Today was the day where I didn't know what was really happening. I was trying to stay focus but I was unable to. I started cleaning today at the afternoon and it made me so vicious, I was keeping my self tight and didn't had a blow up. So no one had suffered , but what the hell it is for me to hold it back. I was shaking inside like this other me wanted to come out. I was in a state when I thought of banging my head of the wall, to stop the urgency and thoughts of tearing everything apart. I don't undorstand myself and I don't know what cause it, what I know is that I hate to be in this state, as I can hurt people around me and myself. I thought of self harm as well but I was unable to do it, because my hubby planned a sexy night. So cuts are out of order today. But I make myself sick, just eat and eat and eat and then throw, everything, up down the drain. I feel so angry like I would expload in a rage. I still keep myself calm outside, I feel like this massive ball is growing in my throught making me feel pain - it is difficult to describe . I wish I could be easy going and so chilled out but I am not, I an unsettled and unhappy, with my head full of annoying random thoughts.Now I am worried as well as I am in such a debit, when and how will I pay it of? That question is stuck in my head , but this didn't stop me from buying new shooes for my boy today. It is pathetic, as I know it is bad to spend money you haven't got and then spending them any way and getting in to more debit. I am angry on myself because of that as well. Crap, just stop, don't think, relax, I am tired. Phisically I feel ok, but mentally drained and annoyed by the fact that I am unable to help myself, and that I haven't got the power over that stupid things in my life.
Those random thoughts are annoying as well, because I don't give them enough attention , but some of them are really good. I am forgetting them and I am trying to remind myself what was that I thought of, as it was such a good idea, and I can not remember and this makes me so frustrated I feel dumb.
I really want to cut , to feel the pain as the mental pain is so bad.
xoxo
