suicidal thoughts

I am.

Am I?

Tired and sad, with a head full of mess , I am worried sick, what I worry about? Everything i.e

my hospitalised mother , who might die any time , as she is loosing ability to get the oxygen into her system

my work, delusions which persist highly in relation to coworkers

my GP, as this little shit woman doesn't do a thing for me  and treats me as her guinea pig - as she wants to try medications on me and see if they will work , but refuses to send me off for psychiatric assessment as she claims it is a waste of time ( her almost exact words were, instead of doing those long tests we will try medication upgrading the fluoxetine dosage and give additionally ...)?!? WTF!

I worry constantly and this prevents me from ability to function as normal. I feel like I am so slow as never before. I take so much time to do things and I hate it. I move slowly, I don't talk as usual, I hate when people talk I am just unable to even listen. I feel so tired and kind a detached. WTF is going on now?

Is it another depressive, low mood, resigning moment of my pathetic life? Am I so tired of this shit that I am even unable to talk and listen, I think a lot though, I think about everything especially my mother.

I know right , she hurt me a lot, and I hate her for that but at the end of the days she is my mother, right. I don't forgive her for hurting me before, but hell if she die, I will drop even lower, I don't think I will be able to function at all then.

Fuck sake, I am so pathetic, fat and useless piece of shit , who doesn't deserve to be in this world. Even fucking GP doesn't think like there is a serious problem with me, WTF she wants? Dos she wants me to slash my wrists and bleed out and then she might think , actually she really needed help. How long can I stand this? How long I will be able to keep going, how strong I am yet? Why my screaming isn’t heard, maybe it’s not loud enough.

I am afraid on the other side, afraid that I will lose it , I had thought of harming myself for the last couple of weeks, and I managed not to cut every day. Which is an achievement.

I am confused, paranoid and so anxious that it makes me sick.

xoxo