CBT

So I meet Giovanna- that is the right spelling of her name. She was so similar to my ex manager who I hate deeply, somehow even without seeing her I disliked her which was strange for me. The moment I had seen her, she made me realise that these have to be the seventh sense or something as I dislike her just like that. Anyhow I suppose to have CBT right, so what happened yesterday was another test. I mean I didn't have any therapy whatsoever, why I meet with her I find out when I arrived at the Right Steps.

When I came I got a test to do, so I did. Then my appointment was at 9am , she came to me at 9.07am. Where we actually enter the building together. I didn't know how to enter the building and she showed me. When she introduced herself I laughed to myself. She had a very strong handshake, squeezed my hand and I felt like she is over confident. I come into the room she asked me to sit down and explained that she will make a test to find out if I am suitable for CBT?!?! WTF, I spend an hour on the phone with a person who did exactly this same thing! The exact test ! Same questions! What a fucking waste of time and taxpayers money! It made me really frustrated , but more angry I become when she told me at the end that now she will put me on the waiting list for CBT. O I thought, this will be it, but hold on,she have told me that now after two or three weeks someone will book an appointment for me for a........ ONE DAY CBT COURSE!!!!!!! I was angry, I ask her how this could help me , she asked me what help I am looking for. I have no bloody idea, I don't really know what is wrong with me as there is so much going on, it is like a mix of disorders. And she is asking me?????

Then she told me that maybe 6 weeks after the one day course I will be able to attend the CBT therapy. I forgot to mention that she told me that this one day course is for me to have a deeper understanding what this is about. What the CBT is and if I would feel like this is for me or not, and then I can decide if I want to go for it or for something different. Hmm, now when I remind myself about it , I feel calmer. There is a point there. If I really wouldn't want to go for CBT what else could I choose? I feel hopeless and I don't feel like anyone is helping me. My medication is not the best, believe me , it doesn't make me happy whatsoever. It's suppose to make me feel better. I don't feel the difference. I think propranolol is helping, as the panic attacks are under control. Although today I had a bad pain on the left side of my chest. I was wondering if it is my heart which aches, but then I realised that someone said before if it is the heart it will hurt at the back or in the middle of the chest. Well there was something , maybe stress.

Coming back to my meeting with Giovanna, I don't understand actually what had happened. I have a letter saying that I am having one to one CBT therapy, was that it? It was one to one definitely. Sigh , I am tired with all that and I don't feel happy, I feel more frustrated how it is going now. I actually don't believe that I will get the help I need. I need to save money for a psychiatric assessment , to find out what is wrong with me  : S

Let see how it goes and I will update on my one day CBT course which I suppose to have in 2 weeks time, lovely, ha?