Madness in my head , thoughts racing and I feel lost.

I try the 3rd time to write, I try to concentrate and make sense of my thoughts. Just to write how I feel and I don't know what to write. I'm sad and empty inside, I think about my son and hubby. I just had a thought that something will fell of the air, hit me and I will die, crazy. I had similar thoughts earlier, when I went shopping. On my way to the bus stop I thought that my boys are at home. I thought what will happened if they will die, when I'm away. What will I do? I will blame myself for living them and not taking them with me. I don't have idea from where those thoughts are coming from its justweird.

I dont understand my feelings, moods, preferences. I am sadistic,  I know music will cause me a kind of a  distress I will still listen to the songs which make me feel hurt. I will watch movies which will affect me.
I feel bad, I am fat and I ugly.
I want to stop feeling but I can't !
I want to scream !
I see my self shouting and braking things !
I mess my hair, I want to cry but there is no tears.

Do I live ? I feel like I exist but I don't live a life, which I want to live.
I love my boys XOXO

It hurts