I'm angry with myself I have no idea why this is happening to me ,
why I cannot stop thinking how stupid I am. I have enough of my own stupidity,
the point here is having a conversation with myself. My thoughts are so
annoying at times, that I want them to just shut up. They are like , shut up -
no you shut up! Then I laugh to myself as I realise that I want to shut myself
up and none of me want to be quiet. It makes me freaking tired. Today at work I
had thought about so many things especially about the interviews I had and the
reasons why the management didn't choose me for neither of the posts. I think I
am just so useless and cannot pull myself together any longer. I want to just
stop. Stop my thinking, stop the feeling that I'm somehow nuts. I thought today
again that people around me at work just lie to me and they don't like me and
that I am just a worthless. That everyone is actually against me and that I
hate all of them. I feel like they talk about me behind my back and that they
don't wish me well. Management and colleagues want to find out my deepest
secrets so they can use it against me , I feel like I don't want to work there
anymore. It is bad I feel delusional, like I think I exaggerate but as well I
think I am right. What the hell?!
I am freaking out
with all that and I am bloody confused.
The other weird
thing is that lately I am loosing my jewellery. I mean one day I woke up with
only one earring in my ear, I thought it slide out somehow at night. I looked
everywhere around the bed in bed and bedding and couldn't find it. I tried to
remind myself if I had taken it out somehow, and I remember that at night my
ear felt uncomfortable . But I had no idea that I removed the earing. Why I say
that , because two days later I had found the earring in the lounge and it was
closed - it was a heart shaped stud. So how the hell I did that I don't have
any recollection whatsoever. The other thing was my earring - hoop, I woke up
and my ear was painful and swollen , I have taken the earring out because it
was hurting me . But why ?It was all healed already. It felt like I was turning
it in the earhole, but I actually couldn't do that as earing is to thick to
turn it around. Then the nose stud, my nose didn't heal fully yet but for the
last month was alright, no swelling and no bleeding. Today I woke up to find my
nose hurting on the side with piercing. I looked my my stud was half way out.
This stud has a ball at the end and that's why I don't take it out because it
hurts. Why it was half way out then?!
It feels weird,
and strange, and I feel like I am loosing my mind somehow lately, feeling so
suspicious about everything and tired.
I hate to feel
that way, I hate to think that way, I hate to be suspicious, and think that
people are against me.
I am tired of all
that, and I want to scream and shout because I feel so stressed and angry,
frustrated, sad , mad, tired, insecure, lonely, and constantly looking behind
my back.
