Trust

Truly I want to thank you all for reading this blog, as I am then aware that I am not alone and that people feel similar or even this same way as I do. For that and for the comments left big THANK YOU XXX.

Yesterday I have seen my therapist A. I told her everything about my worries and that I have more stress because of the illness of my parents and my brother's family - they constantly have chest infections and bronchitis, what is worse that most of the year 1.5 year old and 3 year old boy is ill. This makes me very upset as why a child has to go through so much. I told her about SHE - which you met in a previous post, and that I am so angry at my GP as she doesn't trust me. I have asked her to have psychiatric assessment , to find out what is really wrong with me. It is a year now from the time I had gone to the doctors in relation to anxiety and stress , and I had seen people regarding that. Although there is more to the stress, depression, anxiety, overeating, binging, dieting, self harming, anger, rage and abuse. I wasn't just ready to tell her about my pain, my fighting thoughts, my racing thoughts, that I had been addicted to sex especially with man who were older than me , way older. That I spend the money I haven't got, that I hurt people who are the closest to me . That I am this scared and sad little person in one moment, and in a matter of minutes I can become cheerful and very active .

I told her that I want the assessment by a psychiatrist, and she asked me why?

I said - My therapist told me that she thinks I am bipolar and that it is worth to check it, 

GP- can you give me her phone number so I can talk to her?

Me  - I haven't got on me but I will call the surgery and I will leave it for you.

Why did she question that, I wouldn't ask for something if I was convinced that she is able to help me. But now she questioned it, and how possibly I can trust her now? I will see her today and what should I do just make it plain and just give her everything what I have on my plate? 

On the other hand I don't trust her, how could I trust someone who doesn't trust me?

Another thing is that A. actually told me yesterday to tell her everything , but I know I somehow did tell her briefly about all the symptoms , but I think she didn't even consider to help.

Many people are aware that if you self harm they will stick on your label of attention seekers. And to surprise all I will agree here, I wasn't before. But today I thought to cut my veins open so I will be taken to the hospital , and then they might put me for the psychiatric assessment. But what will happen if it will be too late? I self harm and I don't agree that I am an attention seeker here, as I cut the places no one could see, I have bruises on my body but no one can see them either, I am abusing myself sexually and no one has even an idea what I can do to myself. But taking into consideration cutting my wrists and having to go to the hospital , yes, that is attention seeking as no one want's to really help. This is crying for help, bringing attention that I asked for help and nobody helped me. I know it sounds weird and confusing, even I feel confused now. But this is how I personally see it. The worst and scariest thing in all that is that I might die, and I don't want to die.

Well I am tired and frustrated, and the worse thing is that I had changed so many doctors during this year and I thought that she is the ONE for me. But is she now? I haven't got the power to look for another GP, it is a waste of time and effort.

XoXo