tired

I am in a bad place right now,the attacks keep happening and I feel so tired of all that. I dont know what is wrong with me and the GP doesn't know either. I am unsure what I am doing and why am I doing it. I cut today , one cut to my leg, it didn't hurt at all , it didn't even bleed much. But it was deepest ever. It is bleeding now and it is a bit painful. I cover it with a dressing but I know I should had it stitched, though tomorrow I will set up a first aid kit for myself, if for any reason this will happened again. I will need a plasters which can be used as stitches and some dressings to cover it all up. I was surprised that the cut was so deep, and I felt like I will faint, as I hate the look of blood, and the wound was deep and I could see the skin layers - yuck.
Why I have done it ? I was in so much mental pain , my heart was hurting , my head felt so heavy. I was at work and I was in a very low mood , like I wasn't before. I REALLY HAD TO PUT AN EFFORT TO SMILE. I felt good after , it strangely made me feel relieved and so light inside.
I thought to myself that it doesn't hurt me , which was strange, but it took my mind off the pain I felt inside. I was feeling better.

I will see A. tomorrow I feel fed up like there is no help for me. No one wants to help an I haven't got the power to keep fighting, I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I feel soooo tired.
xoxo