I wanted so badly , yesterday , to write a post. I had so much to say in my mind. When I sat down and thought from what to start , my mind went blank, like I had no thoughts at all, ideas died then and there. Well now I want to write about my symptoms, thoughts, behavior and conclusions.
I am now in the chaotic place, although I am tired. I have snap moments where I pinch or punch myself, I call myself names in my head - this was so strong yesterday, as well as J. showed up again , so we had sex. I disgust myself, he disgust me, his penis, tong, hands, his smell and his dirty face. Why am I doing it , you may ask. I don't know, I am clearly aware that this is not something I want to do , like I don't have the power to control this. I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself, I almost got sick - physically nauseous, when I saw his sperm and his red, weak penis. I feel sick now when I think about it, but also I know I will do it again, this might be a few days, weeks, but I know myself that long that I know that this will happened.
I have those racing thoughts, but at times my mind goes totally blank. I am kind a slow I am unable to rush even though I want to. I am tired, but unable to lay down and sleep, like there is something in me what prevents me from doing it. She is more out now, I think yesterday my inner me was out all day, which I don't mind, as I was working a whole day. Then I went to have a sex with J. then I got home, had a bath and had sex with my husband- which was so nice, passionate and so fulfilling . Though I know it was wrong and I feel like it justified that I had cheated on him - again.
I was very depressed lately like let say two days ago I felt like killing myself, as I didn't see a purpose of my life. I usually exist not live a life. Which makes me more depressed and sad, and it is like a circle, though even then during the day I will have moments where I will laugh, smile, but I will come back to being miserable very quickly and without any warning. This disturbs me, because I don't know what will happened and I can not plan anything as even if I plan something , my mood will change and then the plan is completely different.
I feel today like going shopping , spend some money and make myself happy, yes that makes me happy, even if not happy it satisfies me. Makes me feel a bit better, although I haven't got the money and I strongly fight the urge to go and spend. I have a credit card which is in debit, but there is still money left there. I just feel like spending.
And I feel so let down I hate my GP she is a nasty little bitch which doesn't know what is in my head.
Now I had a brake from writing , and now I am back. It is 2.15 am I couldn't fall asleep , so I thought I may write the rest.
So now knowing how bipolar works I may say that it is starting the manic faze with me now- only if I am bipolar, as I may not be. Many different thoughts, started a lot of different tasks today but some of them haven't been finished. I was tiding up and throwing all unimportant stuff, and actually went shopping, although bought only groceries. I was in bed and started to have the attack, short of breath, headache, feeling like my heart moved to my throat , the blood pressure and pulse was alright so I am not worried. I read that there doesn't have to be a trigger to make you feel up or down , it sounds like me. The episodes last for days or weeks or months, here I am more like borderline, just because without a trigger I can be happy or depressed, or hyper, or manic, or anything you can think of which changes within an hour or jump from one extreme to another during the day. I crave chocolate , so I am treating myself with a cuppa and chocolate digestives. I know it is very bad , I plan to go on diet again, but I am unsure if I could manage that. On the other hand I think if I want to start diet , this is the right time as I will keep myself constantly occupied, so I might try it.
I was at the surgery today , having my spirometry done, after that I went to the reception to ask which of the practitioners are specialise in mental health, as you know that my GP is useless. So after next week appointment I will book myself appointment with another GP as I feel like I hate the current one.
Well I think it is time to have a cigarette and go back to bed for a little lay down.
xoxo
