I wanted to read what I wrote on my blog. But decided not to, as if I wouldn't like something I will delete it. If I do that I will cheat myself, and I don't want to do that.
Why I would do that? Because my life is bad I feel humiliated by all the things I am doing with my life and my body. I feel embarrassed and ashamed . I read my blog description and it is hard to read it. Anyway I will leave it as it is.
 Today wasn't a really good day I struggled, I wasn't able to cry I don't know why? I felt full of emptiness and just wanted to cry it all out and I couldn't. So, as much as I didn't want to I self harmed again. It felt good. The overwhelming emotions disappeared for a while which made me feel way better than before. Exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to have a nap today that was the first thing in my mind after I woke up, although I didn’t lay down. I had so many things to do – now it feels like there was nothing really to stop me – I read some blogs and tidy up a bit. I feel exhausted and lonely, I crave chocolate. That's such a good idea – chocolate.
 Today I was looking at myself when self harming and my face didn’t change a bit, just a grim of pain and tears in my eyes.


 I looked myself in the eyes and wanted to stop but I couldn’t, I called myself names – in my mind it is a male voice who tell me what he wants – that's my master and I am his beach. He will make me beat up and abuse myself, whenever I am happy or sad. He will tell me how to tight myself or what clothes to put on, he will tell me how hard I should squeeze my nipples, and how hard to masturbate, and with what. The voice will tell me what he wants me to do, and as I am his slave I will do it, through the tears. So at the end he will – sometimes – mention that I am good. I don’t always masturbate but that’s the part of my self harm ritual. I have punched my face and head, I thought that I will have a fat lip, luckily for me I didn’t. That’s alright then no signs visible.
 Time to go and eat something – hmmmm chocolate
 

Madness in my head , thoughts racing and I feel lost.

I try the 3rd time to write, I try to concentrate and make sense of my thoughts. Just to write how I feel and I don't know what to write. I'm sad and empty inside, I think about my son and hubby. I just had a thought that something will fell of the air, hit me and I will die, crazy. I had similar thoughts earlier, when I went shopping. On my way to the bus stop I thought that my boys are at home. I thought what will happened if they will die, when I'm away. What will I do? I will blame myself for living them and not taking them with me. I don't have idea from where those thoughts are coming from its justweird.

I dont understand my feelings, moods, preferences. I am sadistic,  I know music will cause me a kind of a  distress I will still listen to the songs which make me feel hurt. I will watch movies which will affect me.
I feel bad, I am fat and I ugly.
I want to stop feeling but I can't !
I want to scream !
I see my self shouting and braking things !
I mess my hair, I want to cry but there is no tears.

Do I live ? I feel like I exist but I don't live a life, which I want to live.
I love my boys XOXO

It hurts

Did you ever feel like killing someone? Just a random person, outside, on the road, the one you don't know without any feelings at all. I wonder sometimes why my thinking is mad like that? Why I think that , if other people think about those things. If they do think like that, did they have some terrible experience in their life before.


 What if I don't have a personality disorder and I'm  just looking to fill some emotional gap. 


I have been beaten up so many times in my life, by my mother and father, and grandfather. I feel pain when thinking about it, I feel angry and sad, I know that it left some emotional scars, while body healed from the purple marks and broken skin. I do abuse, especially those who are closest to me, those who I love the most. I will feel rage and that's only feeling I have, I don't think at a time what harm I can cause. After that I will realise that I hurt someone and be genuinely sorry, I would feel bad and be very angry with myself for doing that. I will abuse anyone who I scent is weak I will shout, scream, swear, hit, slap, smack, shake. I am angry with myself because of that and for many other reasons as well, I can harm myself because something went wrong at work, because the bus was late, I got the job, I left the job, I am going for an interview, I had an interview, I was late to work, I didn't get what I wanted and so on. I might cry from the pain and still hurt myself, I can hit myself with the fists in the head or with anything else available, covering my face with any type of fabric so it won't leave visible marks or if it will they will be less visible . I will hurt my breast and nipples, just to feel a physical pain for the  emotions to go away, I will insert objects into my vagina but I rarely masturbate. So leaving myself kind an unsatisfied, but satisfied on the other hand, with pain. I can plan what I do days before. I will harm myself only when I am alone at home. The only thing I am afraid of is that someone could come and I won't be able to answer the door. This kind a freaks me out at times as we live in a flat and you can hear people walking around in the communal area.

 But going back to my thoughts of killing, they are rare, spontaneous, and not really that persistent but I have them. I can clearly picture myself having a gun and shoot people. I know that I wouldn't really go out there and do it. I know I am too scared to take a life. But strangely I think about it anyway.