This Blog

I created this blog to have a chance to let it all out. I don't talk about my feelings, I am unable to, although people see my changing moods and how they vary. I have a lot of pain inside, sometimes it’s so strong that I am unable to breath. I have difficulty to concentrate on ordinary things like watching TV, if I am interested in reading something my thoughts will fly away to a different subject. I will hurt myself although I’m not a cutter, I have different ways of self harm and they are good, as no one is actually able to see it. I sometimes cry when I self harm, but I can’t stop, I have a need to hurt myself, I feel better after, not for long but it helps. I love or hate people, I don’t learn from my mistakes, I wish I would. I avoid confrontation, if someone will hurt me instead of talking about it, I run away and suffer. I feel frightened and unable to cope with anxiety, I will cry for no reason. I will shout and scream and I am unable to control myself sometimes. I will punish the closest people to me, I hate when it happens. In a rage I can be so aggressive that my mind is going blank , I don’t remember of thinking about the consequences. I feel lonely, empty, hurt for no reason. I will keep people on distance, I like to have control over that. I need friends but I haven’t got many, I like to be left alone, have a peace and quiet. I love to work – not my current job I hate it, it makes me depressed a lot. I don’t understand my feelings but that’s the feelings I know, that’s how I am, that’s who I am.

I will become anxious, angry, sad, happy, lonely, depressed, kind, raging, punishing, dery, humiliating, tired, restless, suffering, polite, empty, abusive, harmful, denying in a matter of minutes or hours.

What triggers my moods ; taste, smell, weathers, dreams, de ja vu, past memories, mother, people who try to be too close, work, stress, and loads of different things.

I think writing about my past and present feelings might help me to deal with the loneliness and helplessness, maybe it will help me to find a way of what I want in life. WHO I want to be, I still don't know. I don’t have hobbies, but I always wanted to write, so that might be it .

Feel free to comment, don’t judge the grammar, English isn’t my first language so it might be difficult to describe my feelings sometimes.