Monday 23 July 2012

another dream

How to explain that?I just dreamed today about a man and a woman who actually were running a sex business, I was working for them. I had met man for sex and they paid for it. When I woke up I felt this urgency to cut and abuse myself again. I just couldn't take these thoughts out of my mind, I had to punish myself . I did cut and hurt myself today as I needed to release this strange need of doing it. I don't remember the exact situation in this dream but I know I was one of many other woman there and I wasn't even physically satisfied I was doing it for man satisfaction for them to be fulfilled. There is something there I think , my dreams have a huge impact on my day to day life. I could wake up really tired and bored or very hyper and unable to do one thing at a time. Actually I never do one thing at a time I start many things at this same time and then set myself to finish all of them. It is like setting myself a target. This Sunday I woke up and started to tidy up a bit , when my hubby woke up an idea popped in my mind to do a bit of refurbishment. So I moved all furnitures in our bedroom by myself as I don't like others to interfere with the things I am doing. But all the time my dreams take over of my behavior through the day. I feel generally happy, If I can call that happiness. I am bored doing all that regular stuff and need challenges to keep me going, so I find myself a new task to fulfill and then after achieving it I feel somehow proud of myself but then another target needs to be set for me to work on as if I do this same thing every day it just slowly killing me. I loose interest in doing things that is why I haven't got a hobby probably, I change my job, I don't cook and meet with people often. I even sometimes think if I love my husband, as we don't talk much and I don't tell him about my worries and thoughts. That's strange but on the other hand there is no challenge here, he is my husband so we are bonded and even sometimes I think if he will cheat on me what will I do? Will I be hurt and upset or if it will change our relationship a bit and I will be more passionate and try to win him every time. It didn't happen yet so it is difficult to think about. Or maybe it happened and I am not aware of that , either way I don't know.

So because of that dream I feel like I want to go and cheat on him, just to fulfill everything what is in my mind. I know it is not good to feel that way but honestly I feel like this is what I need and want now.