As I have no idea what is really wrong with me I thought I will give you a detailed example for BPD and next time Bipolar disorder . There will be some quotes from this website: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/understading-bpd/a-bpd-brief/ ,
as well as my own experience examples and real events which can be perceived as BPD.
“For a patient to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, he or she must experience 5 out of the 9 criteria as set forth in the DSM-IV TR.
Establishing the diagnosis is complicated by the fact that the presence of many of these criteria fluctuates. Here is a more detailed explanation of these symptoms:
Abandonment Fears. These fears should be distinguished from the more common and less severe phenomena of separation anxiety. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in the BPD patient’s self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. Individuals with BPD are interpersonally hypersensitive and may experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with criticisms or time-limited separations. These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-injurious or suicidal behaviours. It was originally postulated that fear of abandonment developed as a result of failures in a child’s development during the rapprochement phase (from age one-and-a-half to two-and-a-half). However, empirical evidence has not borne this out.”
My experience of fearing abandonment are very common to people who are close to me , people I trust or just think I trust, people who are not exactly my loved once but the people I am surrounded with.
1. The store manager- The man I have a great faith in as well as trust , I believe he is a man of a word and that he genuinely care, in some way I can say I love him. Then there is this intense jealousy , which takes my mind and soul, I feel cheated and let down , and it is just because he is laughing with another member of staff. Then I want him to be acting this way with me. I feel angry and in so much pain , my chest is heavy and I can’t stop thinking about it, even after he will come over to say something or approach me for any reason I will act like I don’t care, but I really do. I suffer as he then acts very distant with me , and I want him to behave silly with me as well, so jealous.
2. Co worker , name her J – when she talks to me and I see that she engages with me on different levels I love it , I dearly love her smile and the way she talks, but I hate that she talks to other people. The hurtful thing is when she talks to A, he is handsome and loves to talk with her. I know she even considered to have sex with him . I am very jealous when I see them two talking to each other.
3. My therapist , when she says to me “ I am afraid that we have to finish now “ on our sessions. I get frustrated and down when we have to finish , I hate that I hate when we finish , and I am so unhappy about it. I am sure that most people are, just because you are unable to finish your thoughts, then again on the next visit you are unable to continue with the subject from the last session. It irritates me so much and make me very upset, but I am not showing that to her as I don’t want to be judged. Though one day when I was leaving the other person was coming over , I have met him at the door and felt so awkward.
4. When I was in the relationship with my then boyfriend ( now my husband ), I hated when his friends were constantly around. I hated them , why they are coming over like always, every day , that was so unfair, I wanted to have him all to myself, just him and me. Still now when we are going home and when he meets with his friends I get angry , but I am not saying anything, I tell him that I don’t mind him seeing his friends as this is only like a few times a year. But it hurts me a lot , and I feel jealous.
“Unstable, Intense Relationships. Individuals with BPD are frequently unable to see significant others (i.e., potential sources of care or protection) as other than idealized (if gratifying), or devalued (if not gratifying). This is often referred to as “black and white thinking,” and in psychological terms, reflects the construct of “splitting.” When anger initially intended toward a loved one is experienced as dangerous, it gets “split” off to preserve the loved one’s goodness. Relationship instability is thought to be a symptom of early insecure attachment characterized by both fearful distrust and needy dependency.”
1. As before see the note about the store manager, I hate him dearly when he is not behaving as I expect him, and then I love him when he pays attention to me.
2. I love my husband very much, but when he doesn’t do what I asked him to or hesitate with whatever I expect him to do, I immediately get very angry and I can shout out loud how much I hate him.
3. At work I have K., another team leader, when she is nice to me I feel like I like her so much, but when she is nasty to me I sincerely hate her .
“Identity Disturbance. The disorder of self which is specific to borderline patients is characterized by a distorted, unstable or weak self-image. Borderline patients often have values, habits, and attitudes which are dominated by whomever they are with. The interpersonal context in which these identity problems get magnified is thought to begin with not learning to identify one’s feeling states and the motives behind one’s behaviour.”
I don’t think I have any of that , but I might be mistaken. Well I still have the time to find it out.
“Impulsivity. The impulsivity of the borderline individual has been frequently self-damaging, in its effects if not in its intentions. This differs from impulsivity found in other disorders such as manic/hypomanic or antisocial disorders. Common forms of impulsive behaviour for borderline patients are substance or alcohol abuse, bulimia, unprotected sex, promiscuity, and reckless driving.”
1. Binge eating
2. Bulimia
3. Spending sprees
“Suicide or Self-injurious behaviours. Recurrent suicidal attempts, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behaviours are the hallmark of the borderline patient. The criterion is so prototypical of persons with BPD that the diagnosis rightly comes to mind whenever recurrent self-destructive behaviours are encountered. Self-destructive acts often start in early adolescence and are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that the BPD patient assume unwanted responsibilities. The presence of this pattern assists the diagnosis of concurrent BPD in patients whose presenting symptoms are depression or anxiety.”
1. Cutting
2. Scratching
3. Pinching
4. Hitting
5. Smacking
6. Gnashing of teeth
“Affective (Emotional) Instability. Early clinical observers noted the intensity, volatility and range of the borderline patient’s emotions. It was originally proposed that borderline emotional instability involved the same problems of affective irregularity found in persons with mood disorders, particularly depression and bipolar disorder. It is now known that although individuals with BPD display marked affective instability (i.e., intense episodic depression, unrest, anger, panic, or despair), these mood changes usually last only a few hours, and that the underlying dysphoric mood is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to stress, particularly interpersonal ones and a neurobiologically-based inability to regulate emotions.”
1. I get upset very easily, if someone will ignore me or if I will have a bad dream this will affect me. When I get to work my mood changes directly, it depends with who I am so I will be in a good or bad mood, I will feel settled or anxious, I will be sad or happy. My emotions are changing with or without a trigger as I watch TV , hear the music it brings all the different feelings.
“Emptiness. Chronic emptiness, described as a visceral feeling, usually felt in the abdomen or chest, plagues the borderline patient. It is not boredom, nor is it a feeling of existential anguish. This feeling state is associated with loneliness and neediness. Sometimes their experience is considered an emotional state and sometimes it is considered a state of deprivation”
I am uncertain if I feel this kind of emptiness , although there are times I feel the emptiness.
Anger. The anger of the borderline patient may be due to temperamental excess (a genetic vulnerability) or a longstanding response to excessive frustration (an environmental cause). Whether the cause is genetic or environmental, many individuals with BPD report feeling angry much of the time, even when the anger is not expressed overtly. Anger is often elicited when an intimate or caregiver is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Expressions of anger are often followed by shame and contribute to a sense of being evil.
I feel angry very often and sometimes the smallest thing can make me furious. The last big angry outburst was when K., at work, lied about me , she called a deputy while I was on my way to the department as she tannoy me , and I overheard her saying that : Fay left the department and went to the warehouse , who knows for how long. The truth was that I left another colleague to take care of the customer service desk and checkouts. Well I angrily confronted her and told her not to lie because I have left a person in charge when I went away.
“Psychotic-like Perpetual Distortions (Lapses in Reality Testing). Borderline patients can experience dissociation symptoms: feeling unreal or that the world is unreal. These symptoms are associated with other disorders, such as schizophrenia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but in those with BPD the symptoms generally are of short duration, at most, a few days, and often occur during situations of extreme stress. Borderline patients also can be unrealistically self-conscious, believing that others are critically looking at or talking about them. These lapses of reality in the BPD patient may also be distinguished from other pathologies in that generally the ability to correct their distortions of reality with feedback remains intact.”
1. I have feelings of detachment from reality , I feel like I am but I am not, at this same time.
2. I have panic attacks which come from nowhere and last different durations , but no longer than an hour
3. I feel like people are gossiping about me , not good things, and like they just are being cruel that way.
xoxo
