just the thoughts

So now I know that I have BPD , diagnosed in 2013, and possibly bipolar. Today I thought like I am more depressed again, having thoughts of harming myself, though I haven't done it so far( for maybe 2 months now). I eat chocolate like a bread, although I think of keeping healthy. But for some reason I am not doing it. About mood diary I think I will start from today. I want to exercise but I am not strong enough to do it. I am waiting for my energy to kick off full power so then I can do things , it will be the good breaking point. As if it kicks off then I can start doing things and I know that even if I become low I can still carry on for some reason. But I can not start , I am unable to, if I am low and no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work for me. I will try some diet only fruit and veg, and I hope I will be able to do it. This starts from tomorrow. I know I am postponing that and I shouldn't but hopefully this will give me the opportunity to prepare some food for a few days ahead. I hope this will work this time. Even taking into consideration the weather right now , it's dark , rainy , miserable, no sun at all, this do affect me, probably, but not as much as before. I still feel like sleeping a lot, but I am able to pull myself and cook dinner, feed pets and tidy up. Which is great turn around , so I'm not only sitting eating and watching tv. My life is very boring and dull , like I have no interests at all , besides watching animal planet and discovery science. I like to know things and actually I realised I  will be great working with animals. That will be lovely thing. But I would want to have it connected with some admin job, like a receptionist in vet surgery. That will be so nice. Well let see how the life will go for me. I hope only for better things to happened now.

xoxo