Sunday, 8 November 2015


Well, hello, I just realised that actually my last post was over a year ago!!! The time flies, the trouble that it actually don't cure the emotional instability. I am still, as I was before, so ...., hm..., they call it Borderline.

Now, I was actually diagnosed with BPD in march 2013, well, surprise here, as I read my clinic letters from the consultant. How I omitted this little detail?! I know I am not crazy, but it is just showing this same pattern every year, or even more often. Last year at this same time, approximately, I was feeling low and distressed. Let's call it depressed, now I feel quiet high I rage and I am over confident, well people perceive me as such. I gather I will use it for my benefit. But who I really am?

Am I, this confident person with good eye contact, knowing exactly what I want, or am I just a little girl who tries to be a grown up and the situation make me this big bad wolf.  This is the toughest part, the identity issues, I am frightened, angry and hurt inside. But at outside I will smile, laugh, and people will think I am ok. But am I?

I rage and grief, the situations which don't depend on me hurt me so much. Work wise things are bad, liers and posers every step of the way. I am just tired and confused by all those people on the high positions who do not follow the procedures, policies or a best practice. I don't understand how can you work as an HR business partner and not do the right thing. Cruel world.


Saturday, 1 November 2014

reality or delusions?

Well I have a fear of going back to work, I called my psychiatrist office on thursday and left a message that I would like her to contact me . Well the secretary most likely did not acknowledge my message as she did not called me back.

I am bloody worried that they all at work just wait for my return and they will not do what they said they will. I do not trust any of those people, they make me believe that they have my best in their action , but really they screw me over after that. Well the person I trusted turned around to be a bully, and how can I trust her. Going back to work will make it so hard now, as I have actually emailed her the whole story of my feelings.
Believe me I don't talk about my feelings with no one, only my hubby sometimes. I tend to keep it all to myself. I say I am alright but truly I feel like drowning, I hate to admit that I struggle or I'm hurt or anything else for that matter.

I think I like to believe that I'm fine and disregard my feelings, and then at home in my own peace I just start to feel those all emotions. I feel like I can not go back to work, as all of them will most likely question all I put in this email. I know it, I feel it in my bones, I hate it , I'm scared to go back.

Is this a real fear where I have real grounds to feel that way or is this a delusional fear where I don't  have the grounds ?
I feel let down , confused, frightened, tired, not capable to make any decisions currently. I'm sad :( don't know what to think or do.

I need to call my psychiatrist again as I just can not cope, I get really bothered, but I'm scared to call her as well.
I feel crap, huh , in pain.


Saturday, 25 October 2014

so I had taken time off - possible trigger be aware

Well it was to good to be true, my gut feeling was right, there was something hanging in the air. From my last post you could read I was in the office with my manager. What happened is so damn painful. I work hard at work and don't like to share my personal stories with people. They look at me like I am a weirdo , as I don't tend to lunch with colleagues, or gossip about others, or talking nonsense when I have hands full of work. I always say I'm fine even if my stomach is upside down, and the invisible hand squeezing my throat that I am unable to breath, when I shout at colleagues as I feel threatened and can not other way deal with it.

I went to see GP on thursday , obviously informing my manager that I will not be coming to work - I agreed to help out as I had been asked by her. As thursdays I am usually off. I had written that I have been bullied by her and I am feeling rather rough.Then after  a visit at the practice I called and spoke to one of my colleagues saying that I do not want to talk to my manager, and can she pass the message to my supervisor. On return home I have received an email from my manager saying that she in no way wanted me to feel bullied and obviously mentioned the meeting on tuesday and that she have supported me by offering me place in her office. I did not reply right away but I did this same evening , this is what I wrote:

I did not mention the conversation which we had on Tuesday I said in general I felt bullied on several occasions and over a few months time now. I just feel like I can not cope with this kind of ''support'' anymore. Your email is written so well, I will take this opportunity to write how I felt on those numerous occasions.

When I started to work for the department I really felt supported by yourself I found you very helpful and demanding which made me feel worthy. You pushed me hard and appreciated me, which was what I needed and I tried even harder. I was able to do my job, plus the job of the secretaries (band 3 and 4) in their absence, and you never told them that I should not do their job, but you have  stressed on few occasions that, I should not ask or expect someone on lower band to do part of my work. 
This was when T..... was offering to help print labels and wristbands just before I went on my annual leave, which you have made a big deal out of , saying that she is band 2 and I have not done my job as I should, and that T...... shouldn't do the job of someone on band 3. That was the first time you have shouted and belittled me in front of all colleagues which you have called to the room. I have walked out on you then, all shaken and in tears, and I was glad that I had my leave and I won't have to come in the next day. 
You stressed yesterday as well that, I quote ''you get paid to do everything including bringing files'' - well do I have a time for that? In your opinion I do and I do not utilise my time accordingly to the needs of my role.

You said that I am  being extremely rude to the PATIENTS which was indicated by my colleagues. This had happened on one occasion (!) and I feel like it was justified, as I had spoken to the patient very politely and tried to explain to him that he have the wrong informations but he would not listen what I wanted to say and called me stupid.  I will not be called stupid by no one even a patient. There is a specific procedure which prevents staff from being abused by patients, either over the phone or face to face. In my opinion you should be aware of that , and as I had been trying to speak to the patient politely and nicely and he started to be abusive verbally I have raise my voice and told him that if he doesn't want the procedure he doesn't need to have it and then K.....  said I can not shout at the patient - but I will get back to that later. The other K.....  temp staff) have spoken to him on that day as well and she came up to me and have said that this PT is extremely rude.

The women that I have cancelled off the list ,as I couldn't get in touch with her after she confirmed the appointment by phone, did I treated her rudely , no , did I raise my voice , no, did I by any means treated her wrong , no. But yes I shouted back at Karen and Reema as they had jumped on me speaking one by another, that we don't cancel patients , who had confirmed their  appointment. I have tried to explain that they are wrong but obviously the only wrong here was me, again. For shouting  at my colleagues who weren't helping me with the aggressive behaviour indicated towards me. 

Well with this patient I came to you much earlier and said she DNA'd on a couple of occasions, I can not contact her to confirm that she will be certainly attending her appointment, you were with Rob at a time and you both said to cancel her and put a comment - unable to contact the patient. Where there was more DNA'S than usual , K..... and R..... both said you had come in and asked THEM why there were so many DNA's and they told me that they HAVE told YOU that I called each PT to confirm their attendance, and on that day they had turn around and told me that they never heard about it!? Then you told me that maybe it was S....... who told me to remove the PT , but it was actually you and Rob. 

As for colleagues who feel i have been rude to them I'm sorry but on a few occasions I felt attacked by two people loudly talking to me and stressing that I can't RAISE MY VOICE at the patient who was rude to me or cancel a PT. Without prior asking why did I cancel it and arguing that we only contact a PT when they did not confirmed?! As soon as K..... pointed it out not to shout at the PT I have transferred the call to her so she could  deal with that. It happened a couple of times that I had raised my voice at R.....  this was the way I reacted at the time. R..... never raises her voice but she  aggressively talked to me saying that something is done different way then I have been told to do, obviously everyone will think I'm the bad one because I aggressively and loudly defend myself. 

My problem is that I have issues related to my behaviour and unfortunately at times I am unable to control them , as you know I have emotionally unstable personality disorder which is not an excuse, but as well it is not something which can be cure with a medication. I work hard on improving my behaviour but it doesn't always work. 

As to Tuesday meeting, yes, you have said you will give me the support but did you really supported me? Yes you have offered to me to be with you in your office and I think it helped me, as there is no nonsens being talked about and gossip which constantly comes through the door. I don't see people chatting on the phone to a colleague about something not related to their work when I feel sinking in the mud of my workload. Which helps me to do my work without distractions. But how otherwise did you supported me exactly?

You have said that there is a lot of complaints about my flexi lists and that the job I'm doing is not good at all. That the complaint are coming from senior management and that you have to defend my capabilities, that there are complaints from clinicians. But what are the complaints you still haven't told me , to only one issue you strongly stressing out are BREACHES. I try to be the best I can but it seems it's not enough, and I feel  it will never be. Those things hurt, it hurt to be told that everyone have issues with me, not only with me but with my work as well, this makes me lose the last bits of  confidence I had. This is painful as I always pride myself by my work, and on tuesday I felt crap, completely belittled. 

You have told me on tuesday to seek support from a supervisor when I feel like I can not accomplish my work, which I have done yesterday , and what have you done? You have told me that I should prioritise my work better , what mean ''better''?
Through my working hours I have booked, reschedule , personally called to offer an appointment ,search for the phone numbers, search for PT's files, put referrals in the system which were on my desk that morning, printed wristbands and labels, put requests on power chart, put the names on the lists for 23rd -1 list and 24th -2 lists - October , dealt with general patients queries. And I have asked for HELP with notes, have been told by Karen that she is busy and I should ask Vinesh as he is urology band 2 - these were her words. So I did , he then replied that he is busy himself and will not be able to bring me one set of notes. I dealt with it to make sure all is ready for Albany clinic today. And again I did not finish my job on time. You have said that sometimes it will be good to stay this half an hour longer to finish of my job. Well I do not agree as for this time no one pay me, why should I do a voluntary work where I am  treated badly.

On my return to the office you said that you were just emailing me about an email from V..... about the letter ?!  When I have asked you what letter you started to tell me in a raised voice that Vinesh send me an email at 1.30 to say that I need to find the set of notes my self. Then you started saying that we had a conversation about V...... helping me the day before - well we did not, that he isn't one to help me, then again I am not doing what I should - meaning - useless. 

 Now how this should make me feel? There was no notes for some of the PT's, as they weren't seen at K......, or the notes were off site which meant that they would come in today at 8 in the morning, and that someone had to go to health records library to pick them up , so the consultant will have the notes. I had spoken to A.... unit , on my return from searching for that one file which V.... was not able to help me with, and ask S..... to pass a message to E.... that she will have to collect the notes herself or send a porter to collect them from Health records this morning. Is it their job? No , is it mine? No . It is the job of health records staff , but as those people were booked late I had to find where the notes are, I had to request them, I had to go and talk to people about the notes being ordered. Where was your support? 
Instead you shouted at me and try to convince me that we talked about V..... supporting me, you pointed out my lack of organisation skills and lack of planning. Well I shouted back, I first time in a while felt I did a great job, well you crashed me, made me feel useless, neverless I was thinking to come in today to support the department .

In the addition I have said that the hours I have is not enough to cover my workload , you have said you will talk to S..... about it. You said you understand my point when I said that we have additional consultant who is doing additional clinics, as well as you and S..... know there are breaches being sent back from Q... Hospital and R..... agreed to take them on board, did anyone informed me? No. Did anyone thought this is addition to my work? No , you have told me IT IS MY JOB! So you want me to do all this extra job without additional support, and that's wrong, and then you are courageous enough to question my abilities and skills. But now look at this from my perspective and put yourself in my position and tell me my that do do my job within 19 hours is enough.

I was ok when leaving work yesterday but when arriving home I had all those feelings of being let down, being treated wrongly, instead of  helping me to stand up, you were throwing bricks under my legs so I fell once and once again. I felt little, worthless, hurt, sad and in pain as the person I thought is there to help me just stabbed me in my back. I felt so many emotions at once that it was hard to breath. 

From the time I started this role, it was nothing like a support from you, it was a blaming game which finally put me down enough that I feel like I can not cope. I had actually had a conversation about it with my psychiatrist, and she actually see the difference in my behaviour which is quite significant. 

Sometimes you should stop being a fighter and try to be a bit sensitive. I can not always express myself and at times I need a while to find out what exactly are my feelings and this is why I get all those emotions after some time. This is why I felt bullied,  as your actions caused my anxiety,  lost a confidence in my capabilities , your words made me feel really bad I felt attacked by you again, as you know it was not a first time and you know you are not entirely a calm type of person yourself. 
You actually first time on Tuesday said that I started off very well when I just came to do the job, but straight after you have told me that senior management does complain about my lists and this same my capabilities, as you mentioned the meeting you had and you and Saff had to defend me as they question my training and if I know what I am doing. You said it was the assistant chief executive herself!

I think this show you how I feel about the whole situation. Sorry for the length of this email , but I want you to understand how I have felt and what really bothers me.

I am currently emotionally shattered, I just don't want to have another massive breakdown. 
I will probably be back on the 6th November as I am currently on the sick leave to which I have doctors note.

Kind Regards

She replied to my email the next morning saying:

........., when you wake up call me, the doctors’ note is fine.

You know I support you. Call me on my mobile or work phone so when you come back we will have tools in place to make your job easier and for you to do what you do best, working hard and achieving results.

I believe in you that is why I supported you in applying for this job.
lion-prowling.jpg (850×421)
Well what can I think ? There was a couple more emails as Dr advised not to communicate with my work , but it still bothers me . It hurt me that it had to come to the point I was gasping for breath for them to realise that they may have done a wrong thing, actually. I should come back on the 6th as per the email below we should discuss some changes, see below: 

Let me cheer you up do not feel down, I am going to discuss the extention of your hours if 37.5 is not available what hours do you suggest 20? 25 hr?
 I believe in you always have, trust in your decisions.
 So we will devise a plan structure of your day. What is important first and so on.
 A clear working space, and a clear directive of what is your role and how secretaries and DSU fall in to support and how you support them.
 We will work out a plan with health records regarding the notes.
 Let me know if I have missed anything. I want you to return when you feel better; I also want you to know you are needed and are an important member of my team.
 Remember you are the lead co-ordinator for cystoscopies- you are in charge.
 Let me know what you think of my plan.
 Kind regards
How can she think this can cheer me up? I'm one bloody confused, unsure and frighten individual and I don't know what to do. I would like someone to come to work with me on the day when I will be returning, someone who will be supporting me , but no one close to me , either a work colleague, I don't really want them to know what I am suffering from and how frightened I am and have a lack in my confidence, especially that I have BPD. I know it might solve some issues at work or it might not. I don't want to feel more uncomfortable than I am now, I'm having those thoughts like they already talk about me. I am trying to ignore that but as you may know it is beyond my control and I have this little devil on my shoulder saying to me how bad I am and how colleagues, definately, have so much to say about me. 

BPD is really hard, it is like living with an enemy. You try to always oversee it, but it strikes when you less expect it. This is like a devil which waits hidden for awhile and then jumps on trying to suffocate me. The feel of guilt , patheticness, peti,  restlessness, depression, anxiety, food binging, constantly sleeping. It is awful.
I have asked my GP for propranolol, well she said because my asthma I can not take it, and because there nothing really for anxiety, as I am still on citalopram, she can not prescribe me anything.

This is so cruel, I am worried, worried sick of what to do next. Should I come back when my sick note is finished or should I take more time off? Who to ask to come with me , I don't want anyone from occupational health or HR. I thought to call my psychiatrist and ask if she has any advice. I am tired

If any of you dear followers have any ideas, please comment.
I would really appreciate advice.


Thursday, 16 October 2014


I have been very angry over last couple of weeks, well the good thing is that it was directed on my work colleagues not on my family. Well not good as good , but you know what I meant. This put me in a lot of trouble as shouting at idiots is classified as being rude and bullying assumption.

Well my problem is that
1. They don't really know me
2. If they will pay more attention to me they would see drastic change in my behaviour
3. instead of telling me how i should act and behave they might consider talking to me and maybe asking what happened
4. not attacking me like vicious dogs as it felt like I was surrounded without ability to escape so I bite back

I just hate the feeling like they all are so against me , not helpful, so judging. Unnecessary hardship for me , now I am working in my manager office. I don't know how to feel about it. She is being so nice to me, I don't know why. I feel thretend and sad I just think why she is so nice. Offered me a space in her office so I don't have to work side by side with those predators who feel like they are victims.

I am vigilant, but it worries me .