so you know I am broken

I am broken as you are aware, I am mad in my head and soul. I suffer and cause pain to myself and others, I'm not well under the stress. I wish I could be better, but everything is just not right. I am broken inside in million small pieces which is so hard to put together now. I am mad in my head , I have thoughts fights with myself. I am in a lot of pain , the pain is so overwhelming that the other me takes control over too fast. I fight the other me and I try to be reasonable and happy and reliable. But this bitch is just too strong at times, maybe not even strong but she want's her way, is persistent , makes me feel under pressure and then in a snap of fingers I am giving up. As I am writing it she is shouting , although I try not to pay attention to her as she had hurt me already today, now she is laughing. How strange I feel I am frightened. She makes it happen. 

 

If you only knew how sad, tired, wrecked emotionally I am now you wouldn't want to be me. And I would happily swap with someone to have a bit of sunshine in my head, as at the moment there is a tornado and dark heavy clouds. I am tired and angry, I was more angry before I was actually raging , this was directed towards myself. I think then the other me was more out than in . But as she has done so much harm she is somehow satisfied so she is a bit hidden now.

I want to cry and I am unable to, although if I am with people and I feel sad I will start crying or at least have watery eyes. My whole body aches, I move very slowly because I am exhausted, I want to fall asleep as I feel so tired but I can't as she doesn't let me sleep, she has so many ideas , or she just insists on harming myself. And I lay in bed and not moving , as I don't want to give her any satisfaction and then in a matter of seconds she is out and she is acting, doing what she can the best - RAGING. She is at times like this vicious dog which doesn't know if there is a danger , dog will attack just because of fear.  Is she then frightened, is that the reason the inner me is raging, fighting, is rude, sometimes even she is a he, god my head is messed up.

 

She was in charge for so long that I barely know me, I have different masks for different ocassion and honestly I don't even know if it's her or me. But hold on, me and her/him is still this same person. The difference between us is that I'm naive, she is most delusional, and he is rude.

He - is only when I sexually abuse myself , he - is the voice in my head who tell me how pathetic, fat and worthless whore I am , he tells me that I am made to suffer. He often is in my head when I have sex with another man , and he was there for most of my life, hidden in my head and coming out when there was a need. He wasn't vicious though like the inner me is.

She - Is raging me , angry , sad, vicious, hyper, quick thinker, acting fast, using common sense, she - is strong and confident as well as delusional , dark, broken, a fighter. She is with me constantly she takes over at times when I cannot cope, though she isn't there as much now when I need her. She is over for some periods of time in my life but then she hides and comes out from time to time , like now. When I reach the culmination point, and I cannot handle it as it is - she is there, she supports me and she is liked by others. She is cheerful , so I think most times she comes out when I am at work , but then I am there as well , it feels like we swap from time to time while at work. She is the one who say do not eat, who saying that I am a fat, disgusting human being, she makes me purge, she tries to control me. She is the one who thinks about diets, calories, self harm , she was the one to develop my cutting. But with the Self Harm we all 3 are in charge of it. She is stubborn and fair to people

Me - I am soft, considerate, loving, sad, scared, reliable, worried, blank, plain, tired, hurt, anxious, depressed. I am me now, and I feel sad and extremely tired, I want to sleep, hide in the mouse hole and sleep it through till the better days will come over. I am peaceful, and happy, I love animals, I pity myself . I would binge eat, I would self harm, I would cry, and I will feel this lump in my chest which makes me anxious. I am the reason of having those panicky things, as I don't have confirmation that those are panic attacks, so I call them things. I feel like my head is massive right now, and as usual I feel sad and tired. 

So , You know I am broken, and this is the inside story of me. Is this all , no, there is more, but that will come out within the time . Those 3 me, are the strongest and they are often here. I am at the stage when I hate the way I am treated by my GP, and honestly NHS don't really care. If they would, my GP wouldn't question me when I had asked for psychiatric assessment, she should do it anyway, before putting me on any medication. This makes me so angry , just because I finally asked for help, but it seems like I would be better off without it. 

That is why I am who I am, and as I am .

XOXO