everything crap

how I did managed to add my blog as the follower to my blog I have no idea, but as well I don't know how how to unfollow it, crap, it made me so angry and frustrated. How the hell did I done that?

I'm angry all my muscels are tense, I am doing lunch for me and my LO and his questions are so annoying. I am rude to him - I'm trying my best not to be. I shut my mouth and tell my self to calm down , he is just a 5 year old who want's to talk to someone. As he is at home with me so I am the one to talk to. But it just makes me angry and frustrated, I am trying to think about  the way he feels.I should know better as noone was ever listen to me. I am just being judgmental with him I think.
Yes I am a selfish indyvidual who wants almost everythink to be my way or no way. I know it is hard to be with me when I got angry, when I feel in moment I will blow out. I am unhappy because of the way I am. I don't want to be like that and it is so hard not to be. I screamed a lot before but now I am trying to calm myself down befor raging on others, actually only people closest to me. Why I don't do that at work, why I dont argue much and just step out of the way from people who are kind a argumentative, rarely in those ocassions I will fight back. I do become angry and frustrated and upset because of other peope being rude to me or by they behaviour or comments. I am not sure why is that the way it is. I know for sure if they really make me angry I will think about it forever, and I will feel pain and anxiety inside. I will never trust the person who hurt me , on the other hand I think I am so fullish to believe that people are changing. After some time I will help the abuser, or even have a laugh or do a favour for them. Why?

I was thinking about the test I had with Giovanna, I am not quiet sure why I agrred to that. Why I didn't walk out when I find out that this is another assessment. And then she told me that I will have to wait again!!! For so many weeks I waited so why now she is telling me again that there is such a long waiting list? It is frustrating, I dont know if other people going throug that with this same heart ache. I mean it is sad, pointles, they make you to believe that they want to help you and then what, just abandoned you. Leave you to another doctor, or therapist or clinitian , as other bloggers say they just fire you. This is very bad as I dont want to deal with dozen people. I would love to have one GP and one clinitian, who will help me through the way to recovery, is it to much to ask for?

So I didnt get the job, they called me and told me that it was a very strong interview but they have choosen someone with more experience. The reason why I applied for the job was no need of experience, it is a pity coz acctually they should consider people without experience as first. O never mind , I hate them!

I decidet not to look for a job any longer untill I will come back from my christmass holidays, but honestly I change my mind every 15 minutes. Let see how it goes.

I feel trapped inside my body, I feel like I am not free, I want to do nothing. But I can't I need to clean up as it makes me upset when its messy. I can not walk to work coz I don't want to, or I am sweating to much, or it is raining or for any other reason. I want to be left alone with my thoughts, sadness, tiredness and without anyone pity, as I pity myself enough. I am a strong personality but I have my week ponts at this same time, I hate to cry - I feel that it is a weekness. I am contradicting myself very often which confuses even me.

Giovanna asked me what I would like to achieve, so I told her I don't know. I know myself as I am now, for as long as I remember, this is me, and I am not quiet sure if I want to change. I don't know, then, what I want to achieve with the CBTheraphy. Now I feel like do I really need it ? I coped for the whole of my life, I was strong enough to pull it all together, when I need it . I might be able to do it again as mine main trigger has gone - my previous job. Now I should concentrate on programming myself to have a good thoughts by motivating myself, and believing in it.

 On the other hand I rage now, as I remind myself about a girl who I know who was going to school with me to this same class actually. She is getting married in a few weeks with engilsh man. I am angry because of that, I am angry that she has a £2000 p/w job. It makes me fuming, am I jelaus, I think I am. I hate to admit it though. She is acting like she doesn't know mw that's why she makes me so angry, and the thing that she is marrying a rich english man, grrry . I want to punish her, as I feel so mad at her.

CBT

So I meet Giovanna- that is the right spelling of her name. She was so similar to my ex manager who I hate deeply, somehow even without seeing her I disliked her which was strange for me. The moment I had seen her, she made me realise that these have to be the seventh sense or something as I dislike her just like that. Anyhow I suppose to have CBT right, so what happened yesterday was another test. I mean I didn't have any therapy whatsoever, why I meet with her I find out when I arrived at the Right Steps.

When I came I got a test to do, so I did. Then my appointment was at 9am , she came to me at 9.07am. Where we actually enter the building together. I didn't know how to enter the building and she showed me. When she introduced herself I laughed to myself. She had a very strong handshake, squeezed my hand and I felt like she is over confident. I come into the room she asked me to sit down and explained that she will make a test to find out if I am suitable for CBT?!?! WTF, I spend an hour on the phone with a person who did exactly this same thing! The exact test ! Same questions! What a fucking waste of time and taxpayers money! It made me really frustrated , but more angry I become when she told me at the end that now she will put me on the waiting list for CBT. O I thought, this will be it, but hold on,she have told me that now after two or three weeks someone will book an appointment for me for a........ ONE DAY CBT COURSE!!!!!!! I was angry, I ask her how this could help me , she asked me what help I am looking for. I have no bloody idea, I don't really know what is wrong with me as there is so much going on, it is like a mix of disorders. And she is asking me?????

Then she told me that maybe 6 weeks after the one day course I will be able to attend the CBT therapy. I forgot to mention that she told me that this one day course is for me to have a deeper understanding what this is about. What the CBT is and if I would feel like this is for me or not, and then I can decide if I want to go for it or for something different. Hmm, now when I remind myself about it , I feel calmer. There is a point there. If I really wouldn't want to go for CBT what else could I choose? I feel hopeless and I don't feel like anyone is helping me. My medication is not the best, believe me , it doesn't make me happy whatsoever. It's suppose to make me feel better. I don't feel the difference. I think propranolol is helping, as the panic attacks are under control. Although today I had a bad pain on the left side of my chest. I was wondering if it is my heart which aches, but then I realised that someone said before if it is the heart it will hurt at the back or in the middle of the chest. Well there was something , maybe stress.

Coming back to my meeting with Giovanna, I don't understand actually what had happened. I have a letter saying that I am having one to one CBT therapy, was that it? It was one to one definitely. Sigh , I am tired with all that and I don't feel happy, I feel more frustrated how it is going now. I actually don't believe that I will get the help I need. I need to save money for a psychiatric assessment , to find out what is wrong with me  : S

Let see how it goes and I will update on my one day CBT course which I suppose to have in 2 weeks time, lovely, ha?