feeling

Take me somewhere new and dark

 Taught me , use me, bit me , hurt me

Cover my eyes and leave me in the cold.

 Tight my body with a rope,

Tie  my hands on the back,

  Don’t let me go!

Cover my mouth, so I cannot beg,

 Leave me in the cold, 

Just comes back to check

 If I am still here.

Take advantage of me,

 Use my body for yourself

Make me please you,

 Use me please.

Hit me so I will obey you

 Be there harsh, 

Don’t  pity me!

 And return my freedom when

I will know how to obey!

 When I won’t cry from the pain!

When I want to live again!

The way I see it

I feel very lonely today , to such an extreme that I again self harmed. I just have another race of thoughts which I really don't pay attention to, I am exhausted and fed up with all that. I feel like I am so pathetic, selfish and unbelievably lazy, I want to find a new job as the old one is just annoying me so much I can not describe that. I just got a transfer to another store closer to home probably I will start to work there in 4 weeks time, but so what it is still this same company so management probably isn't different from the one I know, it is just another location. It makes me angry as I want a change, but do nothing about it. I still have so much pain inside I just sometimes feel like I don't breathe , it's such a strange feeling I cannot describe. My head is hurting from all that, I can't put my thoughts in order, I got very angry so easily, I am tired of that. Harming myself helps for a moment, but then again this same I will have to harm myself constantly on days like this, just to stop the feelings. It's so annoying I just want to scream, but I can't. I'm with my son today so not much I can do, although something is always possible. I don't want to worry anyone, especially my hubby, he is one lazy bastard but he is concerned about me. Maybe it's foolish but I think I see how much he cares about me. The other thing with him is that he is so lazy and unorganised, he will make a mess and it takes him a week to tidy all this up, what the hell? I have to drop off our son to the nursery, then work to go to, come back home and tidy up and cook dinner coz nothing is done as he never have the time. I will probably divorce him one day. It's so hard to even breath, do anything , I would just sleep constantly, but I know I can't coz there is so much to do. Cleaning, washing, cooking, college assessments to write, and lack of concentration and this overwhelming bloody pain inside. It's just so hard to deal with all that.