looser

Why it feels so weird?

I feel like I am in a movie kind of a thing. I feel like I look at everything from a perspective of a viewer.

I don't understand that, it makes me feel anxious it bring some weird memories back, which I am fully unable to put in place, I don't know why I feel that way. I feel worried and can't stop that feeling, On the other hand it is understandable because you can not work on something you don't understand.

It was pretty good, lazy day today. The bad thing is that I eat and eat and eat. I though I won't go to the toilet to throw out, I did it only once. Now I feel heavy and uncomfortable as I eat sandwiches and had tea, but I don't want to go and vomit all out. I feel tired and sad , my mind goes completely blank at times. I hate to be anxious and I don't like this worrying feeling in my chest. I wish I could change it , but can I?

I can probably with motivation and positive thinking, I should be able to pull it through, but do I want that ? On the other side? Maybe I meant to be worried and sad, with my mask on when facing people around me or when working.

I am ashamed of my mental problems and I don't discuss that with anyone. I don't feel comfortable to talk to people about it as I think they will think I am crazy. I don't want to be judged, it is enough that I make myself miserable at times because of all the feelings I have. I wish I could push the button and it will make everything so easy and simple. I can't and that's the problem, I am unable to take charge of my life, I am not in control and when I am realising that it makes me more frustrated and unhappy. Why I can not control my actions and behaviour at times, why I can not be in charge of my life? I am weak, very weak I give up a lot without any logical reason. When I was younger and prettier I was somehow in charge. I choose the people I meet on my way, I choose who I slept with and at times I felt so dirty and disgusting. I was behaving like a whore, sleeping with a man around. Not feeling any guilt, only at times I felt like this was wrong, I got paid for sex so many times. But on the other hand I needed the money, so this was kind of a solution for me. I am unable to do that now as my body is disgusting me, I have so many stretch marks all over and in such a weird place that I am ashamed to get naked in front of my husband, the other thing is that I am so bloody  fat that I hate to show that to others. Even if I want sometimes. I need to lose weight and if I will I will be more comfortable with myself , my confidence will improve and I might be able to go out and do things around. Why I am not determined enough? 

I feel odd, like I am in my own world, bad fantasy world when nothing goes as I planned. It is sad to even think about it. As no one even read those posts I am not even worried that I will have someone who knows me reading it . Never mind I just let the emotions out.