So I had received a call today fro the Right Steps. The person
name Jovana called to book an assessment appointment for me next tuesday. I got
the feeling that I don't like her, I don't know why but she was kind a strange
and I disliked her accent. Weird, as I'm not that kind of a person who doesn't
like people before I meet them and before they are able to show me their real
personality. That was strange for me.
On the other hand
I trust my gut feeling and maybe I am right for disliking this woman , I don't
really know if she is a psychologist or just a trained person to help people
deal with their lives. I suppose to have CBT - COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPHY
so I think she might be a psychologist. I am already thinking of asking them to
change her for someone else. I hope I will change my opinion the minute I see
her, and she will be a great therapist and she will be really able to help me.
I am finally happy , and just need the way to be constantly that way.
I rage for no
reason , I snap in the second, I am aggressive towards the ones I love the
most. I hurt people who are closest to me, and I don't do that with other
people with whom I'm not bonded at all or bonded by the job. I am scared that
they won't like me and then I will be alone and I will be not needed and
worthless back again, and I don't want that. I think I am frightened to be a
loner on the other side I don't like when people are coming over without letting
me know in advance. I don't really have a personal social life, I have a few
friends with whom I meet from time to time but not too often. I prefer to spend
my free time doing any other stuff, I would clean , go shopping, take my son to
the playground or anywhere else and do things I can do on my own, or sleep,
read, write, doing all very unsociable things. Why?
How can I be so different?
At work I am everyones
friend, I am patient, reliable, honest, communicative, but at home I am kind a
dissociate. I avoid my few friends I have, at times, I want to call someone but
at the end I don't. I can call my family and I rarely do that. The only person
who I call is my husband, sometimes I will call a friend, but this is like once
a month. I don't enjoy a phone call, and I do not really like to talk to people
over the phone.
At work I am so
organised and at home I can not find a way to organise myself, although I am
trying my best. Sometimes I can pull it all together and organise my day well ,
I do a few things at this same time and that's my problem. I don't find things
difficult I learn quickly and I think I am clever, when people show me how to
do things once I will do it myself easily.
I wonder sometimes
what is wrong with me, if I have any of the mental disabilities or it is just
my imagination. If I'm causing it myself on purpose, that's kind of a thought I
have when I feel down and when I harm myself, when after rage comes the point
of feeling guilty and when I cry for no reason or I am so angry that I hurt the
closest people to me. I blame myself for other peoples' problems, and I won't
ever be good enough, even when I feel happy.
A lot of
unanswered questions in my mind, and I wonder if Jovana will be able to help me
solve it. What will be my experience with CBT and if I can commit to the
therapy.
Let see what time
will bring.
xoxo
