trust

I got the courage to go and talk to HR manager last week, I opened up to her and felt way better after talking to her. I didn't expect much as I know she is the kind of a person who is cold and distant towards others, not like a manager should be. Anyway I drop down everything I had in my heart and I said the deepest secrets which I don't disclose to anyone. I told her that I self harm which was really awkward to talk about, but I did. I asked to work 3 days a week only as now I work 4 days, but I need more time for myself. I have mixed bad   feelings relating to work which is really hard for me to be there, I feel intimidated and pushed around I feel like being fooled by the management all the time.
I had found out now that they aren't able to accommodate that request and I was expecting that, I kind a knew that this will be the answer. It is just pointless you can not trust no one, there is no one who you can trust because they always disappoint you. I know I cannot trust anyone at work , even when they say I can and try to be friendly at the end I feel used and worthless, hopeless annoyed because again I trusted and got disappointed and it is like closed circle, no escape.

now

I am lost, and sad, and angry and anxious and annoyed, it's raining, I'm bored and tired and sleepy and I have a heartburn and want a smoke, and light headache. I'm miserable and fed up with life and work and hating the feelings I have, and considering that, one day I possibly could rid of that mood swings, aggression and sadness makes  me feel like I will lose a part of who I am and I will miss that old me. But I want to feel happy and not worry, I want to be free of worries and stop thinking of the worst.
I just want to survive and be the best I can for my son and hubby, and have a better fulfilling life, is that too much to ask?

I will tell you the reasons why I don't trust people , why I think that most of them "normal" people are lying, cheating, bullying, manipulating, ignoring and defying chances and possibilities.

I was off from work, as you already know because of the stress they caused me at work, I actually started to cut myself because of that although I am scared of blood and wounds, and doing it. I had cut my arms and upper legs, and you know what this actually release the pain, the pain I feel inside this overwhelming pressure in my chest which stop me from thinking, breathing and living - I think I actually exist not live a life, which is sad. Anyway I was harming myself in different ways, abusing my body to relief the pressure but cutting is something you cannot explain. This gives me control, I know it's weird but I feel good while cutting. But after that seeing  those scars I hate myself, why the hell I'm doing it? I don't know it just feels right. Why now? I'm 32- almost -cutting myself, irresponsible, selfish and so wrong but there is more to that.
I hate people at work the management doesn't have people skills , they are hypocrites and arrogants with the high pay which makes me so angry. They suppose to help, but they never have the time for you, they think they make right decisions but they don't they are lucky enough to have people working for them, I think in big corporations there is nothink you can really do about it, good practice is in policies and procedures but it is just a written statement, people act differently, it is all in job training so generally speaking those are generation of people who work for the company with knowledge and behavior of someone who worked there 60 years ago it's habit which people developed. The stupid will survive becoming one of them, smart will die quickly as they will strip them from the pride they will make them feel useless and undervalued, they will throw the rocks under their feet for them to fall hard as they don't want to become their donkeys who will do everything to satisfy the boss who is wrong. In my company I was a trainee team leader, after 6 months they said Iam perfect person to help out manager of the other section to run it, stupid me believed them and accept the position  without first rethinking it. The next day I knew that I want to be back to the section I was working on before so I said to the deputy manager that I want to go back, he was unhappy with that after a few days he said he will bring me back to the role I had previously. I waited 3 months for that, still naively and foolishly believe in the good heart of the big fat bully. Then I was back, but it wasn't as before, I had less responsibilities, I have been given jobs of supervisors or general assistants, I was undervalued and start to feel less and less needed, I felt worthless, hopeless, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to help others, I didn't feel like there are any perspectives for me there. And the striking point was when I had been called for a meeting with my senior manager who informed me that he feels like I need t step down, the reasons were I'm not mature enough, I'm not genuine enough , but hold on, 3 months back I had this same meeting and he was saying totally opposite things. I was defending myself , but at the end of the days I decided that you can not win with an idiot, and so I stepped down. Foolish and naive again. I was even less appreciated still paid as a supervisor but doing crap jobs, then I got to the point that I couldn't live like that, I was hurt, I had panic attacks, I was scared to go to work, I was nauseous, my hands were sweating , anxiety reached the breaking point. I got a sick note for 2 weeks. When I came back my stupid manager done return to work for me, asking if there is any thing they can do to help me - I wanted to reduce my hours of work and be a team leader back again. It didn't happen, I had been told that if I want reduced hours I will have to be a supervisor, as there is nothing they can do because business needs require that. That's so not the truth, but anyway never mind. I had a chat with our HR manager about my sickness I have told her everything and she even didn't try to help me , she was in such denial, she was listening that was the only good thing she did for me. They are liars, peasants, irresponsible dumbasses who doesn't know nothing about life and their employees.I hate my job.

they think they know

What do they know?! People around me don't have an idea what is going on in my head and they think they are able to help. I hate that, if by any chance I share my feelings with someone I don't want pity, but assurance that they will listen and won't judge and won't say that " I understand" because they don't ! I would love to meet someone on my way who won't feel like they are the smartest, and they won't say "o come on take it easy, relax, don't worry" I think that really makes me upset. On the other hand I believe that they have my best in heart, but my mind is saying different things. I feel lost and .... so alone, and empty, because of those feelings. When people ask me how I am I will put my mask on and say I'm fine, but inside I scream from pain. How can you say to others what do you feel if you know they wouldn't be able to understand, It's better not to talk about it. It's just so hard to live with that, all those fears and emotions. Feeling like you are so insane and everyone actually knows that. I try my best to trust others, but what I have found out is that everyone will disappoint me every single time. It is so irritating and frustrating and so indescribable, like I want to scream in their face how fake they are and so plastic. I can not believe that people think they know everything, and that they are able to change your thoughts or tell you just forget it, chill out, get over it. I got angry because if I could do that I wouldn't be in that bad place I am currently, and if I could chill out I would do that, but I can't and that's my problem.

GP

I'm so angry at the doctor I have seen today! She just made me feel like my feelings and concerns are NORMAL. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she made me feel stupid and foolish. It was another doctor the 4th in the line, I couldn't book an appointment with the one I had seen a few weeks back.
I went there for my medication and ask if the Right Steps mention anything about my assessment they have done a few weeks back. I was expecting that they did send a letter to my GP stating what is wrong with me, I wanted to know if there was diagnosis for the way I feel and think.

The question I asked was "I would like to know if I have a diagnosis for the way I feel?". I need to know if it is anxiety or depression or personality disorder or all of that together or separately or if it's something different, that I didn't think of. I was hoping as well to have my medication prescribed in a higher dose, as it has not been working well for me recently.
What she told me was that all people have anxiety and it isn't a problem, as stress can cause that. Regarding my mood swings she said everyone have better and worse days. When I asked her about diagnosis she said is really hard to diagnose someone as they don't want to label anyone. All answers I got today were dismissing and unhelpful. If I am actually all good and it is just a temporary thing why on earth I felt it for the whole my life? Why now it's come to me with such an impact that I can not think about anything clearly, I forget things, I can't concentrate, I'm so sad, empty, lonely, feel like people at work are lying to me constantly, I trust no one but I tell them about all the pressure and feelings I have, I hate myself because I'm week. I harm myself , and actually find a better way than before. I am not banging my head, now I am scratching, it leaves bad marks but it lets me somehow control my urge to self harm as when I see what I have done and how bad it looks like, I think. I just wish I could find a quick solution for all my feelings to go away or at least reduce the amount of the emotions I feel.
Anyway going back to my GP, she just was terrible she made me feel like I am making myself mentally ill, as emotions and feelings I have are normal. It sucks, terribly, big time! I thought that I have to kill myself for doctors actually to see that I really need help, but then it will be too late. I am already tired of all the effort I had put into contacting GP and going through all the details of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing. Now for them to tell me that they cannot diagnose me it's pointless, and makes me so angry as they don't put enough effort in finding out for me - at least it is what I feel. They could possibly arrange appointment for me with mental health services just to have a proper assessment done by a professional who actually is experienced in the field, but no , there was no effort from GP- they are useless, incompetent, generally not trusted and very unhelpful. They don't understand and what is worst they don't want to understand, they cannot feel what you feel and for them is such a normal thing to judge you without realising how much pain they cause you. Fore more she made me feel belittle, very upset and completely disappointed.

BACK TO WORK

So I returned to work on Tuesday. I wasn't really ready to go back but I need the money, so I decided not to take an additional week off. I started at 9 and I was so anxious to come over and frightend of people being around me I felt like everyone knows why I have been off sick. I wanted to talk to my manager but she didn't really had a time- again. She said she will talk to me on Wednesday.

When I came to work on Wednesday I think that I spend the longest amount of time with her since I'm working for the company- on and off, if you add all that time it was an hour. I told her how I feel - worthless , hopeless and not appreciated. She asked me if I want to step down from supervisory position and work as an assistant , I got really angry.

I told her that I was doing fine until my senior manager told me that he feels that I should step down from a team leader position, just because he felt I'm not mature enough and I display my emotions. Daa who doesn't do that? Maybe I am over emotional but that's the way I am, although it doesn't affect my work, it doesn't affect my performance, it only may affect my interactions with colleagues, but then on the other hand I learned not to take this as a bad experience. I am more vigilant to other peoples' feelings, and I honestly deserve better than what he said to me. I tried to defend myself but without luck, so I said ok, let it be . So I become a supervisor, and then from day to day I was stripped of my pride, they have removed all my responsibilities. The only thing that was keeping me going. They make me feel undervalued and bad, I felt like this is all my bloody fault. I couldn't come to work without feeling sad and anxious, I couldn't think clearly, I thought everyone was against me and they don't want me to be there. I still feel that way. And now she is asking me if I won't be feeling better doing "nothing" job of an assistant. No !

That will be the worst scenario for me, I am ambitious and it kills me when I am just another employee, without challenges and targets to achieve. I hate the feeling that I can't do anything. I hate feeling that I am on the lowest position, I mentally can't stand the thought of not being responsible at all. I am mortify with the vision of sitting on the checkout or serving customers in the kiosk, or spend the whole day on the fast track till. I left my previous job as I thought I will grow up with that company,and I hated my previous job,  but now I feel like they are destroying me. Even with my mood swings and anxiety I was a great employee, I was performing well taking into account that they didn't show me much of the task team leader does. I learned most of them from colleagues who are with the company for longer than I am. I had an assessment for a team leader 4 months after I started to work for the company , I was successful and I become a team leader a month after the assessment. So I think that they have seen something in me, some good skills and experience.  That's why I have taken that job.

Anyway I didn't agree to step down , I asked her to write a request that I want to reduce my hours to 24 , working 3 days a week. So she did and said that now she will have to speak to the store manager and HR manager if that will suit the business needs, and she will get back to me. I really don't care what they will do now as it's not right what they did in the first place taking me off the position, I didn’t have one to one review of my performance with my manager before, so my performance wasn't really assessed. If I would have that I will probably perform well , if not they would have to offer me a coaching or more training. Those are the legal steps employer should take , right?

So it was my first time in my whole life where I took time off work because of the stress  feelings of worthlessness and anxious, empty and angry. Before I would leave my job but now I have a family, I have to think about my son, and I can not be as selfish as before.

I have never really fit in my workplace. I'm the only foreigner there in a position of a supervisor taking into account that the store employ over 500 people. I think that's a racist thing as well , because all managers and team leaders and supervisors are white British origin, actually the 90% is English and there are 3 people who were born in England but their parents are foreign . So making an honest assumption it is racism, and there are no equality and diversity in place in my opinion as well. I have, face which doesn't fit in the store, I think that they think that I am stupid, that I don't have the right capability, that I don't understand. But that's all is biased and they know that. I told my manager at the beginning that I feel alienated and singled out, she told me that I need a time to adjust. I never need to adjust before so why now? Now 1.5 years passed by and I still feel as I felt at the beginning.

So taking into account that I am ambitious, hardworking, honest, reliable and confident person in general and in my workplace I feel useless, underestimated, worthless, unsupported, single out, hurt, used, stupid and completely dumb - my workplace is hell.

It made me very depressed I felt like I was rolling down the hill with my self-esteem knocked down by the management, on top of that my mood swings become more severe. I could not recall what happened the previous day, who said what and why, I feel like my job is the place I want to forget and that’s why I really cannot remember much of my day at work. I feel such a rage at times that I want to pull my hair out, I will be self harming from the overwhelming anger, just to release the emotions. I feel numb at times and I will self harm again just to feel something. I want to scream and shout, I want to cry, I want to tell people how much I hate them , how I feel they are lying to me . How I am almost certain that they talk about me, how much I want to die because all of those feelings. And how much they are all hurting me, and that I cannot trust anyone. As always I will be disappointed, used, taken advantage of, left with nothing but sorrow. I want to cut my heart out of my chest to stop my feelings. Feeling of sadness and pity, feeling that I cannot describe, my throat closing up and having no ability to relax.

I wish I could scream all that out to people who hurt me, to people who I adored before and hate now, the ones who I trusted before and now I feel they are worst enemies.

But I can't, I phizically can not tell them how much I suffer because they won't undorstant, they will judge, they will think I’m carazy and anytysocial. But the truth is I feel like I’m dying because of them, the people around me and I heate them all so much!

My lovely son,  was  naughty and so we decided to discipline him. We wanted to put him to the naughty corner, and then he snapped. He was very upset throwing things from the sofa on the floor, and screaming that he doesn't want to go. I was watching how my hubby took him and sat him down in the naught corner. He screamed and shouted at him , hit him as well, hubby got frustrated.
This is not the normal child behavior, is it me who cause all that mess? I think so, I can not say that I don't love him, I do love him dearly. He is my biggest love and the best thing that ever happened to me. But I think he has feeling issues which he cannot describe, throwing tantrums at us.
I went there and try to talk to him, he didn't want to talk, he didn't answer my questions he was very angry  moan mmm,wrryy and so on. I told him that I love him very much and that brought his attention. Yes I thought , that's the way I want him to behave. I got his attention and I said - I know that you are sad, and I know you are tired and I love you and want all the best for you, have you seen daddy, how sad he is? - He said that he is really tired and he wants to lay down , I got some kind of a conversation from him, which is an achievement. I asked him if he knows why he is in the naughty corner , he said he doesn't, so I told him - because you were naughty, throw things from the sofa, you shouted at daddy and you hit daddy. - He said yes, so I ask him to go and apologise to daddy, he did - although my husband ignored him (!!!) and I had to mind him to give little D a cuddle. D went to bed to lie down. I said to my hubby that this is really stressful for him and that he is feeling very low and he might think that we don't love him- as he reacted with attention when I mentioned that to him.
I am so worried that my LO will have this same life as I do, I don't want that life for him. I want him to be happy and loved, I want him to understand his own feelings and why people react the way they react. I want him to know that I love him very much. I cause him pain, I can scream at him and I know this is the wrong thing but I can not control that. I feel sad because of that and he has nothing to do with who I am emotionally, and he suffers. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to scream and shout at him but the trouble is I can't control my reactions, and that is why my boy has those problems now. I am a bad mother  but I want to improve, I want to become a better mum. I want to understand myself so I can help my son and help myself with life. I am so sensitive regarding my behavior and I don't want anyone to know about those issues, but now I realise it's not only me who is affected it is my family and closes friends, and I now understand that they don't have to go through the hell I went through and that's not their fault, and that they don't have to suffer. Some of my friends left and I have never seen them since, but my son doesn't have a choice I'm his mum and he needs me. He doesn't want that angry, abusive, harsh outer me he needs a calm, supportive, reliable and caring mum, who will guide him him through the life. I wish I had someone good in my life.

When I was 15 I had my first intercourse with the man who was 30 years older than me, he was my friend's uncle. The girl lived in the village and was studying in the city I lived in. My mother knew her parents some how, and on the school exams I met her , and we decided that we could give her a bed in my room and she could live with us. So she did, and we were going back and forth between her village and city. One day her uncle come to visit, and offered to take us to the night club. So we were pretty excited to go, we weren’t able to buy any alcoholic drinks but we were able to enter and have a nice time dancing. When we arrived there (around 20 minutes by car) he asks me to stay in the car and the girls to go and have fun, and when we all questioned him he said he needed to talk to me. So they agree to go, and I assure them that I will be fine. That was the worst decision, he said it’s my choice, or I will have sex with him or he will leave us there and we will have to come home on our own. So after contemplation and discussing situation with him, I agree to have sex with him , but I didn’t have any other choice. That was the worst thing ever , I felt dirty, ashamed and so so bad. I have met with him a few more times, as he would say that he will tell everyone, taking into consideration that I didn’t want anyone to know I would do whatever he wanted me to do. But one day I just said enough, and so he went and told people that he had sex with me including that girl's father. So her father called me names, he said I am a whore and so on. I had to leave their house with the next bus, so I did. Later on I went to the library to check what can I do to protect myself from that whole situation, I find out that I can sue him, but I thought I will keep it safe just in case if anything will happen. This girl still lived with me for a couple months, and we barely spoke to each other. One day, some time after the incident her mother comes over to visit and it was me and her only and so she told me that her brother's wife want’s (the girl uncle)to come over to my parents and tell them the whole situation. I was scared and said that if she would do that her husband will go to prison and so I have never heard from him or her since then.

06/04/2012

I thought I will have a really good day today. I woke up happy and full of energy. I started to clean up, doing laundry, washing up and so on. I even bake some pastry with jam, which weren't really nice, but still  spend nice time with my son doing them. Anyway they went to the bin :( But I did enjoy doing them.
 And then came this bad panic attack, the worst I had in weeks taking into account that I'm on propranolol which suppose to help me with anxiety. It didn't work the way it should, I felt like I'm having a heart attack. I was sweating, having shortness of breath, felt confused, and frightened by the whole situation. Couldn't think of anything to relax, so went to bed for a nap. Now I feel nauseous, and uncomfortable. Just tired, and I don't know why, there was nothing to trigger that at all. Oh well I hope tomorrow will be a better day .

CBT

I got a call at evening today from Right Steps , I have been put on the waiting list for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I don't know how I feel about it, I hope it will work for me and from what I read, just now, its quiet challenging and has a good rating helping people learn how to manage their feelings. I ask how long I will wait for the therapy and find out that it will take up to 16 weeks , sigh. Never mind I waited that long so now it will be much easier as I know it has been put through.

I feel so empty I thought before if they will put me for therapy I will be so exited. I am not, now I want to read what this all CBT is about.

New GP

So today I went to see GP again , that was a new doctor very young, but sounds ok. I asked her firs of all if she is staying with the surgery as I'm just so unlucky to find a permanent doctor. She said she doesn't know, although she is staying for at least a few months. So I said fine. I told her some parts of my life and she was  looking as she was listening, like  really listening. I liked that. Then she prescribed me new medication additionally to fluoxetine. For my anxiety. I am getting anxious every morning and every other day is worse than the previous day. So I got propranolol 40mg 3 times a day. I hope it will work for me. I know she won't stay with that surgery I can feel that in my bones. I have to prepare myself for the break up, she mentioned that she is a trainee there and I understand that " I'm here to gain an experience, then I'm off to other practice". I just hope I will handle this alright.Work, I feel really sad that I have to go back to work, I need to have a job, I need distraction and work was always helping me. This time my work gives me heart palpitations, constant worry, make me sad, unwelcome, single out, worthless. I need another job, but I don't know why I stopped looking for one. Maybe the case is that I'm going away in May for a wedding, and my subconsciousness is telling me that there is no point looking for a job now as they won't employ me because of those holidays booked. Or maybe I am too depressed to look for the job, or my overwhelming emotions distract me too much. Anyway today will be job search day, I have to do it and maybe finally someone will reply. Wish me luck

I wanted to read what I wrote on my blog. But decided not to, as if I wouldn't like something I will delete it. If I do that I will cheat myself, and I don't want to do that.
Why I would do that? Because my life is bad I feel humiliated by all the things I am doing with my life and my body. I feel embarrassed and ashamed . I read my blog description and it is hard to read it. Anyway I will leave it as it is.
 Today wasn't a really good day I struggled, I wasn't able to cry I don't know why? I felt full of emptiness and just wanted to cry it all out and I couldn't. So, as much as I didn't want to I self harmed again. It felt good. The overwhelming emotions disappeared for a while which made me feel way better than before. Exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to have a nap today that was the first thing in my mind after I woke up, although I didn’t lay down. I had so many things to do – now it feels like there was nothing really to stop me – I read some blogs and tidy up a bit. I feel exhausted and lonely, I crave chocolate. That's such a good idea – chocolate.
 Today I was looking at myself when self harming and my face didn’t change a bit, just a grim of pain and tears in my eyes.


 I looked myself in the eyes and wanted to stop but I couldn’t, I called myself names – in my mind it is a male voice who tell me what he wants – that's my master and I am his beach. He will make me beat up and abuse myself, whenever I am happy or sad. He will tell me how to tight myself or what clothes to put on, he will tell me how hard I should squeeze my nipples, and how hard to masturbate, and with what. The voice will tell me what he wants me to do, and as I am his slave I will do it, through the tears. So at the end he will – sometimes – mention that I am good. I don’t always masturbate but that’s the part of my self harm ritual. I have punched my face and head, I thought that I will have a fat lip, luckily for me I didn’t. That’s alright then no signs visible.
 Time to go and eat something – hmmmm chocolate
 

Madness in my head , thoughts racing and I feel lost.

I try the 3rd time to write, I try to concentrate and make sense of my thoughts. Just to write how I feel and I don't know what to write. I'm sad and empty inside, I think about my son and hubby. I just had a thought that something will fell of the air, hit me and I will die, crazy. I had similar thoughts earlier, when I went shopping. On my way to the bus stop I thought that my boys are at home. I thought what will happened if they will die, when I'm away. What will I do? I will blame myself for living them and not taking them with me. I don't have idea from where those thoughts are coming from its justweird.

I dont understand my feelings, moods, preferences. I am sadistic,  I know music will cause me a kind of a  distress I will still listen to the songs which make me feel hurt. I will watch movies which will affect me.
I feel bad, I am fat and I ugly.
I want to stop feeling but I can't !
I want to scream !
I see my self shouting and braking things !
I mess my hair, I want to cry but there is no tears.

Do I live ? I feel like I exist but I don't live a life, which I want to live.
I love my boys XOXO

It hurts

Did you ever feel like killing someone? Just a random person, outside, on the road, the one you don't know without any feelings at all. I wonder sometimes why my thinking is mad like that? Why I think that , if other people think about those things. If they do think like that, did they have some terrible experience in their life before.


 What if I don't have a personality disorder and I'm  just looking to fill some emotional gap. 


I have been beaten up so many times in my life, by my mother and father, and grandfather. I feel pain when thinking about it, I feel angry and sad, I know that it left some emotional scars, while body healed from the purple marks and broken skin. I do abuse, especially those who are closest to me, those who I love the most. I will feel rage and that's only feeling I have, I don't think at a time what harm I can cause. After that I will realise that I hurt someone and be genuinely sorry, I would feel bad and be very angry with myself for doing that. I will abuse anyone who I scent is weak I will shout, scream, swear, hit, slap, smack, shake. I am angry with myself because of that and for many other reasons as well, I can harm myself because something went wrong at work, because the bus was late, I got the job, I left the job, I am going for an interview, I had an interview, I was late to work, I didn't get what I wanted and so on. I might cry from the pain and still hurt myself, I can hit myself with the fists in the head or with anything else available, covering my face with any type of fabric so it won't leave visible marks or if it will they will be less visible . I will hurt my breast and nipples, just to feel a physical pain for the  emotions to go away, I will insert objects into my vagina but I rarely masturbate. So leaving myself kind an unsatisfied, but satisfied on the other hand, with pain. I can plan what I do days before. I will harm myself only when I am alone at home. The only thing I am afraid of is that someone could come and I won't be able to answer the door. This kind a freaks me out at times as we live in a flat and you can hear people walking around in the communal area.

 But going back to my thoughts of killing, they are rare, spontaneous, and not really that persistent but I have them. I can clearly picture myself having a gun and shoot people. I know that I wouldn't really go out there and do it. I know I am too scared to take a life. But strangely I think about it anyway.

I was feeling really sad and anxious today, we went to London, it was alright. The city is always busy and it makes me quite angry when I have to go there. We quickly dealt with things today, had lunch at McDonalds and come back home. My hubby mentioned that I haven’t talked much recently, indeed I want to say something but I just feel bloody powerless. Like I try to make an effort to talk and there is nothing coming out of my mouth. I have gone shopping, I wanted to buy a dress for a wedding in May. I went to one of the stores and there was no dresses in my size at all. So angry at myself I was going to buy some groceries and went to BHS and found a dress! Really pretty dress in dusty pink. It’s ideal it slim me visually, which is great. This made me feel positive today, but people are making me so angry, I feel like pulling my hair out and scream. I feel tired and unhappy, I think sometimes that I don’t live it’s like I’m in a fishbowl – isolated from outside life. People on the streets makes me agitated and frustrated, they rush, the children are not well behaved, parents not taking a responsibilities for their children. Just so frustrating.

DOG

Went to bed late last night it was 2am, woke up in the morning 8.30 was all ok , now I feel anxious. For some reason I am worried my head feels heavy, I feel disturbed, and think about my past.

For some reason I always had dogs around me even steal a puppy as a child, called him K9 but after few weeks owner find out where his pet was and came over to claim him back with the puppy's mother. Obviously I was sad, I loved this dog, I remember watching the whole situation from the balcony when they were taking him away and thinking that they have more than one dog why they want him back? I had for most of my life one dog, great guard and a friend, through my childhood he was my friend, I cannot recall people around me but I remember all about pets. I had many of different pets around mice, hamsters, parrots, cats, turtle, rats, wild birds, hedgehogs, and obviously dogs. When I was 17 my very best friend give me a dog for my birthday and I could choose him from the puppies her bitch had , and so I did. I choose the gingerly dog of them all, he was so cute, and I didn't care if my mother didn't allow me to have another dog. I bring him home and kept him in my room as he was very small, I make him a bed and give him plush toys to keep him company at night. And so he stayed with me. He was my best friend from the first day - feeling sad when thinking about it now , sigh - I took him everywhere I went, if it was meeting with friends in the pub, or in the park or going to motorcyclist gathering - he was there with me. I take him to my boyfriends house, he was a passenger with me when riding a motorbike with friends. He was my baby, my friend, my lovely little dog who everyone adored - I'm crying I miss him so much. When I was 25 he had gone missing, that’s what happened. I have moved with my boyfriend and dog stayed at my parents house, one day when my brother's friend  comes along, my dog runs away through the gate and have never been seen since then. I cried so much and blame myself for leaving him behind, he was there for me always no matter what and I abandoned him because of my selfishness, I looked for him around the block and beyond, I went to pound so many times to see if someone brings him over, but I never found him again.

This still hurts me so much thinking of him, the thought that he could still be with me if I didn't move from my parents house and leave him behind. From that moment I didn't find any other pet that I would love as much. I have a ferret currently, he is just perfect as I was looking for him over a year, he looks like Siamese cat with dark paws and a tale and sand coloured body. Love him dearly but not as much, still thinking about my pet dog lovely guy who was there for me no matter what, listen to me whenever I need to talk, keep me company in my worst and loved me just the way I was. Miss you little pal ..... I just hope you are happy wherever you are...... Still loves you loads !