so here I am

I went to see Amanda on Tuesday. This felt awkward as I entered the new room, and sat down in small couch opposite her. The ticking clock, made me anxious . I feel like I am surrounded by the quietness and ticking clocks. Amanda tried to ask me how I am , and I said I am fine, I just hate the quiet. She asked me why , because it made me uncomfortable and anxious. She asked me how I know that I am anxious, at one point, and I told her that it is a funny feeling in my stomach and it isn't fully uncomfortable- it's alright. I have sweaty and at times shaky hands with my heart pounding, short breath or feeling like I am unable to breath, at times when anxiety is overwhelming I have that feeling of a bump growing in my throat making it painful and very uncomfortable - the feeling makes me feel like I choke, and I can not stop it no matter what.

 I told her that I am a lucky person and I do achieve what I want always, she didn't quite understand what I meant and so I explained. When our pet was in urgent need of a vet and when I couldn't afford the treatment the vet offered us reduced charge. What I mean is instead of paying £800 we paid £100, and that is why we still have our pets with us, as the only other option was to put him down. Amazing , huh? The other thing was our flat I really wanted to have my own place in the world , and here I am having a council flat which was fully renovated with new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Nice right?

So Amanda said that it is actually like something there is watching over us- over my family. Which is great, if I only could sort out my head , that will be perfect. We spoke about my mother, very sensitive subject for me , I really got upset speaking about it. I had feelings of anger and sadness and frustration and self pity - when talking about my mother.

This was a second time I meet with Amanda and the second time she mentioned that I am a passionate person and I am open and honest. Which made me feel really good about myself, as no matter how bad my head is I have still somehow control over who I want to be.

I told her as well that I don't know who I want to be, and I am still confused. She told me that this isn't that it is about finding out who I am and working on it. But here is the thing I don't know who I want to be - and it is not I want to be a Marlin Monroe or Jessica Alba . It is about the boredom , that I haven't got any passion really, no hobby. It is all about how I see the future - Actually not seeing the future, as I don't know who , why, for what reason I want to be. I still have at the back of my head that I have a lovely 5 year old who needs my support and guidance3, and if I am confused in relation to my future how possibly I can guide another human being? How I can make him a passionate young person who will have a purpose in life? I am about to find out if I am able to find my way in life, which will be a great achievement.