I had done a research again , as I do from time to time. I consider myself fit and capable person , with moments of brake down without particular reason or by outside triggers, where my therapist say that I have high sensitivity of my senses vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch . She might be right and there might nothing particularly wrong with me mentally , or she might be wrong and there is more to that, She mentioned previously that she think that I am Bipolar, although I have never mentioned to her that I think I am Borderline. Though I mentioned that I am suspecting to have a personality disorder , where she asked me , what I mean - which one. I said that maybe schizoid , because I am perceiving people as they are talking about me behind my back , and that I feel like they want to make a harm to me. She finalize it with one word - delusional, yes I am , what is worse than that is that I love people or I hate them , and this she doesn't know. She might suspect that but she had never mentioned it to me . Well if you read my posts you can see from them how I think and that at times I trust and like someone, and then the paranoia takes the turn and I feel like I hate that person, and then they will do something nice to me and I become to love them again. It is like a confused circle which doesn't end . Example can be my mother, at times I feel like I love her but most times I hate her as she made so much damage to me when I was a child; my senior manager before I transferred to the store I work for now , he was my guru and then he become the worse person the devil himself - in my eyes, I still hate him thou , coz he didn't even tried to repair the damage he cause to me.
I learned today that in fact I have bulimia, well the doctors knew about it but they didn't take any action to help me with that. I had a post that one doc, said that I have bulimia , and I thought how he can diagnose that without an assessment. So I researched and that is how MAYO Clinic describes it:
Diagnostic criteria for bulimia
To be diagnosed with bulimia, you must meet these criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association:
You repeatedly binge, eating an abnormally large amount of food, and feel that you can't control your eating.
You get rid of the extra calories from bingeing by vomiting, excessive exercise, fasting, or misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications.You binge and purge at least twice a week for at least three months.
Your body shape and weight influence your feelings of self-worth too much.
You don't have anorexia, an eating disorder with extremely restrictive eating behaviors.
Even if you don't meet all of these criteria, you could still have an eating disorder. Don't try to diagnose yourself — get professional help if you have any eating disorder symptoms.
So I fit those criteria perfectly. Meaning I have bulimia.
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The self harm it's a big issue for me, I remember that I had abused my body in a sexual way from as long as I can remember. Let say the first memory is when I was about 12 - ish. Then I got naked in winter in the small forest and showed my naked body to my four years younger brother, where he suppose to do this same, but he hasn't. I remember that it was cold, loads of snow and we were going to the church , so it had to be Sunday morning, as service was at 10.30 am. I never talked to him about it and I hope I won't be ever talking to him about it. I had inserted different objects to my vagina, I had slept with most disgusting man you can think of, I had inserted objects in my rectum and masturbate rough to cause pain, to hurt myself. I had tided up my breast that they got purple from lack of blood circulations, my nipples had been damaged many times till the blood come out. I bit myself with a wooden stick, my breast get hit with all sorts of things, they had been squished , pulled, bitten, smacked, hit, you name it they had gone through a lot. Why ? I don't know, I feel the urgency to do it sometimes, and I have this voice in my head which is telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a whore am I and how I deserve the worse treatment ever. That the bitch like me needs to be punished, and not to have any pleasure only pain is allowed, at times I cry from the pain. When I was younger it was common for me in winter to go to the forest take off my all clothes and lay in the snow in the freezing cold weather, at times I run and jumped in the forest, making myself think that I am a secret agent who is on the mission. I wasn't scared I had my dogs with me, so even if someone wanted to stop me I had my guards with me.Then there is hitting with a shoe, stick , hand, fist in the head and the body this usually is because of the pain I feel in my chest and my head, it is overwhelming mental pain with high level of anxiety. This as well add cutting, I cut when I feel rage and when something good happens and I feel like I can not cope with my emotions and the feeling is excessive. I feel hurt and I cut, I feel impatient and nervous I cut, I am sad and worried I cut , I succeed or achieve something I cut, and it really doesn't matter what happened if my emotions change from one extreme to the other then I have to cause myself a pain. They say it is the way of dealing with the feelings.
Panic attacks, they just came from nowhere and they are disturbing and scary at times. I dislike them the most of all physical issues I have with myself, the cutting , biting, purging it's nothing in comparison to those attacks. They make me weak and frightened, I think it is just because I haven't got the ability to control them , where the other things I have a control and I can choose in some way what I want to do. It is bizarre but the most truthful I have ever thought of, meaning, that now I got to the point of realising why some things happens. Well short story I hate those attacks as I feel vulnerable.
Anxiety may be caused by external factors - triggers , or just come up without a reason from no where and this is the very best friend of panic disorder which is said to be called Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is :
( GAD) is characterised by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.
What are the symptoms of GAD?
GAD affects the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, as well. Symptoms of GAD can include:
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
An unrealistic view of problems
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
Irritability
Muscle tension
Headaches
Sweating
Difficulty concentrating
Nausea
The need to go to the toilet frequently
Tiredness
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Trembling
Being easily startled
In addition, people with GAD often have other anxiety disorders (such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias), suffer from depression, and/or abuse drugs or alcohol.
I don't know anymore how to cope with all that , it feels like I carry too much on my shoulders. I need a break at times, I hate the pain inside me and I hate the anxiety which is so overwhelming that I want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and I am unable to and then I binge on food and purge as I ate to much , and I cut and hit because I suffer , but doing that it cause more pain more physical pain and so I suffer again. I wake up in the morning and feel anxious and I suffer. I shout and scream and harm closest people to me, so when I realise that I suffer, I never apologise even though I know I done a wrong thing.
The depression is the thing that meets me here and there every so often, makes me tired and very lazy. Makes me sad without a particular reason and anxiety rich the rooftop. I dislike depression so much just because I am unable to think, concentrate, I feel worthless and unable to do anything. Forget the bath and putting clothes on , I will just exist, which means I am unable to move of the bed and I am even to tired to go to the loo. Well I hate that feeling although I love to be in a manic state.
Mania and hypomania those two states I live on for the last few days. Often now and then I got the period of extra motivation and ambitious plans which are
Symptoms
The following features are associated with mania and also occur in hypomania to a less severe extent:
increased energy and activity
feeling full of ideas with racing thoughts
increased confidence and self-esteem
decreased need for sleep
talkativeness
being easily distracted, and darting from one activity to another
elevated mood, but sometimes increased irritability that can quickly turn to anger
increased sociability and over-familiarity
increased sexual desire and decreased inhibitions
increased involvement in pleasurable activities with little thought for consequences, such as going on a spending spree or making reckless financial decisions
lack of insight, or denial that behaviour has changed
increased awareness of senses such as smell and touch.
These symptoms are things people may experience from time to time, but for most people will not be considered severe enough to receive a diagnosis or require treatment.
Well, life is cruel isn't it? I love the ability to cook and bake stuff. Have a mind fulfilled with new ideas and be curious and vigilant to my surroundings, from different perspective view the world. Honestly I know that a few days ago I could sleep day and night, I was fed up and so bored, and now for two or three days I am energetic and active, with ability to lay in bed all day and not falling asleep, to stay awake till late and then sleep 4 - 5 hours at night. If feels good and it is fulfilling.Though there is a bad bit, very bad bit - rage.
Rage is the best friend and the worse enemy. I just feel like I am tied up by my anger. That anger is MY dark side which wants to get out of me, but is unable to because I still got some power over it at least at times. I am still strong enough to fight it, and somehow control it a little bit sometimes. But most of the times it is bad, so bad that I even feel bad when I realise what had happened.
So what is wrong with me then? Or maybe everything is about right. Well I shall find out.
xoxo
