I wanted to read what I wrote on my blog. But decided not to, as if I wouldn't like something I will delete it. If I do that I will cheat myself, and I don't want to do that.
Why I would do that? Because my life is bad I feel humiliated by all the things I am doing with my life and my body. I feel embarrassed and ashamed . I read my blog description and it is hard to read it. Anyway I will leave it as it is.
 Today wasn't a really good day I struggled, I wasn't able to cry I don't know why? I felt full of emptiness and just wanted to cry it all out and I couldn't. So, as much as I didn't want to I self harmed again. It felt good. The overwhelming emotions disappeared for a while which made me feel way better than before. Exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to have a nap today that was the first thing in my mind after I woke up, although I didn’t lay down. I had so many things to do – now it feels like there was nothing really to stop me – I read some blogs and tidy up a bit. I feel exhausted and lonely, I crave chocolate. That's such a good idea – chocolate.
 Today I was looking at myself when self harming and my face didn’t change a bit, just a grim of pain and tears in my eyes.


 I looked myself in the eyes and wanted to stop but I couldn’t, I called myself names – in my mind it is a male voice who tell me what he wants – that's my master and I am his beach. He will make me beat up and abuse myself, whenever I am happy or sad. He will tell me how to tight myself or what clothes to put on, he will tell me how hard I should squeeze my nipples, and how hard to masturbate, and with what. The voice will tell me what he wants me to do, and as I am his slave I will do it, through the tears. So at the end he will – sometimes – mention that I am good. I don’t always masturbate but that’s the part of my self harm ritual. I have punched my face and head, I thought that I will have a fat lip, luckily for me I didn’t. That’s alright then no signs visible.
 Time to go and eat something – hmmmm chocolate