CBT

So I had received a call today fro the Right Steps. The person name Jovana called to book an assessment appointment for me next tuesday. I got the feeling that I don't like her, I don't know why but she was kind a strange and I disliked her accent. Weird, as I'm not that kind of a person who doesn't like people before I meet them and before they are able to show me their real personality. That was strange for me.

On the other hand I trust my gut feeling and maybe I am right for disliking this woman , I don't really know if she is a psychologist or just a trained person to help people deal with their lives. I suppose to have CBT - COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPHY so I think she might be a psychologist. I am already thinking of asking them to change her for someone else. I hope I will change my opinion the minute I see her, and she will be a great therapist and she will be really able to help me. I am finally happy , and just need the way to be constantly that way.

I rage for no reason , I snap in the second, I am aggressive towards the ones I love the most. I hurt people who are closest to me, and I don't do that with other people with whom I'm not bonded at all or bonded by the job. I am scared that they won't like me and then I will be alone and I will be not needed and worthless back again, and I don't want that. I think I am frightened to be a loner on the other side I don't like when people are coming over without letting me know in advance. I don't really have a personal social life, I have a few friends with whom I meet from time to time but not too often. I prefer to spend my free time doing any other stuff, I would clean , go shopping, take my son to the playground or anywhere else and do things I can do on my own, or sleep, read, write, doing all very unsociable things. Why?

How can I be so different?

At work I am everyones friend, I am patient, reliable, honest, communicative, but at home I am kind a dissociate. I avoid my few friends I have, at times, I want to call someone but at the end I don't. I can call my family and I rarely do that. The only person who I call is my husband, sometimes I will call a friend, but this is like once a month. I don't enjoy a phone call, and I do not really like to talk to people over the phone. 

At work I am so organised and at home I can not find a way to organise myself, although I am trying my best. Sometimes I can pull it all together and organise my day well , I do a few things at this same time and that's my problem. I don't find things difficult I learn quickly and I think I am clever, when people show me how to do things once I will do it myself easily. 

I wonder sometimes what is wrong with me, if I have any of the mental disabilities or it is just my imagination. If I'm causing it myself on purpose, that's kind of a thought I have when I feel down and when I harm myself, when after rage comes the point of feeling guilty and when I cry for no reason or I am so angry that I hurt the closest people to me. I blame myself for other peoples' problems, and I won't ever be good enough, even when I feel happy. 

A lot of unanswered questions in my mind, and I wonder if Jovana will be able to help me solve it. What will be my experience with CBT and if I can commit to the therapy.

Let see what time will bring.

xoxo