My panic attacks get worse recently and I am in that position when I am fed up with everything around. I just want to sleep. I found myself in the mood where I think of cutting my veins out just for the sake of being relieved. I feel like I choke with the air I breath I am unable to control my panic and this makes me feel worse every time I have the attack .
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Currently I am so fed up that I don't want to bother with anything. I struggle to keep up with my daily routine and additionally I realised that my husband isn't sleeping well due to my attacks, he is awake every time I am having one. And is still awake when I finally go to bed , which sometimes is an hour or two from the time I woken up. He doesn't want to worry me I think that's why he stays in bed and I think he still thinks that I don't know that he is awake. But when I do go to bed he asks me if my attack had passed , so obviously he is not asleep. Then when I ask him why he is awake, he wont reply to me , sometimes. Well now it doesn't affect only me but people closest to me , like my husband . I hate that feeling. I feel again like it might be better without me , so no one will worry. I will be in peace and their life's could be better. I worry what will happened if my son face the situation , when I will have the attack and then if I will loose consciousness , what he will do , how it will affect him, how this situation will affect me ? So many unanswered questions in my head.
This is so difficult and sad, as how my 6 yer old can cope with the picture of his mum loosing control, collapsing and not responding ? What affect it will have on his future, will he be afraid all the time, will he cope with this better than I think? I am so scared, like I had never been before. Maybe I should ask my husband to live his job and then he can be with me all the time and then I might feel less anxious , but on the other hand we need the money he is earning to survive. So many questions, like I physically have difficulty to deal with it and think about it puts e in so much emotional pain. I feel again my heart pounding, and I feel like again I am detached from reality around me . I didn't know that detachment is part of anxiety and it is actually a panic attack. I find it out recently as last week my therapist told me that I had panic attacks before I started the therapy. I wasn't sure what she meant so I have done my research and find out that feeling detached , week , weird in sense of being are all panic attacks. So yes I did have them before I started the therapy.
I need a BRAKE , I feel so tired, I feel emotionally exhausted and physically weak.
xoxo
