Did you ever feel like killing someone? Just a random person, outside, on the road, the one you don't know without any feelings at all. I wonder sometimes why my thinking is mad like that? Why I think that , if other people think about those things. If they do think like that, did they have some terrible experience in their life before.


 What if I don't have a personality disorder and I'm  just looking to fill some emotional gap. 


I have been beaten up so many times in my life, by my mother and father, and grandfather. I feel pain when thinking about it, I feel angry and sad, I know that it left some emotional scars, while body healed from the purple marks and broken skin. I do abuse, especially those who are closest to me, those who I love the most. I will feel rage and that's only feeling I have, I don't think at a time what harm I can cause. After that I will realise that I hurt someone and be genuinely sorry, I would feel bad and be very angry with myself for doing that. I will abuse anyone who I scent is weak I will shout, scream, swear, hit, slap, smack, shake. I am angry with myself because of that and for many other reasons as well, I can harm myself because something went wrong at work, because the bus was late, I got the job, I left the job, I am going for an interview, I had an interview, I was late to work, I didn't get what I wanted and so on. I might cry from the pain and still hurt myself, I can hit myself with the fists in the head or with anything else available, covering my face with any type of fabric so it won't leave visible marks or if it will they will be less visible . I will hurt my breast and nipples, just to feel a physical pain for the  emotions to go away, I will insert objects into my vagina but I rarely masturbate. So leaving myself kind an unsatisfied, but satisfied on the other hand, with pain. I can plan what I do days before. I will harm myself only when I am alone at home. The only thing I am afraid of is that someone could come and I won't be able to answer the door. This kind a freaks me out at times as we live in a flat and you can hear people walking around in the communal area.

 But going back to my thoughts of killing, they are rare, spontaneous, and not really that persistent but I have them. I can clearly picture myself having a gun and shoot people. I know that I wouldn't really go out there and do it. I know I am too scared to take a life. But strangely I think about it anyway.