I had my second interview , and I think it went well but not as
good as the one yesterday. I just hope I would get one of those jobs finger
crossed .
I feel like so
much depend on me , I am afraid that if I will change my job I won't be able
take time off in sept as my LO is going to school, and I want one of those jobs
so badly. The other thing is CBT and voluntary work, and to look after LO when
I am back from work. Basically a lot is going on now, and I just pray I could
manage everything without any huge sacrifices. I mean, I want to do all that
but priority is my child and work and then is therapy and voluntary work. I
want to be very organised, so I will manage all that with ease. Am I able to do
that ? Then in September I am starting school as well, so this is addition to
all that and again question if I will cope? Maybe it is too much to take at
once , but what I could sacrifice? It is better to have the therapy than does
voluntary work, and school is more important as well. But then before CBT is my
family and job . And then again if I sacrifice CBT I won't be able to sort out
my life and this means that I will struggle at times again.
As other bloggers
are saying that the therapy help them to learn how to cope with the day to day
life. That it makes them better with rage, anger, and self harm where some
include eating disorders as well. I want to be better I want to learn how to
cope, I need to learn to control my mind and for my mind not to control me. I
am getting better some how as I try to control myself, I try to persuade myself
that it's not so bad and there is no point to be violent . But recently when my
son made me upset I just grabbed him by his top pull closer and said to him to
stop being annoying. Which isn't a right behaviour for a mother. Is it? I
pushed my husband recently to the wall with a neck lock and just wanted to hit
him, and I have seen his scared eyes. It was some stupid small thing which I have
forgotten already, and this happened like two days ago. So I need the therapy,
sigh.
Where my job is
needed to support us, as my hubby new part time job is starting at the end of
August. So when I will work full time I will earn for the nursery fees and the
rent for a flat. Where his money will go towards expenses, bills, debits and
credit card payments. Uh, this makes me more anxious than I expected. Money is
my constant worry, that's why I really need one of those jobs as they pay way
more than I am earning now. I not only want it I need it.
I need one of
those jobs to gain an experience, to earn more money, to continue my study. I
might be able to take the loan for my next year of study. I thought of buying a
bike as well so there won't be a need to top up my oyster card, as I won't have
to use a bus to work. But this is expencive too. Oh well that's life.
So I am trying
hard and I am comfortable with that at the moment, but if ...... In a month or
so, something will change, if I won't be able to cope with all that pressure,
what if I will become more angry and my panic attacks start again. What if I
will have more of those, like in a dream, moments, when my world will spin around
: what if I will become more depressed and tired of whatever I will be doing?
What if the voice in my head will visit more often and make me hurt myself
more. There is a lot of , what if... Questions in my head, and this makes me
unsettled and anxious and worried.
If I could only
have answers to that, but I don't, and that's annoying. I want to be a calm and
patient person who can solve problems without becoming angry and frustrated. I
want to set a good example to my LO who is just stepping slowly in this strange
big world, I want to guide him and show him the best of people. But I am not as
I want to be, which makes me upset AGAIN!
I want my boy to
be a smart and reliable person , who would have a lot of to offer, who would
want to discover the mysteries of the world who will have a passion for life
and be happy as happy as human can be. I want him to become a smart,
communicative, emotionally stable adult. I don't want him to be like me, I
don't want him to suffer like me , I want him to feel loved and cared for, I
want him to experience the feelings and be able to deal with them easily.
I want so much for
him, and I love him soooooo muuuuch !
xoxo
