life, borderline, depression, pain, anxiety and other disorders

IT MIGHT BE HIGHLY TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE,
if anyone is actually reading it .


 I went to the GP yesterday and mentioned again that I would be interested of having the whole assessment done by psychiatrist to find out if there is more to my depression and anxiety. What he said stunned me, well he said that if I'm thinking of bipolar or personality disorder I haven't got any of those. WOW! I thought, he continued, if you would have this kind a condition you will have more severe symptoms. WOW again, and I just couldn't say anything. I was shut. I thought how the hell I should talk to all those fucking doctors. I feel helpless and it is so upsetting. I feel like I'm loosing a battle, recently thinking a lot about the suicide, as the pain is the hell unbearable at times. So, what are the more severe symptoms then?!? Does anyone have the answer to that? I will very welcome any ideas and examples.

My life again, examples:
 I can not cry it all out because of fluoxetine , and I think I need to cry at times to free some of the soul pain stuck in my chest, to be able to breath, be able to concentrate on the other stuff, but I can't cry. I feel like tearing my chest with my hands to stop the pain , I hold my head in my hands coz I feel like it will blow, because of so many racing thoughts, and nothing makes any sense, nothing I will remember later. This is very like an anxiety right.
 There is another thing , I hate people and love them at this same time, this is particularly weird as I like to be around people but as well to be in control of everything what is happening. I'm trying to make people like me, on the other hand I think I don't care but then again I want them to like me , and then again to hate. It's so freaking weird. I just can't make up my mind, I keep people in the distance, as that's how I feel should be. I'm weird and tired of all that crap. BPD - ABANDONMENT? HISTRONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Maybe it's nothing really to think about, it might be that I'm exaggerating and there is nothing wrong with me.
I'm just making myself suffer, and mothers do hurt their children as mine did, everyone feels abandoned at some point so maybe it is just my mind playing tricks on me?
I just have another argument with the other me, one is complaining and writing the other one is saying to shut up she can not handle it any more, In my mind she holds her head in her hands with closed eyes and face full of pain. The other me is me with stoned face looking in the screen of the laptop, doesn't show any mimics or emotions.BPD - LOW SELF IMAGE?
 There why I have those voices in my head who swear at me, makes me resentful, humiliate me, give me orders to obey them. Somehow, I have the control over those voices, I can make them stop or stop hurting myself when my mind will get to the point  - what the fuck are you doing- then I will think and stop. But on the other hand I will continue for as long as those voices want me to. I will binge eat and purge, I will try to starve, steal things.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?

Now I would love to cut my hands, my wrists want to feel the razor but I know if I will do that there will be more questions which I wouldn't be able to answer. Now my son sometimes sees me with my scars and wounds on my legs and ask me what had happened. I will lie and say that I scratched myself, coz I definitely won't tell him that I do it on purpose. I think when he will be older and when he will be able to understand more then I will tell him , what was going on in my life. As I would love him to be fully aware of the feelings and that there are some things which are more complicated than we think.BPD - SUICIAIDAL BEHAVIOUR
I have to feel the pain, the physical pain for my soul to get some rest. Before I had a good way of doing that by hurting my nipples, breast, vagina. Now I cut (scratch) my legs and did a few times with my arms as well. Not happy about that, whenever I'm at work I think if everyone thinks what think that I cut myself.BPD - SELF INJURY
 Then I have that feeling like people are observing me , they want the worse for me, they don't wan't my happiness, they want to use me and make me suffer.PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER?

 I stole money from my parents and grandparents before, now I do it rarely but sometimes I have the urgency to take something, and not paying for it. I wouldn't even look around I will take it and put in the basket and from the basket to my pocket. Just like that.BPD - IMPULSIVITY?
  I always thought that pets are better than people, I had always been surrounded by pets and wild animals, like birds or hedgehogs. I loved walks to the forest with my dogs when I was younger, on the way we had a neighbour dog joining us, that was fun. I had cats, rats, mice, hamsters, parrots, rabbit, wild birds, hedgehogs, degu, dogs, fishes. I still think that human is so cruel we kill for fun and make animals kill for our entertainment, this makes me so angry.

 I will bit my self up, I have this need to hit my face and swear , tell myself how pathetic and fucking sad I am. How this whole shitty life kicked me in my bum. How I expect so much and I'm so fucking lazy and so bloody crazy that I don't achieve my own targets. I want to change the job but do nothing to find another one. Pathetic and so irritating , there is no fucking good people on this world, if they were I will most probably meet at least one person. O, hold on, maybe not, as I will avoid the chance to know the person , so maybe, I know them, but I had never bond with them - so I don't know that they are good.
 So am I having a personality disorder issues, or it's just a depression and high anxiety.

I would love to have money to pay for a psychiatric evaluation to know if I'm just freaking out or I have a real problem. I am feeling so low lately, just feeling of hopelessness is very disturbing making me tired and sick entire of living this kind of life. Blah
Then there is an issue with my fucking weight, and the bloody 2am feast of binge eating, chocolate craving and all that crap I consume, and then purging. Another issue is sex, I am really not in to sex but if I am OMG  I'm like a bitch in heat I would give my self to anyone to fuck - madness. I'm bloody freaking out today. Just so fucking fed up!!!! I want to shout, and scream, and tear things out, and kick, and punch.

What is strange I am calm outside, I am at home with my son, and my insights are boiling from frustration, anger and pain. But I learned a long time ago, how to wear my mask, although with the anger outbursts it is impossible. Whenever you want to explain your action after your rage, this big invisible hand is squeezing your throat and makes you unable to breath and not to mention of talking or explaining your actions.
Never mind maybe I will win the lottery or find myself a sponsor .to pay for the fucking Shrink.
Why I haven't study when I was young, I wanted to do so many careers in my life ie.sales person, vet, horse care person, policewomen, army, office admin, artist- drawing etc.now I am studying HR let see how this will go.