So I am , Lonely , miserable, tired, anxious, and everything possible you can add to this list. My dreams are frightening me , they are just unbelievable , today for example I dreamed about my husband and I told him that instead of drinking with mates he has to do some other things and he got upset and run up and down the road so angry, it was so weird. The dreams doesn't make sense at all , but they are so annoying because I am unable to undorstand non of them.
So this year I was with the whole family , it felt nice to be surrounded by people over Christmass, my son had his birthday and loved when everyone sing him happy birthday. He was so happy:)
I am like a shadow at times , I am worried and anxious and I am unsure why this is happening . I feel like I am loosing at times. I just hate the thoughts of destruction, and I dodn't like to be worried but I am. I want to be able to relax , but I can't . I don't know if it is enythink to do with the environment or not. I am constantly tired and could sleep forever if I could. I wish I could be a worry free person. But I am not.

Still fighting ED and the weird thing is that I don't have to make myself sick by putting fingers in my mouth to get sick, I will go to the toilet and just be sick I would throw up without need to put fingers in. Which makes me feel good, as when I throw up I bend by the toilet and food is comming out of me. I am unable to control my eating , I will shuffle everythink what I can find eat, eat, eat, and then I hate myself for eating so much and then I cause vomiting as this is the only way to rid of the food from my stomache. I wish I could be in control , but I am not, I am so weak and this makes me upset. I wish I could be in control and it make me frustrated because I am not.