what's wrong with me

    So today was a kind a nice day, I visited a few blogs and chose to follow some of them. I had taken a long bubble bath just to relax myself a little, my LO went to bed pretty quickly today and hubby decided to connect his xbox to our tv in the front room , so I thought let it be. I had enjoyed my bath , straighten my hair and put a face mask on. Get my laptop and off to bed.

And I started to wonder how bad or good I am.

 Hmm, taking into consideration my outbursts of uncontrolable rage, following by violence towards closest people to me, I am kind and funny person, who most people like (I think). I'm easy to know, as I'm honest, reliable, approachable, crazy- the good way, helpful and very considerate. I'm an altruist at most times, but I can be very aggressive, stubborn, intimidating, rude, impatient, miserable, moaning, hurtful, annoying, and destructive in my actions towards people. If I trust you, make sure you won't disappoint me, follow the regular rule of honesty and it will be fine, I don't mind a constructive feedback, which some people find harsh. But if at any point I will stop talking to you, you make me cry or I will harm myself because I feel so belittled by you - run. Even after some time I will remember and when people are less expecting, then I act, I will try to destroy them or something what is important to them. I don't want to frighten anyone it is just the way I am.

I like to fight, to have a challenge it keeps me going.. I love to learn, that's why I'm 31and in college. I have bad memory I just don't remember things, but on the other hand someone told me that I should work for MI5, as I will make a good spy because of the things I can remember. That's kind a particular isn't it? I'm such a contradiction of things and behaviors, which I try to learn and find a way to deal with. But it is hard, it is worse than before, it's so painful. I had never cut myself the way I'm doing it now, I always fought the opposition. And Anxiety is unbearable at times , making me feel hopeless.

Now I binge eat, purge, self harm, avoid contact with people more than before, I lie again- but I have the best interest of those who I lie to at heart. I feel empty and lonely, I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream and I'm afraid to. I can't speak about it, as I don't trust people enough- I started to talk about it to a couple of people I know and liked, but they had disappointed me badly, so there is no one there. The other thing is that I know people these days have their own problems and I don't want to trouble them with my issues, besides they think I'm very strong personality, and a lot of times they come to me for help. So knowing their problems I'm just unable to share mine.

I'm sad most of the time but the amazing thing is when I go to work I'm completely different, I will hurt inside but I will still smile in most cased. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine, but I scream inside. Customers are treated differently as well, I most of the time treat them the same way I want to be treated. I would sometimes escape, at work, just walk around the store avoiding work and people. I hate super confident colleagues and managers, I think arrogance doesn't suit people. But on the other hand I would love someone to teach me how to be  an arrogant, life looks easier that way.


You see,  in my behavior there are a lot signs of Borderline Personality, I like to call this Emotionally Unstable Personality.
My moods may be triggered by ordinary things like scent , pictures or a dream.
I'm strong on the other hand as I had survived so much.


So it looks like there is BPD (borderline personality disorder), Depression, Anxiety, 
ED (eating disorder).


Now I need to find more strength to fight that, and to be honest I feel exhausted.