So now I know that I have BPD , diagnosed in 2013, and possibly bipolar. Today I thought like I am more depressed again, having thoughts of harming myself, though I haven't done it so far( for maybe 2 months now). I eat chocolate like a bread, although I think of keeping healthy. But for some reason I am not doing it. About mood diary I think I will start from today. I want to exercise but I am not strong enough to do it. I am waiting for my energy to kick off full power so then I can do things , it will be the good breaking point. As if it kicks off then I can start doing things and I know that even if I become low I can still carry on for some reason. But I can not start , I am unable to, if I am low and no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work for me. I will try some diet only fruit and veg, and I hope I will be able to do it. This starts from tomorrow. I know I am postponing that and I shouldn't but hopefully this will give me the opportunity to prepare some food for a few days ahead. I hope this will work this time. Even taking into consideration the weather right now , it's dark , rainy , miserable, no sun at all, this do affect me, probably, but not as much as before. I still feel like sleeping a lot, but I am able to pull myself and cook dinner, feed pets and tidy up. Which is great turn around , so I'm not only sitting eating and watching tv. My life is very boring and dull , like I have no interests at all , besides watching animal planet and discovery science. I like to know things and actually I realised I will be great working with animals. That will be lovely thing. But I would want to have it connected with some admin job, like a receptionist in vet surgery. That will be so nice. Well let see how the life will go for me. I hope only for better things to happened now.
xoxo
Friday 25 October 2013
Tuesday 22 October 2013
And here it goes
I had returned to work yesterday after 5 weeks of not being there I felt a bit stressed out the day before. Surprisingly woke up yesterday morning and felt so energetic. Done my make up , dressed , took David to school and went to work. It was a very calm day like there was nobody which make me upset or agitated. It was nice , with one exception. As I came in gone to the office sat by my desk, I have been asked to leave. Ok, I thought I have the logins and passwords and I can use store manager office to do some work. Surprise log ins had changed during my absence as well as passwords. So I haven't done any work until about 12pm!
Then I asked Riki what shell I do? She said to set the wall with the sign, so for the 2 remaining work hours I set up the wall with nicely cut out letters .
The day gone passed quickly. And then I started to concentrate on my mood and behavior through the day.
When I woke up I couldn't get up of the bed and then when I get out of the bed I hit energy spark. I was moving quickly, had a shower, help my son to dress up to school, made him breakfast, dry and modeled my hair, packed his lunch , done my make up , feed the ferret and a cat, dress myself and still had a bit of time left before the school run. When going to school I felt like my nerves in my legs are kind a tense but it was not because of stress I felt the urgency to run , so I walked quickly almost keeping up with David riding his scooter.
Looking back the day before I had similar energy spark, on saturday and sunday I had the urgency to spend moneyso we went shopping. Though I have my fridge set with food for another 3 -4 weeks! I was smoking more through those days and ate less than usual . Then yesterday I kind a binged on food again. And for breakfast today I had a strawberry bon bons ! Daaa , and I actually was considering a healthy food like a porridge with seeds and honey.
So, I am going up and down with my moods, and problem I have is that I do not recognise it myself. Sometimes something normal and regular in my point of view is too high and considered to be a hypomanic episode. Well at the moment I am on CITALOPRAM, and it doesn't really have much of side effects on me which I think is pretty good. Though I read that ppl who suffer of bipolar and take SSRI med become more manic. It doesn't happening to me. Or I might not realise that.
I should write it all down, keep a mood diary!
xoxo
Then I asked Riki what shell I do? She said to set the wall with the sign, so for the 2 remaining work hours I set up the wall with nicely cut out letters .
The day gone passed quickly. And then I started to concentrate on my mood and behavior through the day.
When I woke up I couldn't get up of the bed and then when I get out of the bed I hit energy spark. I was moving quickly, had a shower, help my son to dress up to school, made him breakfast, dry and modeled my hair, packed his lunch , done my make up , feed the ferret and a cat, dress myself and still had a bit of time left before the school run. When going to school I felt like my nerves in my legs are kind a tense but it was not because of stress I felt the urgency to run , so I walked quickly almost keeping up with David riding his scooter.
Looking back the day before I had similar energy spark, on saturday and sunday I had the urgency to spend moneyso we went shopping. Though I have my fridge set with food for another 3 -4 weeks! I was smoking more through those days and ate less than usual . Then yesterday I kind a binged on food again. And for breakfast today I had a strawberry bon bons ! Daaa , and I actually was considering a healthy food like a porridge with seeds and honey.
So, I am going up and down with my moods, and problem I have is that I do not recognise it myself. Sometimes something normal and regular in my point of view is too high and considered to be a hypomanic episode. Well at the moment I am on CITALOPRAM, and it doesn't really have much of side effects on me which I think is pretty good. Though I read that ppl who suffer of bipolar and take SSRI med become more manic. It doesn't happening to me. Or I might not realise that.
I should write it all down, keep a mood diary!
xoxo
Friday 18 October 2013
And what to do?
So I had seen my psychiatrist who actually broke up our relationship as she was taking another job in other hospital. She said that Amanda (ex psychotherapist) and her had spoken about me recently , and that they got into conclusion that I actually might have Bipolar.
Well that was a bit of surprise, and yes now I see the light and why they say that. Though she didn't put her diagnosis she said it is worth to try Lithium or Depakote. She promised to send a letter to my GP and advise him further what to do. So I received my letter without the page where she had said what steps to take and what dosage to prescribe. Well , my GP did not receive this letter and so he couldn't give me any advice on that. Surprisingly when I returned to see him after 2 weeks he had the letter and said that he is not able to carry on or even start me on depakote. Then with lithium I have to be stable on medication so they could carry it over from psychiatrist.
Loads of misinterpretation, not knowing or other shit is going on with thw bloody NHS, Doctors are not capable of doing anything, one is saying one thing and the other is saying other thing, that makes me hate them and what is worse it makes me more and more frustrated. Like now I had 4 weeks off because I have been depressed and how can I get better if I have idiots dealing with my health. GRRRYYY
So any way nothing will happened until 18 November as this is the day I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We will see what she will say.
Going back to bipolar I realised that I haven't got much of manic episodes. Now when I stayed at home for the first 2.5 week I felt very week and tired and sleepy and then I had like 3 - 4 days doing stuff, smiling ,giggling, waking up at night and play computer games , cleaning and then I thought I'm cured my depression is gone . And then relapsed again but not as severe as before , now I feel kind of steady but I know that this depression hasn't gone yet.
So what should I do?
I am about to change my surgery as the one I am with now is shitty one with terrible patient service. Well I hope that it will be a good choice, at least I might be able to book an appointment with this same GP!
Well that's it for now XOXO
Well that was a bit of surprise, and yes now I see the light and why they say that. Though she didn't put her diagnosis she said it is worth to try Lithium or Depakote. She promised to send a letter to my GP and advise him further what to do. So I received my letter without the page where she had said what steps to take and what dosage to prescribe. Well , my GP did not receive this letter and so he couldn't give me any advice on that. Surprisingly when I returned to see him after 2 weeks he had the letter and said that he is not able to carry on or even start me on depakote. Then with lithium I have to be stable on medication so they could carry it over from psychiatrist.
Loads of misinterpretation, not knowing or other shit is going on with thw bloody NHS, Doctors are not capable of doing anything, one is saying one thing and the other is saying other thing, that makes me hate them and what is worse it makes me more and more frustrated. Like now I had 4 weeks off because I have been depressed and how can I get better if I have idiots dealing with my health. GRRRYYY
So any way nothing will happened until 18 November as this is the day I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We will see what she will say.
Going back to bipolar I realised that I haven't got much of manic episodes. Now when I stayed at home for the first 2.5 week I felt very week and tired and sleepy and then I had like 3 - 4 days doing stuff, smiling ,giggling, waking up at night and play computer games , cleaning and then I thought I'm cured my depression is gone . And then relapsed again but not as severe as before , now I feel kind of steady but I know that this depression hasn't gone yet.
So what should I do?
I am about to change my surgery as the one I am with now is shitty one with terrible patient service. Well I hope that it will be a good choice, at least I might be able to book an appointment with this same GP!
Well that's it for now XOXO
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