rage and hunger

I think I am raging lately I binge a lot  more than before, and then I feel guilty and then I punish myself. I don't actually see the point in that, but I am doing it. I know it is wrong, as wrong as not eating, but actually if I wouldn't eat will be better for me, I wouldn't waste the food neither money spend on it. My son get really frightened when I shout at him, he cries, but he doesn't listen when I ask him to do something, and then my patience ends and I am like a Vulcan, I blow out with such an anger and then, I am sorry and I am ashamed and I hate it. I don't understand the way it is but I know that the feeling of anger is so overwhelming that I cannot control it at all. I know inside that my behaviour is bad , but I am unable to stop it and I know I will be regreting it shortly after. My moods are really showing off as well I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes. Which is really bad and makes me uncomfortable. I can get tired in a moment so bad that I feel like I will fall asleep standing. I can get really hyper and start doing a lot of things, or just occupy myself to keep going. I get frustrated and it makes me unhappy I would rather don't care about things so I will have peace of mind, but no, I am a challenging person . I feel like going on a diet and eating less and loosing weight is helping my confidence like everyone anyway. I just want to be more focus on my goal I want to be more determined, like you see throughout the weekend I haven't lost any weight I think it was because I binge so much and purge. I think I had gained like 2ib over 2 days. I crave chocolate, and curry. This makes me sad because I really want to achieve the goal of my weight loss and I crave and binge and eat, eat, eat. Where instead of eating I should just drink water or green tea, or anything to cheat my stomach and my cravings. I want it to stop, I want to be able to lose weight I want to be able to control my anger, I want to be patient and set an example to my little man. But I am not doing it , and this makes me very frustrated, I have to punish myself because I am not achieving the target as I want to. I need to concentrate more on the goal, try to be more patient, stop binging, eat less, exercise more. I am working today so it shouldn't be so bad as I don't like to eat at work as I got heavy and lazy, and I hate to be lazy because the time doesn't go when you are not doing anything.

 

I just need to achieve everything I thought of

BTW it is how I looked with weight 115kg    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

weight loss

The Friday , the week before last I had chat with someone on fb , it happened that it was a total hoax - the person didn't exist. No worries though I learned to be careful, but agreed with The Person to take on a diet . And guess what I am doing it , although I still binge and purge. Like today total waste of food and money as everything what went in, come out this same way. Just because I binge I feel this burning feeling in my throat, it's uncomfortable and my stomach hurts, and I feel so full and just yuck. But back to the topic , so I have lost weight, as on Friday the 10th of august I weighed 115kg I dropped down to 110kg. I am amazed and cannot fully believe it. I am more determined now the only issue is that I binge. Tomorrow I will take money for a water to work and that's it, I will try to have a breakfast which will be shredded wheat 200calories and this should keep me going, than water through the day and some energy drinks - 150 Cal, when I finish work I might have a salad which will be 300 calls -because of a mayo and croutons, this salad makes me feel really full. I hope it will work for me .

I am in the place that I am afraid that this can transform to anorexia I don't want to be anorexic, no offence to anyone, I don't want to be  this bony as the girl on the picture.

Although I want to look like this girl, very pretty and thin as I want to be, I just hope I can keep it up . I need a motivated and tips how to cheat my cravings and hunger, I honestly hate to exercise but I have somehow physical work replenishing rollers with drinks. I do housework so I actually burn some calories. I need to lose at least 50kg, that is a long way ahead of me . If anyone wants to contribute to my goal please comment with any possible tips for not eating, not craving and cheating all the hunger feelings as much as possible. I will appreciate all comments and tips on that subject. I have to lose weight and it has to be as quick as possible.

On the other hand this is still ED so nevermind if I suffer of anorexia or bulimia , right? I just want to be slim, it is consuming my mind now.