Who am I then?

I am 30 something woman who emigrated to foregin country , by clear coincidence. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a stranger, the neighbour, the owner, an employee, a  leader, a frightened individual with mind full of worry. I would love to give all that away for a moment, in exchange for a moment of calmness and peace. I do not enjoy sex as much as I did before, and I realised that I really don't have to be loved, as I don't love as much as I should and I have the unconditional love of my child and I love him dearly. I am frightened of everything, what it means - I am unsettleld, I worry  every minute of every hour of every day and avery week , or mayby not as much - there are peacful minutes there, they has to be. I am constantly tired, like I don't know how to relax, and I think about the worsed.

The GP diagnosed me with anxiety and depression , not clearly specified. But there is more to that. I have an eating disorder, not specified by doctor - thay think I have bulimia , but they never check that, so in my mind is unspecified ED. I make myself sick at least 4 times a week , althrough there are days where I make myself vomit 5 times a day, overeat at least 6 days a week it can come to 14-16 times a week. I remember some days of not eating, or not purge or binge. But no one bother to check what is actually wrong with me. I feel like I am left alone in the mud, no help around, no one bothers about me.

I am taking fluoxetine and propranolol for quiet some time now, does it help? I don't really know deep down I think it doesn't. But what I know I am not a doctor, as they think. The GP is convinced that I really suffer of depression , but I actually don't as I am not constantly sad and miserable. I am tired and worried which is more of anxiety, which I would agree I have. But there is more, I harm myself , I cut my legs, I hit myself, I smack my face, I pull my hair, and I am angry. I am so angry at times that I hate myself. I am getting furious on myself not only on people around me. It is like acting in, but there are moments of acting out as well. I will lose pacience with closest people in my life but very rearly with people I work with or I don't care about. I frighten my son by shouting at him , and then he hides behind daddy and I am not moved by it , until I realise after a couple of minutes that I scared the shit out of him ( excuse the language). I will get angry on myself for no reason it is just matter of minutes.

Forgetfulness is not to much of an issue to me, just because I think I am forgetting bad things which had happened. Amazingly I remember everything very well till I had put it right , and then I forget. Like with work if somethink bothers me , I remember it untill I speak about it with someone, and when I  will trust that the issue will be resolved, then my mind erases this. Why? I'm not sure myself, but that is annoying , on the other side it doesn't bother me much. It is frustrating as sometimes people ask me about it and I am unable to discuss it, simply because I don't remember.

Depressed - am I? Hmmm ..., I am somehow , I fell like there is part of me which is depressed. On the other hand I feel so alone and worthless, it is like differend world to me. I feel left out, not depressed as much, but even if I am depressed the sadness I feel is differend. I just can not explain , the more I think about it the more I am convined that I am not depressed , or maybe I am compleatly wrong and live in denail. It is difficult to say.

Actually I am freaking out right now , as my husband went out to see his friend , here is midnight already and he isn't home yet. I am sick worried that something might had happened to him. He has the phone on him , but I havent got the number to call him, which is very bad. I am so anxious that my heart is pounding , and my pressure is higher than it should be. I was so tired today and now I can not sleep , I have a mild head ache , because of this idiot being out there and not carying about me whatsoever. I am at home waiting for him and he is not comming back!
This really annoys me , and makes me very angry, I feel this bloody pain of uncertianity and it deives me mad. I JUST CALLED HIM ON HIS UK NUMBER AND NO ANSWER, GRRRY!
This just makes me more angry, and as I am worried about him , I want to scream at him, so irresponsible. Like a child , and he is a grown up idiot who can not think that I might be worried about him.

now another call went straight to the voice mail, where the hell is he?

And how I can cope with all that shit, the anxiety is reaching the roof, because of one dickhead who dosen't think.

I am honestly freaking out , send him a text and I am waiting for his reply.

Good night xoxo