BACK TO WORK

So I returned to work on Tuesday. I wasn't really ready to go back but I need the money, so I decided not to take an additional week off. I started at 9 and I was so anxious to come over and frightend of people being around me I felt like everyone knows why I have been off sick. I wanted to talk to my manager but she didn't really had a time- again. She said she will talk to me on Wednesday.

When I came to work on Wednesday I think that I spend the longest amount of time with her since I'm working for the company- on and off, if you add all that time it was an hour. I told her how I feel - worthless , hopeless and not appreciated. She asked me if I want to step down from supervisory position and work as an assistant , I got really angry.

I told her that I was doing fine until my senior manager told me that he feels that I should step down from a team leader position, just because he felt I'm not mature enough and I display my emotions. Daa who doesn't do that? Maybe I am over emotional but that's the way I am, although it doesn't affect my work, it doesn't affect my performance, it only may affect my interactions with colleagues, but then on the other hand I learned not to take this as a bad experience. I am more vigilant to other peoples' feelings, and I honestly deserve better than what he said to me. I tried to defend myself but without luck, so I said ok, let it be . So I become a supervisor, and then from day to day I was stripped of my pride, they have removed all my responsibilities. The only thing that was keeping me going. They make me feel undervalued and bad, I felt like this is all my bloody fault. I couldn't come to work without feeling sad and anxious, I couldn't think clearly, I thought everyone was against me and they don't want me to be there. I still feel that way. And now she is asking me if I won't be feeling better doing "nothing" job of an assistant. No !

That will be the worst scenario for me, I am ambitious and it kills me when I am just another employee, without challenges and targets to achieve. I hate the feeling that I can't do anything. I hate feeling that I am on the lowest position, I mentally can't stand the thought of not being responsible at all. I am mortify with the vision of sitting on the checkout or serving customers in the kiosk, or spend the whole day on the fast track till. I left my previous job as I thought I will grow up with that company,and I hated my previous job,  but now I feel like they are destroying me. Even with my mood swings and anxiety I was a great employee, I was performing well taking into account that they didn't show me much of the task team leader does. I learned most of them from colleagues who are with the company for longer than I am. I had an assessment for a team leader 4 months after I started to work for the company , I was successful and I become a team leader a month after the assessment. So I think that they have seen something in me, some good skills and experience.  That's why I have taken that job.

Anyway I didn't agree to step down , I asked her to write a request that I want to reduce my hours to 24 , working 3 days a week. So she did and said that now she will have to speak to the store manager and HR manager if that will suit the business needs, and she will get back to me. I really don't care what they will do now as it's not right what they did in the first place taking me off the position, I didn’t have one to one review of my performance with my manager before, so my performance wasn't really assessed. If I would have that I will probably perform well , if not they would have to offer me a coaching or more training. Those are the legal steps employer should take , right?

So it was my first time in my whole life where I took time off work because of the stress  feelings of worthlessness and anxious, empty and angry. Before I would leave my job but now I have a family, I have to think about my son, and I can not be as selfish as before.

I have never really fit in my workplace. I'm the only foreigner there in a position of a supervisor taking into account that the store employ over 500 people. I think that's a racist thing as well , because all managers and team leaders and supervisors are white British origin, actually the 90% is English and there are 3 people who were born in England but their parents are foreign . So making an honest assumption it is racism, and there are no equality and diversity in place in my opinion as well. I have, face which doesn't fit in the store, I think that they think that I am stupid, that I don't have the right capability, that I don't understand. But that's all is biased and they know that. I told my manager at the beginning that I feel alienated and singled out, she told me that I need a time to adjust. I never need to adjust before so why now? Now 1.5 years passed by and I still feel as I felt at the beginning.

So taking into account that I am ambitious, hardworking, honest, reliable and confident person in general and in my workplace I feel useless, underestimated, worthless, unsupported, single out, hurt, used, stupid and completely dumb - my workplace is hell.

It made me very depressed I felt like I was rolling down the hill with my self-esteem knocked down by the management, on top of that my mood swings become more severe. I could not recall what happened the previous day, who said what and why, I feel like my job is the place I want to forget and that’s why I really cannot remember much of my day at work. I feel such a rage at times that I want to pull my hair out, I will be self harming from the overwhelming anger, just to release the emotions. I feel numb at times and I will self harm again just to feel something. I want to scream and shout, I want to cry, I want to tell people how much I hate them , how I feel they are lying to me . How I am almost certain that they talk about me, how much I want to die because all of those feelings. And how much they are all hurting me, and that I cannot trust anyone. As always I will be disappointed, used, taken advantage of, left with nothing but sorrow. I want to cut my heart out of my chest to stop my feelings. Feeling of sadness and pity, feeling that I cannot describe, my throat closing up and having no ability to relax.

I wish I could scream all that out to people who hurt me, to people who I adored before and hate now, the ones who I trusted before and now I feel they are worst enemies.

But I can't, I phizically can not tell them how much I suffer because they won't undorstant, they will judge, they will think I’m carazy and anytysocial. But the truth is I feel like I’m dying because of them, the people around me and I heate them all so much!