that's me

    Well, I haven't had a full night sleep for ages, because my panic attacks. Tonight I slept so well I did not woke up with attack , and it feels good , feels so ordinary. I feel at ease although still thinking about binging , I have bad cravings and then I eat massive amout of foods , differend foods , as much as my stomach can fill in with , and then I purge. That is how I feel. Before even I will take the first bite I already know that at the end I will purge it out the drain. Why? I dont know , I can not explain that bizzare behaviour. I gained so much weight and I am so upset about it, but I can't control those binges I just eat everythink I will find and then I have to throw up. I feel bad about it , as I havent got money to spend on the food which go down the drain. Making it easier for me will be a king of anorexic turn, this will definately make my life easier, but I am unable to control myself as the anorexic girs do. I am amused by they power over the food and I would love to be as powerful as they are, but unfortunately I am weak. I can not be in control of my food urges, how bad is that ? I know that what I do is bad for me , but I still do it, I undorstand that this have an effects on my health but I still do it , as well as the money spend on food can be spend on somethink else , but no I spend it on the food , which again I stress - is going down the drain! Stupid !

I feel like I need to control it but I cant , I wish I will be more strict with myself , but I am not. I dont pity myself, even if that sounds like it. I am just angry that I loose control. The control I don't have any way.

On the other hand I dont selfharm by cutting, which means I find other ways of harming , which here includes bingeing and purging. So it is the old story , making myself suffer , for some unknown reason. Sometimes I think of cutting, but currently I just think , I don't act which is good , this feels a bit like in control. Like cheatting myself but still it is a kind of a solution for me, right?

I feel calmer and my mind is more clear than before, although I got dizzy very often, like my world is spinning and the picture is weirdly moving, the kind of a wayve motion. Then stops and goes back to normal. Though I know for a fact that it is strange and not quiet normal , but then I just got off the fluoxetine and they give me olazepine, but due to side effects I had stop taking it. I just take propranolol for my anxiety. I suppose to stop it as well, and stay on olazepine but I just can not bare the side effects. I know I should consult my doctor , but she said that I have to carry on with olazepine because it was prescribed by psychiatrist. Well that means that I discontinue it myself, besides the psych said that if those tablets make me gain weight and if I will feel like it's affecting my mood and if it will bother me too much then to stop taking it. Which I did.

Now I have to work on loosing weight again, I want to sign up for a gym a bit later and I bought a bicycle, so I can ride it to work. O and I take orlistat for a weight loss , as I just get so frustrate of the fact I am so fat.

So main focus now is on loosing weight

xoxo