then again the pain

And again the pain so overwhelming like I can't even cry. The mind so damaged that I cannot think. My body so damaged that the muscles ache, my head so heavy from the pain. I feel like a disaster , as nothing is fine. Again disappointment , there is no trust, I am so foolish believing wrong people. I trust and then get stabbed, in my back, by those I thought were honest and truthful. But now I realise that there is no truth , no honesty, no wishing people well. 

I am broken and my heart is squashed by people who were around me for whole my life. I got disappointed so many times in my life that I can not count. I got hurt, and I didn't learn the lesson I am tired of all that. I wish I wouldn't care, I wish I wouldn't trust. I feel like an odd one in the herd, why ?

Because I feel so excluded and I rearely fit with others , on the other hand I wear my mask. I will adjust to the situation I am in , and I will act like the people around me. How weird is that?

Does anyone here feel that way? Is there another person who actually feel and see that it is depending on the environment they are in, for them to act different ways. I am smart and use really smart phrases when I need to show that I am intelligent. At work I am simple and straight, professional and honest, hardworking and helpful. At home I am myself, I think, the most. My mask is very light I only fake it in front of my husband and son , I don't want them to know how I really feel , that I might be hurt, and sad, and suffering. I will act like nothing happened, when actually I scream inside and if I only could I would tear myself to small pieces. I am screaming inside but no one hears me , I want to ask for help but I can't. How pathetic that is , but on the other hand I do survive, I survive my past so I will survive the future. I just feel so much pain, how to stop it? If I will stop it would I miss it?

God , I am so exhausted , physically and mentally and disappointed so much by everyone in the world. If I only had a courage to stop it all, I would. But I am a coward, and I am afraid, and a failier. I feel just completely numb, life is bloody hard .