I had moved to the other store , still working for this same company though. I feel like my life escapes through my fingers, I still don't feel like I'm fully living my life it is so bizarre. I wish it could be different, so still looking for work. Lately I feel much better , my moods are kind a stable, and I don't get angry as much actually at all. I think I'm getting better feels like recovery, I had a period of time that I couldn't sleep , now I have the thing that I would sleep constantly. For the whole of my life I had a light sleep, I could wake up when I heard something and now I just sleep through the night and even alarm clock won't wake me up!
I feel tense like there is something inside me and it want to escape and it can't, I feel and hear the screaming in my head. I can not really describe that and it feels so weird. It is like small me in my head screaming, shouting and want to escape from my head. On the outside I am calm and patient, without those moments of uncontrollable anger and frustration. I get upset, yes, but I manage to control this behavior and not letting it control me which is good.
I still have those persistent thoughts of self harm , I still cut my legs, even if I will postpone it - I usually clean , tidy up or try to do other things so I won't self harm - I will do it anyway. It makes me upset because my son can see it and will ask what happened and I just feel so bad for lying to him, I try to wear something so he won't see it. But if he is joining me in the morning when I'm still asleep, and when my hubby goes to work, he is able to see it. This makes me sad but on the other hand it is like air for me - I need it, I need a cut and pain, I need to harm myself - didn't figure it out why yet, but I feel like this is needed for my existence, that's just sad. I really want to cut my arms and somehow I still manage not to do that, but it is so tempting , and because of that I cut my legs as well just not to do it on my arms. I don't want my scars and cuts to be visible to others although I have a few cuts here and there on my arms and wrist but It's very random and I don't think anyone would think that those cuts or scars were made by me. Maybe only those on my wrist but here you have to get a closer look on that to see it. I use sudocream whenever I cut, for my scars not to be visible as much and apple vinegar to make them lighter. So I take care of them, I just wish I could stop making them. That would be great.I am playing my other role now, as I'm working in new store I have to blend in. It will be hard but I already feel at home, how strange, in the previous store I worked for almost 2 years and haven't felt accepted. Here just a couple of days and it feels so nice. I'm so different and so similar to the old me. I think I need to be different whatever suit me and others.
