disaster

I feel numb and so tired , I feel weak and sad , like I am not living. I again think like everyone is against me , I am becoming delusional. I am bloody scared of being here and now I want to change my job again . Though I am loving to work there, but the worse thing is that I feel like everyone is conspiring against me . That people want me to fail , that no matter how I will try there is not much I can do about it. I am physically exhausted, with headache and such an anxiety that I don't even think. How weird is that ? I don't think , my brain is just turned off I don't have thoughts in my mind, although I do work and do other stuff like I am programmed to do so. Massive, I am the kind of a person who want to please everyone. I am able to read people and the stupidest thing is that I am so bloody naive. I trust everyone and then they are taking advantage of me, and then I am hurt , and then again I meet new people and again I trust and again got hurt and again this circle is repeating. I am tired of all that I am tired of pleasing everyone, but on the other hand I love it , I love to be the best, the smartest, the cleverest and just such a quick learner. But after some time something is breaking down in my inside. I think like I have been cheated, people are taking advantage of me , they think that I am stupid and they want to harm me. I know it sounds so delusional, and I am realising that but hell I feel hurt. I feel like this is the thing which repeats itself all the time. I am king of a person who will start something but there is an issue with finishing it, even so I want that so hard. I am unable to accomplish it , like my high school I finish it but haven't done the last tests. Now with my college course I didn't feel like going to college when I had to, and now there are consequences. I might be able to finish it in January, if everything will go as expected. If not, it will be another fall and honestly not the last one.

I am currently so down that I haven't got any faith in myself, I feel so low. I am tired of being here now, so I am going to bed , good night.

xoxo