I am.
Am I?
Tired and sad,
with a head full of mess , I am worried sick, what I worry about? Everything
i.e
my hospitalised
mother , who might die any time , as she is loosing ability to get the oxygen into
her system
my work, delusions
which persist highly in relation to coworkers
my GP, as this
little shit woman doesn't do a thing for me and treats me as her guinea
pig - as she wants to try medications on me and see if they will work , but
refuses to send me off for psychiatric assessment as she claims it is a waste
of time ( her almost exact words were, instead of doing those long tests we will try medication upgrading the fluoxetine dosage and give additionally ...)?!? WTF!
I worry constantly
and this prevents me from ability to function as normal. I feel like I am so
slow as never before. I take so much time to do things and I hate it. I move
slowly, I don't talk as usual, I hate when people talk I am just unable to even
listen. I feel so tired and kind a detached. WTF is going on now?
Is it another
depressive, low mood, resigning moment of my pathetic life? Am I so tired of
this shit that I am even unable to talk and listen, I think a lot though, I
think about everything especially my mother.
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I know right , she
hurt me a lot, and I hate her for that but at the end of the days she is my
mother, right. I don't forgive her for hurting me before, but hell if she die,
I will drop even lower, I don't think I will be able to function at all then.
Fuck sake, I am so
pathetic, fat and useless piece of shit , who doesn't deserve to be in this
world. Even fucking GP doesn't think like there is a serious problem with me,
WTF she wants? Dos she wants me to slash my wrists and bleed out and then she
might think , actually she really needed help. How long can I stand this? How
long I will be able to keep going, how strong I am yet? Why my screaming isn’t
heard, maybe it’s not loud enough.
I am afraid on the
other side, afraid that I will lose it , I had thought of harming myself for
the last couple of weeks, and I managed not to cut every day. Which is an
achievement.
I am confused,
paranoid and so anxious that it makes me sick.
xoxo
