Me And People

I thought of writing some piece about my social life, as I think is out of the ordinary. I was always with people, but people have  never been with me. I had always a choice of making friends, if for some reason I thought people are not smart enough, intelligent enough or if they don’t fit with me, there was no chance that I will be able to tight some bounds with them. I have my very best friend who I don’t talk to any more, we live so close to each other, but maybe because of her overloaded work schedule and my family life we don’t  meet to chat and tell secrets to each other anymore. She was with me for whole my life, for as long as I remember.  This was the beginning of the longest relationship I have ever had with non family. As a child and teenager I have never had any friends at school, I had children around me but I wouldn’t call them friends. Yes, we played with each other and visited our homes but I was always kind of an outsider rejected from the group. I remember times when children were nasty to me calling me ginger and later a fatty. My good grades started when I come back to public school age 13 , I realised then that I won't have friends because I was ugly. I was studying at home, doing my homework and more than expected. If I didn’t understand something I had my ways to explain subject to myself. I got better grades and people were coming to me to copy my homework. I started to love math, biology, chemistry and language classes. I got to profile high school to do my NVQ  for a retailer. I pass a school with B mark, and I had only one girl there who was my friend. We are not friends anymore, after finishing school our ways went in different directions. Then I have done my GCSE and here I meet a schizophrenic girl.  I remember being with her so many times and doing same things as she did, we were rough and such a good team then .
 So I kept people in the distance I will meet with them when I wanted to, but I wouldn’t make them really bond with me. I still do those things - keep people in the distance, I don’t want to be hurt. I realise now even though I dearly love my husband, I push him away.
I had a really good relationship with my current senior manager I adored him , he was my guru. Currently he is the worst person I have ever known, he is so bad that I can not even describe that. I avoid him as much as possible, putting my mask and saying that I am alright. I trust people although if I feel by any reason that they are using me, hurt me , neglect me, avoid me, not there when I need them, judge me, dishonest, lying, manipulating, rude, they will be rejected straight away, and I won't trust them again. Until they will do something extreme, for me, then I might start to trust them but it is really uncommon.

I feel socially disturbed., I love my loneliness and I love people, I work in a very customer concentrated environment and I love it. I am avoiding attachments , I love to be around people, I hate to be in places where there are a lot of people. Honestly I hate high street sales, very crowded environment, and people touching and pushing you around It makes me feel intimidated. I just hate crowds and when someone is touching me, or speak to me . That is my social life, I like to be surrounded by people as much as I hate that.  I don’t like big cities, I don’t like underground, I don’t like when people touch me, I don’t like people too close to me. I think I am so varied and complicated that I don't need people around me as even those close to me are not trustworthy in my opinion.