19/07

Feeling angry and frustrated , the job is fine, but personal life is getting worse just because my mother in law. She got into a huge debit, her whole life she couldn't manage the money , she constantly needed support of others. When my husband, then boyfriend got some job and earned some money she always had the most of it. He had 2 younger brothers , it is like 15 years difference between them, and she always had a way of taking those money of him. They needed for heating, or gas, or electricity or food, so basically I had never really been on a date with him . Because he never had the money as everything almost was going towards the expenses for a house and living and she never worked. It is upsetting me because she is in such a trouble that they wanted to auction their house. How possibly she could allow for this to happen?! I had given her the amount she needs to pay back, I give her a conditions as well , I want her to sell the house, because she cannot afford it and buy something smaller and within her budget. The other thing is she has to tell everything to her boyfriend, who lives with her for last 13 years, how it is possible not to communicate?! The third condition is when she will sell the house and buy a new one, she has to open an account for our son and put some money there for his future. She promised to do that, and I now will have to postpone my study as I can not afford them now, how bad, never mind. I need to change the job to get paid more than now so I could afford the school and expenses. It makes me so angry.




I am taking a lot of overtime to earn more money as we ourself are in debits and need to go to straight as soon as possible. My husband is taking a part time job and I hope it will work out for us somehow. It's good that I can work now more hours and that I actually enjoy my job, so any available hours are alright for me.

I feel very tired recently, and I would sleep constantly if I could, I feel exhausted like there is not much energy left in me. I think about sleep and how I would love to cuddle my pillow and snuggle up under the duvet. I haven't taken propranolol today , just because yesterday I felt like fainting. It made me feel very fragile and I didn't understand why I felt so week, it is like a kind of panic attack but without shaky hands and pounding heart. My world decided to spin around for few hours, and I felt very unsteady on my feet.

But I am planning to take my tablets tomorrow as I should, I am giving myself a break today but let see tomorrow how it goes.

I still have a nightmare, dreams which make me frightened and suspicious, where I can remember that it was a dream but inside me I am so unsettled. I don't know how to stop it, and back again have a nice dreams.

It is 21.30 and I am physically exhausted so I am off to bed to cuddle my pillow xoxo