CONFUSED ME ....( THE POST WHICH i HAVEN'T POSTED)

  I had seen my psychiatrist on friday , she is so scary. I mean I am frightened when talking to her , she realised that and asked me why. So I said because she is psychiatrist and because I have to tell her my secrets and because I don't know her, and I didn't said that, but she is the doctor for the crazy ppl.

  I know she is there to help me, but still this is horrifying for me, as I got to terms when I am scared of myself , coz I know I am "normal" - for other ppl this means crazy. I don't undorstand normal , I would rather say that other ppl are ordinary and I am the one with "extra " at the front of ordinary. Any ways I am scared coz I can not fully control myself, my actions are out of order at times, and I feel so frightened after the suicidal thoughts passed by. I think then what would happened if I will acctually commit suicide , what will happened to my son , he will be without his mum . Then my husband how he will cope with my death. That's bloody scary , but I got to this point after I pull myself away from my sick thoughts. Then I think how sad and pathetic that is , and why do I even consider to overdose , rip my veins out or hung myself.

Then I know that I need more help and that being extraordinary is a har work everyday of every week of every month. They are days like those past two weeks when I feel capable , energised , motivated , steady. But then I know that those dark heavy clouds will gather up one day above me , and then I will be in this sad pathetic state again, which I hate .

Well the psychiatrist thinks that I will be better off with the DBT as my theraphy doesn't help me much. Well that made me feel sad and in some way offended , because I love Amanda . She maybe doesn't help me much to stop, binging and self harming , but I know she is there for me every week. I know I can talk to her about everythink what bothers me , and hurt me and about the feelings which acompany me through the day. I know that I need her.

We started to talk about my mother , and I started to realise that there were so many hidden memories which just started to comming up. It is worrying that I realised that I never been cuddled or hugged, never my mother or father told me they loved me. Like at the moment I feel like I had never been loved. I think having sex with anyone made me feel loved , important, and needed.

THINGS

I haven't been here for a while and a bit has changed. Meaning, I got the HR role in my place of work , which I thought will be an excellent challenge and experience for me. Though how sad and disappointed I am now. The thing with that is that I haven't been trained to do the job , and I am now 6 weeks in the job. My current role is payroll entry and printing holidays for colleagues. I am fed up , feeling more anxious from day to day . I feel like I don't want to go to work , like I want to stay in bed forever. Though when I go out and reach the workplace then I am kind a settled. I hate not to be able to deal with something , and to be honest if I wont be nosy and curious I wouldn't definitely know more than half of the things I know now. Annoying.
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I even thought to go off sick as I just get so frustrated and hurt because of that , I don't know if they are people who understand what I am going through right now. I don't know if it is just me or not. Well I am feeling low lately I think some kind of depressive mood s taking over.

I don't see my therapist for a while now , I miss her a bit as she was the one I could open up to without making myself feel guilty. I had someone to talk to , which now I haven't got anyone.
I still struggle at night with those weird attacks where I can not breath. The doctor  doesn't know what is actually wrong with me, they decided to refer me to the respiratory specialist, but still they are 90% sure that those attacks are not a respiratory problems, but kind a rough panic attacks.

Fed up.

I just feel like nothing is going right , I haven't got money . We are in such debit at the moment that I don't even want to think about it. I am strongly disappointed with my job, I am fatter than I was last time. I am bigger 2 sizes. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My head hurts and I feel so tired , it is all because of the junk food I am fed on. The job which doesn't give me any satisfaction, and struggle with money. Adding to that the fat tum, double chin, bloody night attacks, and the overwhelming sadness. I just want to hide in the small hiding hole, where no one and nothing could find me.

xoxo