I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I
suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I
wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in
million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head
, I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so
overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other
me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just
too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent
, makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As
I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as
she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am
frightened. She makes it happen.
If you only knew
how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I
would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the
moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was
more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I
think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm
she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.
I want to cry and
I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying
or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I
am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't
let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself.
And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction
and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she
can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know
if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear. Is she then
frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude,
sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.
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She was in charge for
so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion
and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him
is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is
most delusional, and he is rude.
He - is only when
I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how
pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer.
He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for
most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't
vicious though like the inner me is.
She - Is raging me
, angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense,
she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter.
She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though
she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of
time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now.
When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is
there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think
most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it
feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do
not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me
purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets,
calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self
Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people
Me - I am soft, considerate,
loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious,
depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep,
hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come
over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat,
I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which
makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't
have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel
like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired.
So , You know I am
broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more,
but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they
are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP,
and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me
when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before
putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked
for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it.
That is why I am
who I am, and as I am .
XOXO
