Friday 27 April 2012

I will tell you the reasons why I don't trust people , why I think that most of them "normal" people are lying, cheating, bullying, manipulating, ignoring and defying chances and possibilities.
I was off from work, as you already know because of the stress they caused me at work, I actually started to cut myself because of that although I am scared of blood and wounds, and doing it. I had cut my arms and upper legs, and you know what this actually release the pain, the pain I feel inside this overwhelming pressure in my chest which stop me from thinking, breathing and living - I think I actually exist not live a life, which is sad. Anyway I was harming myself in different ways, abusing my body to relief the pressure but cutting is something you cannot explain. This gives me control, I know it's weird but I feel good while cutting. But after that seeing  those scars I hate myself, why the hell I'm doing it? I don't know it just feels right. Why now? I'm 32- almost -cutting myself, irresponsible, selfish and so wrong but there is more to that.
I hate people at work the management doesn't have people skills , they are hypocrites and arrogants with the high pay which makes me so angry. They suppose to help, but they never have the time for you, they think they make right decisions but they don't they are lucky enough to have people working for them, I think in big corporations there is nothink you can really do about it, good practice is in policies and procedures but it is just a written statement, people act differently, it is all in job training so generally speaking those are generation of people who work for the company with knowledge and behavior of someone who worked there 60 years ago it's habit which people developed. The stupid will survive becoming one of them, smart will die quickly as they will strip them from the pride they will make them feel useless and undervalued, they will throw the rocks under their feet for them to fall hard as they don't want to become their donkeys who will do everything to satisfy the boss who is wrong. In my company I was a trainee team leader, after 6 months they said Iam perfect person to help out manager of the other section to run it, stupid me believed them and accept the position  without first rethinking it. The next day I knew that I want to be back to the section I was working on before so I said to the deputy manager that I want to go back, he was unhappy with that after a few days he said he will bring me back to the role I had previously. I waited 3 months for that, still naively and foolishly believe in the good heart of the big fat bully. Then I was back, but it wasn't as before, I had less responsibilities, I have been given jobs of supervisors or general assistants, I was undervalued and start to feel less and less needed, I felt worthless, hopeless, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to help others, I didn't feel like there are any perspectives for me there. And the striking point was when I had been called for a meeting with my senior manager who informed me that he feels like I need t step down, the reasons were I'm not mature enough, I'm not genuine enough , but hold on, 3 months back I had this same meeting and he was saying totally opposite things. I was defending myself , but at the end of the days I decided that you can not win with an idiot, and so I stepped down. Foolish and naive again. I was even less appreciated still paid as a supervisor but doing crap jobs, then I got to the point that I couldn't live like that, I was hurt, I had panic attacks, I was scared to go to work, I was nauseous, my hands were sweating , anxiety reached the breaking point. I got a sick note for 2 weeks. When I came back my stupid manager done return to work for me, asking if there is any thing they can do to help me - I wanted to reduce my hours of work and be a team leader back again. It didn't happen, I had been told that if I want reduced hours I will have to be a supervisor, as there is nothing they can do because business needs require that. That's so not the truth, but anyway never mind. I had a chat with our HR manager about my sickness I have told her everything and she even didn't try to help me , she was in such denial, she was listening that was the only good thing she did for me. They are liars, peasants, irresponsible dumbasses who doesn't know nothing about life and their employees.I hate my job.