER AND NO ANSWER, GRRRY!
This just makes me more angry, and as I am worried about him , I want to scream at him, so irresponsible. Like a child , and he is a grown up idiot who can not think that I might be worried about him.

now another call went straight to the voice mail, where the hell is he?

And how I can cope with all that shit, the anxiety is reaching the roof, because of one dickhead who dosen't think.

I am honestly freaking out , send him a text and I am waiting for his reply.

Good night xoxo

So I am , Lonely , miserable, tired, anxious, and everything possible you can add to this list. My dreams are frightening me , they are just unbelievable , today for example I dreamed about my husband and I told him that instead of drinking with mates he has to do some other things and he got upset and run up and down the road so angry, it was so weird. The dreams doesn't make sense at all , but they are so annoying because I am unable to undorstand non of them.
So this year I was with the whole family , it felt nice to be surrounded by people over Christmass, my son had his birthday and loved when everyone sing him happy birthday. He was so happy:)
I am like a shadow at times , I am worried and anxious and I am unsure why this is happening . I feel like I am loosing at times. I just hate the thoughts of destruction, and I dodn't like to be worried but I am. I want to be able to relax , but I can't . I don't know if it is enythink to do with the environment or not. I am constantly tired and could sleep forever if I could. I wish I could be a worry free person. But I am not.

Still fighting ED and the weird thing is that I don't have to make myself sick by putting fingers in my mouth to get sick, I will go to the toilet and just be sick I would throw up without need to put fingers in. Which makes me feel good, as when I throw up I bend by the toilet and food is comming out of me. I am unable to control my eating , I will shuffle everythink what I can find eat, eat, eat, and then I hate myself for eating so much and then I cause vomiting as this is the only way to rid of the food from my stomache. I wish I could be in control , but I am not, I am so weak and this makes me upset. I wish I could be in control and it make me frustrated because I am not.

Dreams

As we come over to see our families I stafdted to be anxious every day and every minute. I have bad dreams I dreamed of my uncle having sex with me, I dreamed that I left work climing cknstructive dismissal as K. Was making acusations towards me and the store manager didn't believe me. So I felt really hurt and it didn't matter for me I just left saying that I will be contacting the head office in relation to the situation. Then there was another dream which I don't really remember but still I feel very unsettled and kind a upset.

then again the pain

And again the pain so overwhelming like I can't even cry. The mind so damaged that I cannot think. My body so damaged that the muscles ache, my head so heavy from the pain. I feel like a disaster , as nothing is fine. Again disappointment , there is no trust, I am so foolish believing wrong people. I trust and then get stabbed, in my back, by those I thought were honest and truthful. But now I realise that there is no truth , no honesty, no wishing people well. 

I am broken and my heart is squashed by people who were around me for whole my life. I got disappointed so many times in my life that I can not count. I got hurt, and I didn't learn the lesson I am tired of all that. I wish I wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't trust. I feel like an odd one in the herd, why ?

Because I feel so excluded and I rearely fit with others , on the other hand I wear my mask. I will adjust to the situation I am in , and I will act like the people around me. How weird is that?

Does anyone here feel that way? Is there another person who actually feel and see that it is depending on the environment they are in, for them to act different ways. I am smart and use really smart phrases when I need to show that I am intelligent. At work I am simple and straight, professional and honest, hardworking and helpful. At home I am myself, I think, the most. My mask is very light I only fake it in front of my husband and son , I don't want them to know how I really feel , that I might be hurt, and sad, and suffering. I will act like nothing happened, when actually I scream inside and if I only could I would tear myself to small pieces. I am screaming inside but no one hears me , I want to ask for help but I can't. How pathetic that is , but on the other hand I do survive, I survive my past so I will survive the future. I just feel so much pain, how to stop it? If I will stop it would I miss it?

God , I am so exhausted , physically and mentally and disappointed so much by everyone in the world. If I only had a courage to stop it all, I would. But I am a coward, and I am afraid, and a failier. I feel just completely numb, life is bloody hard .

disaster

I feel numb and so tired , I feel weak and sad , like I am not living. I again think like everyone is against me , I am becoming delusional. I am bloody scared of being here and now I want to change my job again . Though I am loving to work there, but the worse thing is that I feel like everyone is conspiring against me . That people want me to fail , that no matter how I will try there is not much I can do about it. I am physically exhausted, with headache and such an anxiety that I don't even think. How weird is that ? I don't think , my brain is just turned off I don't have thoughts in my mind, although I do work and do other stuff like I am programmed to do so. Massive, I am the kind of a person who want to please everyone. I am able to read people and the stupidest thing is that I am so bloody naive. I trust everyone and then they are taking advantage of me, and then I am hurt , and then again I meet new people and again I trust and again got hurt and again this circle is repeating. I am tired of all that I am tired of pleasing everyone, but on the other hand I love it , I love to be the best, the smartest, the cleverest and just such a quick learner. But after some time something is breaking down in my inside. I think like I have been cheated, people are taking advantage of me , they think that I am stupid and they want to harm me. I know it sounds so delusional, and I am realising that but hell I feel hurt. I feel like this is the thing which repeats itself all the time. I am king of a person who will start something but there is an issue with finishing it, even so I want that so hard. I am unable to accomplish it , like my high school I finish it but haven't done the last tests. Now with my college course I didn't feel like going to college when I had to, and now there are consequences. I might be able to finish it in January, if everything will go as expected. If not, it will be another fall and honestly not the last one.

I am currently so down that I haven't got any faith in myself, I feel so low. I am tired of being here now, so I am going to bed , good night.

xoxo

randoms

So I wasn't able to write for the past two weeks, I didn't really had a much time to do so. I have been seeing A for the last few weeks as some of you know, and I think she is helping me a lot. Not that she is showing me the way to go , or give me the solution to my problems , but she is actually listening and make me to think about the solution. Directing me like a guid dog for the blind, which makes me feel more confident. I spoke to her about K (colleague from work who I sincerlely dislike a lot), and then she asked me
- why do feel that way about her, what is it that she does what makes you to be upset and angry while she is around?

She reminds me of my mother, the woman in my life who should set an example, guide her daughter through the life , be a mother and a friend in some ways. But she wasn't and she still isn't. I know that she tries now to be a friend, because I think she is older and more matue than before, althrough I had to grow up fast and look after myself. She was and still is a rude person, hypokritc and arrogant, with delusions - yes she thinks that thigs are happenning when they doon't , but well that was her choice if she wanted to make it right she would liik for help , right?
 She thinks my dad is cheating on her , well if I will be a husband with such a wife I would cheat as well. Athrough we hae differend opinions what cheating exactly is. As for me it is a romantic relationship with somone while you are in relationship. What I mean is that I have sex with someone currently, but I don't consider it a cheating on my husband because I don't hae any feelings for that man it's just a sex. Where for most of the human population cheating means sexual relationship.Well I think our opinions aren't this same for a reason, to make people different, and because we are so varied in so many ways this is the reason we can leave with eachother.

So basssicaly K is reminding me of my mother , and here A made me realise that there is so many simularities between my mother and k, which is good so I partially know where I am with K

Anyhow, good or bad , recently I feel so normal. I dont feel like I am pressured , I dont feel hyper either the only trouble is the sleep, or maybe lack of it. I can not sleep, but I am so tired. But if I have less sleep I have more energy through the day, well thats good but I feel like its not enough , it's a bit confusing. Well it is like most of my life - confusion.

I am going to see my GP on wednesday as A. said that I should do it because of my differend moods and that i dont think fluoxetine helps me much. Maybe there is somethink else there, well at least A suggested that a few weeks back, maybe she is right maybe it is worth to mention . We will see what she will do about it.

xoxo

Back Again

So here I am again with my head full of mess, and frightening thoughts, if I only could or be brave enough to end the pain. But i am not , not as brave and courageous as I wish to be. I was laying in the bed with my little D and thought about cutting my arms , and if I will be strong enough to call for an ambulance if there will be a need to do that. If my husband would find me with my arms cut and blood around, he will definitely say how irresponsible of me . Those thoughts are scary, I just had like two hours sleep an I feel really rested, but my head hurts I have stupid thoughts and I feel really annoyed. I ask M ,my husband to tidy up today , so he had found a time to make it tidy a bit although not to my standard so I had question him, and obviously I used my strength against him. I grabbed his face with my hand, saying that I wanted you to clean ages ago, he looked at me asking if I have to abuse him. I said yes as you aren't doing anything I asked you to do. This makes me so angry , like really properly frustrated and unhappy. Grrrryyy. I feel rough, tired and sad, I feel lonely and desperate. Desperate for what? I am unsure myself, but I have in my head that I need attention. Laying in bed I thought of K she is my problem , and I know they won't rid of her from work. So I had decided to look for another job, yes, I love to work in my current workplace, but I feel like I want a change and that I can not commit full time and without that commitment there is no progression chance for me there. As to be a manager I had to commit full time, working like 39 - 50 hours a week. I still have a life, right ? I just had a laugh with M , it was nice. Yes he makes me laugh at times , so I think It's not so bad overall. But the hell he is annoying at times so much that I can not stand him, like today he put music on and was making moves so idiotic that it made me angry. Why? I don' t know for sure, but it remaind me of J - the guy I was living with after moving to he town I live in now, he was a jerk saying it shortly , and when he dance the moves were so awful like I can't describe. It's just so bad, making me think of it. By the way I meet with him a month ago for a coffee and then we went to his place and we had sex, yes , I know - so stupid . I didn't had my pleasure which was as usual, he is like a hungry lion who doesn't tastes food just consume it to feel full. O well so stupid of me again, and he paid me like £20 for it, and I thought crap I am so dumb, I haven't still learned that he just want to satisfy himself stingy disgusting man. Why am I saying that , coz it was agreed before hand that he will pay me, I am not sure why , because it is not like we lack the money, it is he comfort of me saying I haven't cheated, where my husband doesn't know about it , and its not like I don't feel saisfied with M, I do. But I am weird at times and this makes me feel like yea why not to try something new or different , as it is really new. And now I see him every week he comes to my store he doesn't approach me he is not coming even to say hello, as he suppose to think about my regular sex visits to him , where he will pay me for it. So he didn't contact me and after a week I decided that even if he comes now it is too late, he is too much hassle. Now as I said I see him in my store and I am quiet sure that he knows that I look at him and that I am aware that he is there, but still he is not even looking at me when I spot him. O well it have to ended one day and I think this day had come. Fare well J and I just hope I won't have sex with you again.

So anywa that's crap isn't it it just happens randomly, but I feel so much pressure now, I was wondering if I should really see a doc as A said. I do hesitate to go and see her, but it might be an idea of getting different med , or something additionally to fluoxetine, as I use a propanol in small douses, like ne tab daily and sometimes even not that. Although there are times that I take it more , like when I am anxious or very stressed to calm myself down. Fluoxetine doesn't help as much as I thought it would but stops me somehow from regular binge . I still binge like today I overeat so much hat you can not believe with chocolate , smoked fish and marzepan, and hen I purge it all out through the drain. The amazing thing is that I am loosing weight so now my weight is 97 kg whickh is just below15.5 st. This makes me proud, on he other hand my skin is not so elastic as before so I try as hard as I can to make it tight, though it not exactly happening, but at least in clothes I look fine, right?
Then I binged again when boys came home, as I was feeling hungry but when I eat I usually overeat , and hen I am too full and. Have to rid of that feeling of fullness. I honk I had a bit of a rough day today, I didn't mention that I smack myself across the face today again, beside cuts on. my legs. I feel exhausted at times and as I mentioned in other posts sometimes I wish I could just switched off my mind and stop thinking, so I would use the OFF button today if I only had one. I also realised that I am in bed from yesterday, what I mean I cam home and I went to bed at 5pm wake up at 8,30pm and went back to bed at 9.50pm slept through the night and wake up at 7.17 am, take D to school come
back , and started to write the assignment for tomorrow staying in bed. Then at 4pm after dinner I went for a lay down as I felt really tired, I browsed sme jobs and I fell asleep around 6 pm, I woke up when D. come to bed after his bath and it was 8.30pm. And I lied with him thinking about all the stupid stuff. I feel now like my head is massively heavy, and hurts me . I feel numb and so tired and then tomorrow I have the assignment in college and I don't feel like going there as I feel so tired. But if I won't go I won't finish the course and I won't get the certificate. So pull myself together and prepare for performance review tomorrow.

XoXo  

Yesterday's session

So I have seen my psychotherapist yesterday, and that was the thing which made me not to go to work today. Why? I will explain everything now.
I went for yesterday's session and we spoke about one of my colleagues who is actually on this same position as me, but this person is really mean and unprofessional , she always have to have everything her way. Like she made me feel worst than her, but am I really. She is a foreigner as me , and she thinks that this is her store and her department even though it's not. She makes people feel bad about themselves and thinks that this is ok. I just can not stand the confrontation with her. What I mean is that she makes me feel uncomfortable and somehow guilty, I don't understand that . I wish I could. She manifests her power , always , when I am there showing like she is my boss. I sincerely hate her, like no other person in my workplace. So basically yesterday we spoke about her and my mother, A. asked me what is that about K there , that makes me uncomfortable and that I can not confront her. I didn't know until we spoke about my mother that she is an ignorant, arrogant , hypocritical and basically rude as K is. Then as we talked about my mother I said " if its not her way it's no way" it's this same as I say about K , she makes me act the way I would with my mother. Although she is not my mother, she is some strange person who picks on me without a reason, so I will have to learn how to confront her. This will be very hard to do though , as she makes me feel like there is no point of talking to her as she doesn't listen , so does my mother. I am unsure if that is the reason but I am about to find out , and hopefully it will be sooner than later.
I didn't went to work today as I feel so low in mood , I wouldn't be able to work with K today , I think. And for most of my shift she would be there , I feel like I can not see her at all today. I feel down and kind of numb, I cried already and harm myself again which I haven't done for quiet some time. I looked at myself in the mirror and was verbally abusive towards myself - why? I don't understand my behaviour but I think that A is helping me a lot to understand what my life is about , and why do I act in such strange ways at times . Although after yesterday's session I'm feeling so low, and in so much mental pain that I can not even describe.  We talked about my father as well as I mentioned that my store manager makes me feel comfortable and assured , when he is there there are no problems. I feel confident around him, and I am always there if he needs help. When I feel like he is upset or angry about something I will avoid him, but I haven't got the hurt feelings, the next day is always better. Now he is on holidays and I know deep down that I would go to work today if he would be there. But he isn't. As A said I am a professional person and like to be clever, she made me think why I really dislike word" stupid" as always when is mentioned I got upset or loose my confidence. I want to bee seen as smart, clever and professional , and I am very proud of my achievements. Which is a truth , I am proud and I like to be clever. I am very protective over D , my son and I really want him to know that I love him the most in the whole world. And that he is my motor, and the person who still keeps me together. I wish as well that I could speak to my husband like before about everything, as now we really talk about stuff. Before we couldn't stay quiet, where now even though we both are home we don't talk to each other. This makes me feel bad, as sometimes he wants to talk and I am just dismissing him for no reason or I am not interested in the subject. But now I feel like I owe him just because we are not talking , we could loose each other. And that is the reality.

Making a conclusion , I hate my mother , K remained me  of her although she isn't my mother and I have to learn to realise that. As she will take an advantage of me constantly which isn't good, and makes me unhappy .

so here I am

I went to see Amanda on Tuesday. This felt awkward as I entered the new room, and sat down in small couch opposite her. The ticking clock, made me anxious . I feel like I am surrounded by the quietness and ticking clocks. Amanda tried to ask me how I am , and I said I am fine, I just hate the quiet. She asked me why , because it made me uncomfortable and anxious. She asked me how I know that I am anxious, at one point, and I told her that it is a funny feeling in my stomach and it isn't fully uncomfortable- it's alright. I have sweaty and at times shaky hands with my heart pounding, short breath or feeling like I am unable to breath, at times when anxiety is overwhelming I have that feeling of a bump growing in my throat making it painful and very uncomfortable - the feeling makes me feel like I choke, and I can not stop it no matter what.

 I told her that I am a lucky person and I do achieve what I want always, she didn't quite understand what I meant and so I explained. When our pet was in urgent need of a vet and when I couldn't afford the treatment the vet offered us reduced charge. What I mean is instead of paying £800 we paid £100, and that is why we still have our pets with us, as the only other option was to put him down. Amazing , huh? The other thing was our flat I really wanted to have my own place in the world , and here I am having a council flat which was fully renovated with new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Nice right?

So Amanda said that it is actually like something there is watching over us- over my family. Which is great, if I only could sort out my head , that will be perfect. We spoke about my mother, very sensitive subject for me , I really got upset speaking about it. I had feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and self pity - when talking about my mother.

This was a second time I meet with Amanda and the second time she mentioned that I am a passionate person and I am open and honest. Which made me feel really good about myself, as no matter how bad my head is I have still somehow control over who I want to be.

I told her as well that I don't know who I want to be, and I am still confused. She told me that this isn't that it is about finding out who I am and working on it. But here is the thing I don't know who I want to be - and it is not I want to be a Marlin Monroe or Jessica Alba . It is about the boredom , that I haven't got any passion really, no hobby. It is all about how I see the future - Actually not seeing the future, as I don't know who , why, for what reason I want to be. I still have at the back of my head that I have a lovely 5 year old who needs my support and guidance3, and if I am confused in relation to my future how possibly I can guide another human being? How I can make him a passionate young person who will have a purpose in life? I am about to find out if I am able to find my way in life, which will be a great achievement.

meeting Amanda

So, last Wednesday I had seen my counsellor, her name is Amanda. I thought I will be more obstructive with me giving away all the things I wanted to say. But it was all right, it felt right and comfortable. I haven't been fully open but it is understandable, it was my first session. She listened. Which was grate and made me feel peaceful, talking about things made me jump up and down with emotions. I was angry, frustrated, calm, comfortable, sad, and any other related feeling passed through at that time.So Amanda it is :)
I will keep a diary if I could find a time about the sessions as it is always good to go back and have a look at things we said and discuss.

Other thing is that I lost 2.5 stone, which makes me feel good and comfortable. I still binge and purge, but not as much as before. Although I had been taking senecol at times and I drink oolong tea, I am wondering if that helps. What I realised, I eat what I want but I have 2-3 days a week with very reduced calories intake and this makes me loose weight. I have a chocolate bar, or a cheesecake or a pizza - like today , with dips and I still loose weight within a week I think I loose average a 1kg a week which is all right. I'm happy, as the lost weight I'm keeping off so there is no yoyo effect which is brilliant.

I need to loose another stone till Christmas, so I might be able to reduce the calories intake  until 20th December as then we are going away. It will be great if I can keep it up.

I still get very angry and frustrated , like today when I punch the wall and my hand hurts now and it's bruised. I only wanted a bit "me" time, but of course no one else thought it was a good idea. I just wanted a bit of lay down , but my man and my mother decided that they all need to talk to me!!!! Frustrating , like this couldn't wait. WTF , why no one understand my frustration and then when I shout everyone is asking why the hell I shout! Daa, because no one is listening, what the hell is wrong with all of them. I don't  expect much,only a bit of understanding that sometimes I need time to myself?!

My dreams are still affecting my life, I think a lot depend on them , my mood the people I meet. Like tonight I dreamed about my cousin and she wrote a message on fb to ask me How are things. Weird, as she hasn't tried to communicate for the passed year. Is it a coincidence? I do believe that my dreams mean something more than just a dream.

I will leave now , but promise to come back soon xoxo

random thoughts and my personal hell

I want to tell you about my thoughts, I am afraid recently and I quiet don't undorstand that at all. I feel like my life is somehow coming to the end , is it just my mind playing? I am frighten that the world is coming to the end, weird right? I am unsettled and anxious, I think a lot and I am frighten about everythink. How come I did get to that stage? I am feeling kind a lost in the world of my self. I am thinking what the hell had happend or what is going to happened in the near future.

Today I had a nap at the afternoon due to the bad cold I'm having and I had that dream about work. This was a strangest dream I had in weeks.
I was at work and there was my hr manager from the previous store I worked for, and I hate her. I spoke to one of the colleagues and ask, why she was in our store, and she told me that S our store manager had brought her over to work in our store. What the hell I thought, I was very upset and I wanted to talk to S about it , but the coinsidence wanted her to be around and S asked me what I want to talk about and she answered him, withought giving me a chance to speak to him myself, that this is probably about The HR course I am currently studying. I didn't say anything I just thought , you fucking bitch u know nothing and you speak on my behalf in my presence. I felt degraded as I felt in the other stor with her around. I just can not bear in mind the thought that she will, by any chance working with us! Any way there was that moment with water and drifting house, It looks like floating house which can be standing on the ground as well as floating on the water. This freaks me out as how the hell the house can float?! Besides it is often in my dreams that the house is floating on the water, and what the hell does it mean? I just relaised today that this is a common dream the floating house, and today in this dream I had been talking to the person who wanted to buy the house and I refuse to sell it. And there was a fire, I had seen from the distance the tree in fire and a lot of fire engines going that way, and I felt uncomfortable and weird. And the atmosphere was weird it was dark and it felt lonely and empty.

I feel just sad about all that it gives e goose bumps, and makes me tired even thinking about it.
xoxo

anxiety and stomach cramps

Today was the day where I didn't know what was really happening. I was trying to stay focus but I was unable to. I started cleaning today at the afternoon and it made me so vicious, I was keeping my self tight and didn't had a blow up. So no one had suffered , but what the hell it is for me to hold it back. I was shaking inside like this other me wanted to come out. I was in a state when I thought of banging my head of the wall, to stop the urgency and thoughts of tearing everything apart. I don't undorstand myself and I don't know what cause it, what I know is that I hate to be in this state, as I can hurt people around me and myself. I thought of self harm as well but I was unable to do it, because my hubby planned a sexy night. So cuts are out of order today. But I make myself sick, just eat and eat and eat and then throw, everything, up down the drain. I feel so angry like I would expload in a rage. I still keep myself calm outside, I feel like this massive ball is growing in my throught making me feel pain - it is difficult to describe . I wish I could be easy going and so chilled out but I am not, I an unsettled and unhappy, with my head full of annoying random thoughts.
Now I am worried as well as I am in such a debit, when and how will I pay it of? That question is stuck in my head , but this didn't stop me from buying new shooes for my boy today. It is pathetic, as I know it is bad to spend money you haven't got and then spending them any way and getting in to more debit. I am angry on myself because of that as well. Crap, just stop, don't think, relax, I am tired. Phisically I feel ok, but mentally drained and annoyed by the fact that I am unable to help myself, and that I haven't got the power over that stupid things in my life.

Those random thoughts are annoying as well, because I don't give them enough attention , but some of them are really good. I am forgetting them and I am trying to remind myself what was that I thought of, as it was such a good idea, and I can not remember and this makes me so frustrated I feel dumb.

I really want to cut , to feel the pain as the mental pain is so bad.
xoxo

Sick and tired of Myself

I feel anxious and unsettled. I feel overloaded and completly miserable at times. I am tired and my mind doesn't work clearly , I can't think clearly. I have those milions of racing thoughts I am all confused and disturbed at times. I am feeling angry , every single thing is annoying no mater how big or small. I just feel hopeless and fed up with all the crap around me. I spend around 3000 pounds within last month justto feed the need of buying. I throw a lot of food, because it get expired. I buy too much as for our small family. I had spend 225 pounds on a handbag, really nice and green. Positive colour , right. The pity is the price of it. The money I haven't got. It is just bloody crazy, what the hell , why this is happening to me?! Over spending , binge , not eating, anger, confusion, sadness, mental pain, tiredness, unable to sleep. I think I am overworked - job, college, family commitment, volunteering, and now there is no time for the gym although I am singned up. I might be able to go tomorrow, let see. I just wish the confusion would go away and my mind will be very clear, that is what I want now.

I feel that I can not concentrate at all my thougts change so much. I am having a difficulty to do anything, even shopping as I am forgetting what I have to buy. If I dont do the thing I am thinking of, immidiately, I would forget it, and I try to remind myself what was that I wanted to do and I simply can't. Like I am planning to buy certian groceries and when I am in the store I would buy so many items which are not needed, and forget the one I really want.

I feel just tired.
xoxo

And so the life goes on

I haven't mentioned before but my parents were staying over with us for a bit. They came over for a holidays which they hardly can afford. I loved that my dad had come , I was really glad that he finally visited my home. They live in the other country and arent ritch enough to come and visit every so often. My mother stayed for like 5 weeks and my dad for 2. It was alright we went for a boat trip down the Thames and visited the one of British Palaces and the gardens, we went out a few times and done some shopping. Thanks to that we are in serious debt right now. But this is due to me I can not stop, I am spending money for silly things where I should save money for colleage and the christmass trip home. But I simply can not control this overwelming urge to spend the money I haven't got.

It was alright when my parents were here, my mother as usual annoying terribly at tyimes. She knows best ! She guide us how to rais our boy, damn you woman! She was the worsed mother possible , very angry and challenging , degrading me for the life I remember making me feel tiny as a mouse. I hated her and I hate her now for things she is saying that she never smack me or my brother bottom - lie. I remember very well her grabing the extention cord and smacking me with it whenever on my body . I had such a big purple marks on my legs, bottom and back. I hate when she saying what a perfect parent she was. Bull shit!
It makes me very angry when thinking about it, on the other side I know I don't want to be like she was . I want my child to love me and respect me as a parent. I do expect a lot from him but as well I am a believer and I know that there in life is always a time to develop and learn . I am trying to be undorstanding and love him as he is.

The other thing which bothers me at the moment is that I have to take a loan for my study, and write 3 assessments and I have 4 points to reffer from my previous work. Damn you college , but without it I won't achieve the standard of life I want for myself and my family.

I as well have seen a consellor and I hope they will call me back saying that yes I will have consuelling service. I know I need it to talk to someone to find out where there is an issue in me.

xoxo

I am still here

I know I haven't been on the blog for some time now. I am just so extremely busy. I am going to the gym at least 5 times a week doing something about my weight and I lost 9kg which is alright for the period of 6-7 weeks. I still binge and I will make myself sick to rid of it . But I am calmer more than before, although I didn't have much time so I didn't renew my prescriptions and honestly I miss my dose of fluoxetine. I feel eager at times and so angry at myself . I still cut my legs and I am tired of my life at times. I have these visions like I would stab myself with a knife or anything else just to hurt myself as I feel so much pain inside. I want to be a better mum for my child and it makes me upset when he doesn't listen to me nither do what I ask him to do. But there is my fault in that as well as if there wasn't he wouldn't do it and he would obey whatever I ask of him.

I started counselling last Monday and I am just waiting for their call to say when my sessions can start , so CBT wasn't for me as I had found out that first I need to know the roots of my problem and then I can take some steps to deal with that. The person who assessed me first - on Monday was so nice- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS IT .  I feel like this is the right way to go for me. I didn't feel that with the Right Steps so now I feel like I am doing the right thing. 

I am still confused about everything and I need a bit of time to myself but this can wait , I like that I am so occupied and this makes me feel good . I am tired but this is good this eats my energy and I am more in control.

I will try to update more , I hope it will work .

xoxo

past 3 weeks

I have been here all the time, I just didn't had a power to write. Few things happened during that time. My parents came over to visit, my dad left on sunday my mother is staying longer . O well I have a bit of time to myself then. I had signed up with the local gym, and I will be trying to get there at least 4 days a week. I hope I could stick to it well. I had an argument at work and I left my workplace unauthorised , but I felt belittled and so small , I had to leave. I cut my hair very short , and I called counselling service - to arrange the assessment. I feel tired and upset but on the other hand I am motivated , but hell I binge so much and I am so tired of all that . Sad , huh

husband

I hate my husband so much he is such a pain. He is constantly busy with his own tasks not helping me at all , when I ask him to do something he does hesitate to do it. Until the point when I can not handle it and I would shout at him or simply hit him hard , whenever. I don't think about it until it's done . Today for example I asked him to take rubbish out and he told me he doesn't have his shoes on nither empty hands. But he actually could take the bin bag to throw it away. I got very upset I told him how useless he is and took rubbish out myself. I really do everything by myself. I hit him in the shoulder really hard as well that the punch cause his hand to feel funny. Never mind I don't care. I am so angry with him now that nothig could possibly change it.

I am so angry because he is freeking lazy, I do undorstand the times when you are out of power and you are phisically unable to do anything , just lay in bed and sllep. But he can not be like that always , can he?!
I thiought he would be more of help when he will go part time, as he took a part time job with NHS. He finishes his job at 12 midday, is back home around 13.30 and does nothing. I work full time and on top of that I have my fucking depression and whatever disorder I have , ten doc appointments, son nursery now it will be school , our family pet , cleaning , cooking and everything else .Grrrrryyy I am so bloody angry just want to scream and tear my hair off my head. I am calm outside because I have my parents at home , probably if they werent here that will be a home war, between me and him.

What I want is just a fucking help, with the housework , not only laying down with his phone nither playing on xbox constantly. This doesn't benefit us as a family, he is so stupid I think at times that I want a divorce as I know I would only blame myself if something would be wrong as I will be on my own. Right?!
Just feeling fed up and angry.

CBT continue

I had attended the CBT introduction and got in to conclusion that this will not be a good thing for me, I had spoken to one of the therapist and she advised that it would be best if I will try counselling. So I got the phone number and email and I should contact them asap. But I hesitate. Why?

I am just afraid to do it, and I am sure that I need someone to listen to me and this will be a good thing for me. So I have to gather myself together and call. That's just a phone call, but it makes me afraid for some reason and I am not sure afraid of what.

I am tired of being afraid and I want to sort it out my life and find out what is there in my mind.

I have to learn to be courageous.

looser

Why it feels so weird?

I feel like I am in a movie kind of a thing. I feel like I look at everything from a perspective of a viewer.

I don't understand that, it makes me feel anxious it bring some weird memories back, which I am fully unable to put in place, I don't know why I feel that way. I feel worried and can't stop that feeling, On the other hand it is understandable because you can not work on something you don't understand.

It was pretty good, lazy day today. The bad thing is that I eat and eat and eat. I though I won't go to the toilet to throw out, I did it only once. Now I feel heavy and uncomfortable as I eat sandwiches and had tea, but I don't want to go and vomit all out. I feel tired and sad , my mind goes completely blank at times. I hate to be anxious and I don't like this worrying feeling in my chest. I wish I could change it , but can I?

I can probably with motivation and positive thinking, I should be able to pull it through, but do I want that ? On the other side? Maybe I meant to be worried and sad, with my mask on when facing people around me or when working.

I am ashamed of my mental problems and I don't discuss that with anyone. I don't feel comfortable to talk to people about it as I think they will think I am crazy. I don't want to be judged, it is enough that I make myself miserable at times because of all the feelings I have. I wish I could push the button and it will make everything so easy and simple. I can't and that's the problem, I am unable to take charge of my life, I am not in control and when I am realising that it makes me more frustrated and unhappy. Why I can not control my actions and behaviour at times, why I can not be in charge of my life? I am weak, very weak I give up a lot without any logical reason. When I was younger and prettier I was somehow in charge. I choose the people I meet on my way, I choose who I slept with and at times I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was behaving like a whore, sleeping with a man around. Not feeling any guilt, only at times I felt like this was wrong, I got paid for sex so many times. But on the other hand I needed the money, so this was kind of a solution for me. I am unable to do that now as my body is disgusting me, I have so many stretch marks all over and in such a weird place that I am ashamed to get naked in front of my husband, the other thing is that I am so bloody  fat that I hate to show that to others. Even if I want sometimes. I need to lose weight and if I will I will be more comfortable with myself , my confidence will improve and I might be able to go out and do things around. Why I am not determined enough? 

I feel odd, like I am in my own world, bad fantasy world when nothing goes as I planned. It is sad to even think about it. As no one even read those posts I am not even worried that I will have someone who knows me reading it . Never mind I just let the emotions out.  

rage and hunger

I think I am raging lately I binge a lot  more than before, and then I feel guilty and then I punish myself. I don't actually see the point in that, but I am doing it. I know it is wrong, as wrong as not eating, but actually if I wouldn't eat will be better for me, I wouldn't waste the food neither money spend on it. My son get really frightened when I shout at him, he cries, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to do something, and then my patience ends and I am like a Vulcan, I blow out with such an anger and then, I am sorry and I am ashamed and I hate it. I don't understand the way it is but I know that the feeling of anger is so overwhelming that I cannot control it at all. I know inside that my behaviour is bad , but I am unable to stop it and I know I will be regreting it shortly after. My moods are really showing off as well I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes. Which is really bad and makes me uncomfortable. I can get tired in a moment so bad that I feel like I will fall asleep standing. I can get really hyper and start doing a lot of things, or just occupy myself to keep going. I get frustrated and it makes me unhappy I would rather don't care about things so I will have peace of mind, but no, I am a challenging person . I feel like going on a diet and eating less and loosing weight is helping my confidence like everyone anyway. I just want to be more focus on my goal I want to be more determined, like you see throughout the weekend I haven't lost any weight I think it was because I binge so much and purge. I think I had gained like 2ib over 2 days. I crave chocolate, and curry. This makes me sad because I really want to achieve the goal of my weight loss and I crave and binge and eat, eat, eat. Where instead of eating I should just drink water or green tea, or anything to cheat my stomach and my cravings. I want it to stop, I want to be able to lose weight I want to be able to control my anger, I want to be patient and set an example to my little man. But I am not doing it , and this makes me very frustrated, I have to punish myself because I am not achieving the target as I want to. I need to concentrate more on the goal, try to be more patient, stop binging, eat less, exercise more. I am working today so it shouldn't be so bad as I don't like to eat at work as I got heavy and lazy, and I hate to be lazy because the time doesn't go when you are not doing anything.

 

I just need to achieve everything I thought of

BTW it is how I looked with weight 115kg    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

weight loss

The Friday , the week before last I had chat with someone on fb , it happened that it was a total hoax - the person didn't exist. No worries though I learned to be careful, but agreed with The Person to take on a diet . And guess what I am doing it , although I still binge and purge. Like today total waste of food and money as everything what went in, come out this same way. Just because I binge I feel this burning feeling in my throat, it's uncomfortable and my stomach hurts, and I feel so full and just yuck. But back to the topic , so I have lost weight, as on Friday the 10th of august I weighed 115kg I dropped down to 110kg. I am amazed and cannot fully believe it. I am more determined now the only issue is that I binge. Tomorrow I will take money for a water to work and that's it, I will try to have a breakfast which will be shredded wheat 200calories and this should keep me going, than water through the day and some energy drinks - 150 Cal, when I finish work I might have a salad which will be 300 calls -because of a mayo and croutons, this salad makes me feel really full. I hope it will work for me .

I am in the place that I am afraid that this can transform to anorexia I don't want to be anorexic, no offence to anyone, I don't want to be  this bony as the girl on the picture.

Although I want to look like this girl, very pretty and thin as I want to be, I just hope I can keep it up . I need a motivated and tips how to cheat my cravings and hunger, I honestly hate to exercise but I have somehow physical work replenishing rollers with drinks. I do housework so I actually burn some calories. I need to lose at least 50kg, that is a long way ahead of me . If anyone wants to contribute to my goal please comment with any possible tips for not eating, not craving and cheating all the hunger feelings as much as possible. I will appreciate all comments and tips on that subject. I have to lose weight and it has to be as quick as possible.

On the other hand this is still ED so nevermind if I suffer of anorexia or bulimia , right? I just want to be slim, it is consuming my mind now.

thoughts

I am tired of life and being the person I am at times like now, I feel very low and fully consumed by the pain which is deep inside me. I want to run to the end of the world and I am unable to as there is no end.My thoughts are my main enemy. I just thought of the moment my mum found her dad dying on the floor in his flat - he had a cancer which took his life. But how awkward it have to be to found someone you love at the end of their life path. It makes me sad. My nana was suffering from dementia so her memory wasnt good at times she was saying that she is a young woman, she didn't know at times that my mother was her daughter - sad as well. My mother is going through simular path of loosing memory, she might have dementia in future, so do I - As woman genes are the one which are more valunrable to get dementia.

But that's the think pain is so overwelming and it feels like there is no stopping there, mind is concentrainting on it so badly, I am unable to think about anythink else. My pain is massive I just cfan think about it and about the sllep, although I am going to work so I can not sllep. Hopefully when I will go out it will help me to take my mind off those thoughts I have.

mmm sad :(  xoxo

CBT- review of presenting difficulties and issues

I received the letter today with the dates available to book my short  introduction to CBT - it is called a workshop. It is designed to help understand CBT and make the best use of sessions- the letter explains.

So she wrote this letter and at first there is in bold "Review of presenting difficulties and risk issues".

I quote :

"You have explained that you have been experiencing anxiety and fear about dealing with everyday issues, especially work-related once, and that you can be extremely self-critical. You reported having frequent nightmares which leave you with strong feelings of sadness and fear. You described frequent mood swings , and said you face difficulty with binge eating and bulimia approximately once a week. This difficulty started when you were 13 years of age. 

You explained that you experience frequent thoughts of suicide , although you would not act on those because of your family. At times you can slap yourself in the face , and you have recently started to cut superficially on your legs, as a way to distract yourself from painful feelings.

You explained that you were disappointed that it takes so long for you to have some psychological help. You explained that when you were 20 years of age you were hospitalised in a unit for 2 weeks, and were told you are borderline, but not offered psychological support."

So to make this clear I don't think she really was listening to me, first of all. I will start from the end of the letter which starts "you explained...".

 So yes I said I was disappointed as I was waiting 16 weeks for "that theraphy"?!

This assessment is done by G was exactly this same as the one over the phone over 16 weeks ago, and in the letters they wrote that I will actually have 1-2-1 CBT and that they had put me on the waiting list and the longest I would wait is 16 weeks! Lie ! 

I waited and what? Did I start the therapy? - No. I am still on the waiting list ! That makes me fuming inside, makes me angry and makes me feel like, yea no one cares!

The part with the hospital is alright and that psychiatrist said to me that I am borderline. But I didn't want their help as they put me on very strong medication and I wasn't able to think nor do anything. I was constantly sleeping and I felt completely numb. That's why I decided to leave the hospital, so I had an appointment with my psychiatrist after the discharge but I wasn't bothered to come to that meeting . So someone actually wanted to support me, but I felt if I don't take a good care of myself, no one would be able to help me.

The middle part "you explained.....Thoughts of suicide" the first part is ok , as yes I think of suicide but I don't want to leave my son alone I want to see him grow and starting his own life. About the slapping in the face, I hit myself not slap, I at times use other stuff to hit myself in the head. Cut superficially - Hmmm? Yes they aren't very deep cuts and usually they are superficial.  Yes I cut because the feelings of anxiety and sadness, cause the pain insight me, it is not a painful feeling it is an actual pain insight my chest.

"You explained ....Anxiety" yes this part have the most info , anxiety and fear yes, but not work related issues. I said to her I changed the job and I love it. It is just me now, I feel sad and anxious without any particular reason. I have this sadness feeling which doesn't cause the pain where sometimes even when I am happy I will feel overwhelming pain inside and I cannot rid of it, and I am unable to explain that at all. I said about the nightmares I have which doesn't leave me with sadness and fear, but make my morning mood affected. What I meant was I can wake up sad and after a moment something will trigger me and I will be happy, or annoyed or angry, or whatever.  Mood swings, oh yes a lot of mood swings, binge eating and bulimia approx once a week - hmm lets say 2-3 times a week average, as I don't binge sometimes for weeks and I don't purge for weeks . But then I have days like yesterday I binged and purged 4 times, her listening skills are a bit affected. Binging about 13 years of age , yes approx.

So I don't feel great about it , the letter doesn't state all the facts, as I said before I don't like G. She reminds me of my ex manager who I hate so much that I cannot even describe it.

Where she included a part about trust and my feelings - like ppl are against me , where she put that I feel frightened that I don't trust anyone. That I feel like I am fooled a lot of times , where is the part about the anger and rage, when I explained her my biggest fear is that I will really hurt my husband or my child. None of those, but hell yea we will try CBT I just hope I will get it in time.

XOXO

JUST MY THOUGHTS...

Just fucking annoyed, bloddy hell I am exhausted :(

survivour

I feel empowered as not many of us is able to work, I am the lucky one, I have to work . For me the job is like a medication takes my mind out of things. That's why I am still here, I am surviving and I am capable of doing things for myself. I work to kill the time as sometimes I feel like time is my enemy, If I have to much time I will plan the murder, I will harm myself, I will abuse myself, I will get angry and be tired of life. So working is keeping me sane and I manage to work well under pressure. 

I am pretty hyper at work just because I love to do so many things at this same time , I am unable to be bored, if I am, I am tired, I feel like there is no point of me being at work. Then I will feel sick and I want to go home, that is basically how I am. 

I meant to be strong and I am trying to be, but life is cruel and is hurting me , I try to defend as much as I can, how long yet I will manage to be strong?

Feeling tired and anxious and sad somehow I feel like there is no energy in me anymore. The weird thing is when I am going to work I get the energy supply , and I really work hard. 

I was somehow able to delete myself from my followers , yey me ! I am proud of myself.

everything crap

how I did managed to add my blog as the follower to my blog I have no idea, but as well I don't know how how to unfollow it, crap, it made me so angry and frustrated. How the hell did I done that?

I'm angry all my muscels are tense, I am doing lunch for me and my LO and his questions are so annoying. I am rude to him - I'm trying my best not to be. I shut my mouth and tell my self to calm down , he is just a 5 year old who want's to talk to someone. As he is at home with me so I am the one to talk to. But it just makes me angry and frustrated, I am trying to think about  the way he feels.I should know better as noone was ever listen to me. I am just being judgmental with him I think.
Yes I am a selfish indyvidual who wants almost everythink to be my way or no way. I know it is hard to be with me when I got angry, when I feel in moment I will blow out. I am unhappy because of the way I am. I don't want to be like that and it is so hard not to be. I screamed a lot before but now I am trying to calm myself down befor raging on others, actually only people closest to me. Why I don't do that at work, why I dont argue much and just step out of the way from people who are kind a argumentative, rarely in those ocassions I will fight back. I do become angry and frustrated and upset because of other peope being rude to me or by they behaviour or comments. I am not sure why is that the way it is. I know for sure if they really make me angry I will think about it forever, and I will feel pain and anxiety inside. I will never trust the person who hurt me , on the other hand I think I am so fullish to believe that people are changing. After some time I will help the abuser, or even have a laugh or do a favour for them. Why?

I was thinking about the test I had with Giovanna, I am not quiet sure why I agrred to that. Why I didn't walk out when I find out that this is another assessment. And then she told me that I will have to wait again!!! For so many weeks I waited so why now she is telling me again that there is such a long waiting list? It is frustrating, I dont know if other people going throug that with this same heart ache. I mean it is sad, pointles, they make you to believe that they want to help you and then what, just abandoned you. Leave you to another doctor, or therapist or clinitian , as other bloggers say they just fire you. This is very bad as I dont want to deal with dozen people. I would love to have one GP and one clinitian, who will help me through the way to recovery, is it to much to ask for?

So I didnt get the job, they called me and told me that it was a very strong interview but they have choosen someone with more experience. The reason why I applied for the job was no need of experience, it is a pity coz acctually they should consider people without experience as first. O never mind , I hate them!

I decidet not to look for a job any longer untill I will come back from my christmass holidays, but honestly I change my mind every 15 minutes. Let see how it goes.

I feel trapped inside my body, I feel like I am not free, I want to do nothing. But I can't I need to clean up as it makes me upset when its messy. I can not walk to work coz I don't want to, or I am sweating to much, or it is raining or for any other reason. I want to be left alone with my thoughts, sadness, tiredness and without anyone pity, as I pity myself enough. I am a strong personality but I have my week ponts at this same time, I hate to cry - I feel that it is a weekness. I am contradicting myself very often which confuses even me.

Giovanna asked me what I would like to achieve, so I told her I don't know. I know myself as I am now, for as long as I remember, this is me, and I am not quiet sure if I want to change. I don't know, then, what I want to achieve with the CBTheraphy. Now I feel like do I really need it ? I coped for the whole of my life, I was strong enough to pull it all together, when I need it . I might be able to do it again as mine main trigger has gone - my previous job. Now I should concentrate on programming myself to have a good thoughts by motivating myself, and believing in it.

 On the other hand I rage now, as I remind myself about a girl who I know who was going to school with me to this same class actually. She is getting married in a few weeks with engilsh man. I am angry because of that, I am angry that she has a £2000 p/w job. It makes me fuming, am I jelaus, I think I am. I hate to admit it though. She is acting like she doesn't know mw that's why she makes me so angry, and the thing that she is marrying a rich english man, grrry . I want to punish her, as I feel so mad at her.

CBT

So I meet Giovanna- that is the right spelling of her name. She was so similar to my ex manager who I hate deeply, somehow even without seeing her I disliked her which was strange for me. The moment I had seen her, she made me realise that these have to be the seventh sense or something as I dislike her just like that. Anyhow I suppose to have CBT right, so what happened yesterday was another test. I mean I didn't have any therapy whatsoever, why I meet with her I find out when I arrived at the Right Steps.

When I came I got a test to do, so I did. Then my appointment was at 9am , she came to me at 9.07am. Where we actually enter the building together. I didn't know how to enter the building and she showed me. When she introduced herself I laughed to myself. She had a very strong handshake, squeezed my hand and I felt like she is over confident. I come into the room she asked me to sit down and explained that she will make a test to find out if I am suitable for CBT?!?! WTF, I spend an hour on the phone with a person who did exactly this same thing! The exact test ! Same questions! What a fucking waste of time and taxpayers money! It made me really frustrated , but more angry I become when she told me at the end that now she will put me on the waiting list for CBT. O I thought, this will be it, but hold on,she have told me that now after two or three weeks someone will book an appointment for me for a........ ONE DAY CBT COURSE!!!!!!! I was angry, I ask her how this could help me , she asked me what help I am looking for. I have no bloody idea, I don't really know what is wrong with me as there is so much going on, it is like a mix of disorders. And she is asking me?????

Then she told me that maybe 6 weeks after the one day course I will be able to attend the CBT therapy. I forgot to mention that she told me that this one day course is for me to have a deeper understanding what this is about. What the CBT is and if I would feel like this is for me or not, and then I can decide if I want to go for it or for something different. Hmm, now when I remind myself about it , I feel calmer. There is a point there. If I really wouldn't want to go for CBT what else could I choose? I feel hopeless and I don't feel like anyone is helping me. My medication is not the best, believe me , it doesn't make me happy whatsoever. It's suppose to make me feel better. I don't feel the difference. I think propranolol is helping, as the panic attacks are under control. Although today I had a bad pain on the left side of my chest. I was wondering if it is my heart which aches, but then I realised that someone said before if it is the heart it will hurt at the back or in the middle of the chest. Well there was something , maybe stress.

Coming back to my meeting with Giovanna, I don't understand actually what had happened. I have a letter saying that I am having one to one CBT therapy, was that it? It was one to one definitely. Sigh , I am tired with all that and I don't feel happy, I feel more frustrated how it is going now. I actually don't believe that I will get the help I need. I need to save money for a psychiatric assessment , to find out what is wrong with me  : S

Let see how it goes and I will update on my one day CBT course which I suppose to have in 2 weeks time, lovely, ha?

inseciure

I'm angry with myself I have no idea why this is happening to me , why I cannot stop thinking how stupid I am. I have enough of my own stupidity, the point here is having a conversation with myself. My thoughts are so annoying at times, that I want them to just shut up. They are like , shut up - no you shut up! Then I laugh to myself as I realise that I want to shut myself up and none of me want to be quiet. It makes me freaking tired. Today at work I had thought about so many things especially about the interviews I had and the reasons why the management didn't choose me for neither of the posts. I think I am just so useless and cannot pull myself together any longer. I want to just stop. Stop my thinking, stop the feeling that I'm somehow nuts. I thought today again that people around me at work just lie to me and they don't like me and that I am just a worthless. That everyone is actually against me and that I hate all of them. I feel like they talk about me behind my back and that they don't wish me well. Management and colleagues want to find out my deepest secrets so they can use it against me , I feel like I don't want to work there anymore. It is bad I feel delusional, like I think I exaggerate but as well I think I am right. What the hell?! 

I am freaking out with all that and I am bloody confused.

The other weird thing is that lately I am loosing my jewellery. I mean one day I woke up with only one earring in my ear, I thought it slide out somehow at night. I looked everywhere around the bed in bed and bedding and couldn't find it. I tried to remind myself if I had taken it out somehow, and I remember that at night my ear felt uncomfortable . But I had no idea that I removed the earing. Why I say that , because two days later I had found the earring in the lounge and it was closed - it was a heart shaped stud. So how the hell I did that I don't have any recollection whatsoever. The other thing was my earring - hoop, I woke up and my ear was painful and swollen , I have taken the earring out because it was hurting me . But why ?It was all healed already. It felt like I was turning it in the earhole, but I actually couldn't do that as earing is to thick to turn it around. Then the nose stud, my nose didn't heal fully yet but for the last month was alright, no swelling and no bleeding. Today I woke up to find my nose hurting on the side with piercing. I looked my my stud was half way out. This stud has a ball at the end and that's why I don't take it out because it hurts. Why it was half way out then?!

It feels weird, and strange, and I feel like I am loosing my mind somehow lately, feeling so suspicious about everything and tired.

I hate to feel that way, I hate to think that way, I hate to be suspicious, and think that people are against me. 

I am tired of all that, and I want to scream and shout because I feel so stressed and angry, frustrated, sad , mad, tired, insecure, lonely, and constantly looking behind my back.