just the thoughts

So now I know that I have BPD , diagnosed in 2013, and possibly bipolar. Today I thought like I am more depressed again, having thoughts of harming myself, though I haven't done it so far( for maybe 2 months now). I eat chocolate like a bread, although I think of keeping healthy. But for some reason I am not doing it. About mood diary I think I will start from today. I want to exercise but I am not strong enough to do it. I am waiting for my energy to kick off full power so then I can do things , it will be the good breaking point. As if it kicks off then I can start doing things and I know that even if I become low I can still carry on for some reason. But I can not start , I am unable to, if I am low and no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work for me. I will try some diet only fruit and veg, and I hope I will be able to do it. This starts from tomorrow. I know I am postponing that and I shouldn't but hopefully this will give me the opportunity to prepare some food for a few days ahead. I hope this will work this time. Even taking into consideration the weather right now , it's dark , rainy , miserable, no sun at all, this do affect me, probably, but not as much as before. I still feel like sleeping a lot, but I am able to pull myself and cook dinner, feed pets and tidy up. Which is great turn around , so I'm not only sitting eating and watching tv. My life is very boring and dull , like I have no interests at all , besides watching animal planet and discovery science. I like to know things and actually I realised I  will be great working with animals. That will be lovely thing. But I would want to have it connected with some admin job, like a receptionist in vet surgery. That will be so nice. Well let see how the life will go for me. I hope only for better things to happened now.

xoxo

And here it goes

I had returned to work yesterday after 5 weeks of not being there I felt a bit stressed out the day before. Surprisingly woke up  yesterday morning and felt so energetic. Done my make up , dressed , took David to school and went to work. It was a very calm day like there was nobody which make me upset or agitated. It was nice , with one exception. As I came in gone to the office sat by my desk, I have been asked to leave. Ok, I thought I have the logins and passwords and I can use store manager office to do some work. Surprise  log ins had changed during my absence as well as passwords. So I haven't done any work until about 12pm!

Then I asked Riki what shell I do? She said to set the wall with the sign, so for the 2 remaining work hours I set up the wall with nicely cut out letters .

The day gone passed quickly. And then I started to concentrate on my mood and behavior through the day.

When I woke up I couldn't get up of the bed and then when I get out of the bed I hit energy spark. I was moving quickly, had a shower, help my son to dress up to school, made him breakfast, dry and modeled my hair, packed his lunch , done my make up , feed the ferret and a cat, dress myself and still had a bit of time left before the school run. When going to school I felt like my nerves in my legs are kind a tense but it was not because of stress I felt the urgency to run , so I walked quickly almost keeping up with David riding his scooter.
Looking back the day before I had similar energy spark, on saturday and sunday I had the urgency to spend moneyso we went shopping. Though I have my fridge set with food for another 3 -4 weeks! I was smoking more through those days and ate less than usual . Then yesterday I kind a binged on food again. And for breakfast today I had a strawberry bon bons ! Daaa , and I actually was considering a healthy food like a porridge with seeds and honey.

So, I am going up and down with my moods, and problem I have is that I do not recognise it myself. Sometimes something normal and regular in my point of view is too high and considered to be a hypomanic episode. Well at the moment I am on CITALOPRAM, and it doesn't really have much of side effects on me which I think is pretty good. Though I read that ppl who suffer of bipolar and take SSRI med become more manic. It doesn't happening to me. Or I might not realise that.

I should write it all down, keep a mood diary!

xoxo

And what to do?

So I had seen my psychiatrist who actually broke up our relationship as she was taking another job in other hospital. She said that Amanda (ex psychotherapist) and her had spoken about me recently , and that they got into conclusion that I actually might have Bipolar.

Well that was a bit of surprise, and yes now I see the light and why they say that. Though she didn't put her diagnosis  she said it is worth to try Lithium or Depakote. She promised to send a letter to my GP and advise him further what to do. So I received my letter without the page where she had said what steps to take and what dosage to prescribe. Well , my GP did not receive this letter and so he couldn't give me any advice on that. Surprisingly when I returned to see him after 2 weeks he had the letter and said that he is not able to carry on or even start me on depakote. Then with lithium I have to be stable on medication so they could carry it over from psychiatrist.


Loads of misinterpretation, not knowing or other shit is going on with thw bloody NHS, Doctors are not capable of doing anything, one is saying one thing and the other is saying other thing, that makes me hate them and what is worse it makes me more and more frustrated. Like now I had 4 weeks off because I have been depressed and how can I get better if I have idiots dealing with my health. GRRRYYY

So any way nothing will happened until 18 November as this is the day I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We will see what she will say.

Going back to bipolar I realised that I haven't got much of manic episodes. Now when I stayed at home for the first 2.5 week I felt very week and tired and sleepy and then I had like 3 - 4 days doing stuff, smiling ,giggling, waking up at night and play computer games , cleaning  and then I thought I'm cured my depression is gone . And then relapsed again but not as severe as before , now I feel kind of steady but I know that this depression hasn't gone yet.

So what should I do?

I am about to change my surgery as the one I am with now is shitty one with terrible patient service. Well I hope that it will be a good choice, at least I might be able to book an appointment with this same GP!

Well that's it for now XOXO

CONFUSED ME ....( THE POST WHICH i HAVEN'T POSTED)

  I had seen my psychiatrist on friday , she is so scary. I mean I am frightened when talking to her , she realised that and asked me why. So I said because she is psychiatrist and because I have to tell her my secrets and because I don't know her, and I didn't said that, but she is the doctor for the crazy ppl.

  I know she is there to help me, but still this is horrifying for me, as I got to terms when I am scared of myself , coz I know I am "normal" - for other ppl this means crazy. I don't undorstand normal , I would rather say that other ppl are ordinary and I am the one with "extra " at the front of ordinary. Any ways I am scared coz I can not fully control myself, my actions are out of order at times, and I feel so frightened after the suicidal thoughts passed by. I think then what would happened if I will acctually commit suicide , what will happened to my son , he will be without his mum . Then my husband how he will cope with my death. That's bloody scary , but I got to this point after I pull myself away from my sick thoughts. Then I think how sad and pathetic that is , and why do I even consider to overdose , rip my veins out or hung myself.

Then I know that I need more help and that being extraordinary is a har work everyday of every week of every month. They are days like those past two weeks when I feel capable , energised , motivated , steady. But then I know that those dark heavy clouds will gather up one day above me , and then I will be in this sad pathetic state again, which I hate .

Well the psychiatrist thinks that I will be better off with the DBT as my theraphy doesn't help me much. Well that made me feel sad and in some way offended , because I love Amanda . She maybe doesn't help me much to stop, binging and self harming , but I know she is there for me every week. I know I can talk to her about everythink what bothers me , and hurt me and about the feelings which acompany me through the day. I know that I need her.

We started to talk about my mother , and I started to realise that there were so many hidden memories which just started to comming up. It is worrying that I realised that I never been cuddled or hugged, never my mother or father told me they loved me. Like at the moment I feel like I had never been loved. I think having sex with anyone made me feel loved , important, and needed.

THINGS

I haven't been here for a while and a bit has changed. Meaning, I got the HR role in my place of work , which I thought will be an excellent challenge and experience for me. Though how sad and disappointed I am now. The thing with that is that I haven't been trained to do the job , and I am now 6 weeks in the job. My current role is payroll entry and printing holidays for colleagues. I am fed up , feeling more anxious from day to day . I feel like I don't want to go to work , like I want to stay in bed forever. Though when I go out and reach the workplace then I am kind a settled. I hate not to be able to deal with something , and to be honest if I wont be nosy and curious I wouldn't definitely know more than half of the things I know now. Annoying.
#
I even thought to go off sick as I just get so frustrated and hurt because of that , I don't know if they are people who understand what I am going through right now. I don't know if it is just me or not. Well I am feeling low lately I think some kind of depressive mood s taking over.

I don't see my therapist for a while now , I miss her a bit as she was the one I could open up to without making myself feel guilty. I had someone to talk to , which now I haven't got anyone.
I still struggle at night with those weird attacks where I can not breath. The doctor  doesn't know what is actually wrong with me, they decided to refer me to the respiratory specialist, but still they are 90% sure that those attacks are not a respiratory problems, but kind a rough panic attacks.

Fed up.

I just feel like nothing is going right , I haven't got money . We are in such debit at the moment that I don't even want to think about it. I am strongly disappointed with my job, I am fatter than I was last time. I am bigger 2 sizes. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My head hurts and I feel so tired , it is all because of the junk food I am fed on. The job which doesn't give me any satisfaction, and struggle with money. Adding to that the fat tum, double chin, bloody night attacks, and the overwhelming sadness. I just want to hide in the small hiding hole, where no one and nothing could find me.

xoxo

Randoms, who am I ?

It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you  are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't  have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan.  Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I  think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled.  Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.

Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.

Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.

Thought life.

Xoxo

Liars

I feel so dump, for trusting people .
The only person not a professional and not my husband who I did trust the most betrayed me, again!

There was the time I needed to sort things out at work , and he came across as a trustworthy person , who is able to understand what I am going through. I give him all the details about my health for him to be able to understand, and now I feel like a foul. Just because today he said something completely different the we discussed before. It was about the bonus we receive yearly at work , I didn't get it. Though 3 weeks back he said I will get it , and that I should spend those money to go away and relax , and now he tries to tell me that it wasn't the case. Liar , that is the only word stuck in my head from the moment I spoke to him today.

Now I am in the position where I hate that I trusted him , it is not about the bonus anymore , it is about the trust I put in him. I don't give a daim for the bonus, I don't fucking care, I am pissed off because he lied , I don't want his fucking pity. I will survive and get stronger from day to day.

Just because he said he have to think what to do about this bonus, I thought what the hell? Then I said that he told me that I will get it, what a naive idiot am I , he said he have to have time to reflect on it. What the fuck to reflect on , he could say , sorry I have done mistake , I told you you will get it but I haven't put this through the system, I will think if we can do something about it. I will understand and I wouldn't call him a liar, but in the way he spoke to me and the way he dealt with things makes me so angry, not only at him but myself,

I feel so disappointed and so tired of liars. I feel like I want to harm myself as my soul hurts again!

I feel exhausted, and I hate, and I am so disappointed.

Don't trust anyone, as there is no one in the world that want to genuinely help you

I still don't learn from my mistakes.

xoxo

tough time

I am tired of people , tired of all that crap they say and do. Why? I again had been in a situation which made me feel worthless and hopeless without ability to understand what have been going on. As I came to work on Wednesday last week I had seen that my name have been removed from supervisor schedule, it was frightening and immediately made me feel anxious to a state I didn't want to be at work. I had seen my manager but he looked occupied so I decided not to disturb him , and just  wait until he will come  over and talk to me about it. Though this didn't happened , well long story short, he said that I am doing mistakes and forget things, and it will be best FOR ME to be on the till for 2 WEEKS !!! I felt like this is punishment for my incompetence as a person in charge , where actually it wasn't.

A couple of days earlier I had a conversation with my store manager and he asked me what he can do to help me go through the tough time. I said I don't really know, I was confused and not in the state to really decide. Then on Wednesday it was him who actually made the decision for me, which I would understand , as we had this talk , beside he knows everything about me and the difficulties I am currently experiencing.

My department manager is a piece of shit, he is the worthless person ever who doesn't know how to work with people is very unprofessional and dumb. Yes those are the words I can describe this person with.

He hurt me so much that the next day I was really suicidal, I called Mind and the hospital with which I am outpatient and talked to a social worker on duty who actually helped me to go through the tough period of time. I hate that it makes me feel weak and I hate to feel weak. One idiot can screw your life completely.
It makes some sense.

He have very visible behaviours like my mother, this brings the mother memory back to me , her being really hurtful and nasty that is how I perceive him.
I feel better now, I hope I won't get in to such a state any time soon.

xoxo

panic attacs

   
       

My panic attacks get worse recently and I am in that position when I am fed up with everything around. I just want to sleep. I found myself in the mood where I think of cutting my veins out just for the sake of being relieved. I feel like I choke with the air I breath I am unable to control my panic and this makes me feel worse every time I have the attack .
 Currently I am so fed up that I don't want to bother with anything. I struggle to keep up with my daily routine and additionally I realised that my husband isn't sleeping well due to my attacks, he is awake every time I am having one. And is still awake when I finally go to bed , which sometimes is an hour or two from the time I woken up. He doesn't want to worry me I think that's why he stays in bed and I think he still thinks that I don't know that he is awake. But when I do go to bed he asks me if my attack had passed , so obviously he is not asleep. Then when I ask him why he is awake, he wont reply to me , sometimes. Well now it doesn't affect only me but people closest to me , like my husband . I hate that feeling. I feel again like it might be better without me , so no one will worry. I will be in peace and their life's could be better. I worry what will happened if my son face the situation , when I will have the attack and then if I will loose consciousness , what he will do , how it will affect him, how this situation will affect me ? So many unanswered questions in my head.

 This is so difficult and sad, as how my 6 yer old can cope with the picture of his mum loosing control, collapsing and not responding ? What affect it will have on his future, will he be afraid all the time, will he cope with this better than I think? I am so scared, like I had never been before. Maybe I should ask my husband to live his job and then he can be with me all the time and then I might feel less anxious , but on the other hand we need the money he is earning to survive. So many questions, like I physically have difficulty to deal with it and think about it puts e in so much emotional pain. I feel again my heart pounding, and I feel like again I am detached from reality around me . I didn't know that detachment is part of anxiety and it is actually a panic attack. I find it out recently as last week my therapist told me that I had panic attacks before I started the therapy. I wasn't sure what she meant so I have done my research and find out that feeling detached , week , weird in sense of being are all panic attacks. So yes I did have them before I started the therapy.

I need a BRAKE , I feel so tired, I feel emotionally exhausted and physically weak.

xoxo

that's me

    Well, I haven't had a full night sleep for ages, because my panic attacks. Tonight I slept so well I did not woke up with attack , and it feels good , feels so ordinary. I feel at ease although still thinking about binging , I have bad cravings and then I eat massive amout of foods , differend foods , as much as my stomach can fill in with , and then I purge. That is how I feel. Before even I will take the first bite I already know that at the end I will purge it out the drain. Why? I dont know , I can not explain that bizzare behaviour. I gained so much weight and I am so upset about it, but I can't control those binges I just eat everythink I will find and then I have to throw up. I feel bad about it , as I havent got money to spend on the food which go down the drain. Making it easier for me will be a king of anorexic turn, this will definately make my life easier, but I am unable to control myself as the anorexic girs do. I am amused by they power over the food and I would love to be as powerful as they are, but unfortunately I am weak. I can not be in control of my food urges, how bad is that ? I know that what I do is bad for me , but I still do it, I undorstand that this have an effects on my health but I still do it , as well as the money spend on food can be spend on somethink else , but no I spend it on the food , which again I stress - is going down the drain! Stupid !

I feel like I need to control it but I cant , I wish I will be more strict with myself , but I am not. I dont pity myself, even if that sounds like it. I am just angry that I loose control. The control I don't have any way.

On the other hand I dont selfharm by cutting, which means I find other ways of harming , which here includes bingeing and purging. So it is the old story , making myself suffer , for some unknown reason. Sometimes I think of cutting, but currently I just think , I don't act which is good , this feels a bit like in control. Like cheatting myself but still it is a kind of a solution for me, right?

I feel calmer and my mind is more clear than before, although I got dizzy very often, like my world is spinning and the picture is weirdly moving, the kind of a wayve motion. Then stops and goes back to normal. Though I know for a fact that it is strange and not quiet normal , but then I just got off the fluoxetine and they give me olazepine, but due to side effects I had stop taking it. I just take propranolol for my anxiety. I suppose to stop it as well, and stay on olazepine but I just can not bare the side effects. I know I should consult my doctor , but she said that I have to carry on with olazepine because it was prescribed by psychiatrist. Well that means that I discontinue it myself, besides the psych said that if those tablets make me gain weight and if I will feel like it's affecting my mood and if it will bother me too much then to stop taking it. Which I did.

Now I have to work on loosing weight again, I want to sign up for a gym a bit later and I bought a bicycle, so I can ride it to work. O and I take orlistat for a weight loss , as I just get so frustrate of the fact I am so fat.

So main focus now is on loosing weight

xoxo

pain

It's 2.30am , and I feel very low, just because I feel like I missed so much in my life. Now I know what's wrong with me and what steps I should take to make it better. But now I am 32 years old and that's my problem , I feel old and like I can not do so many things. I feel down because I gained those bloody 10kg , grrryyyy, but the hell I still overeat, so why I moan?!

I moan because I gained weight and I feel so low , and I feel sad, and I comforting myself eating, and it is the bloody circle which has no end , right? As this will repeat again and again , like a bloddy pattern.

I think about my grandparents, they died , and I feel so sad , they died years ago. But now I remember visiting them , and it is nice sunny weather. The grass is green , the trees have lovely green leves, it's sunny and so peaceful. I haven't cried for a long time , and I have tears in my eyes now. I feel heavy in my cheast and so sad, I miss that time , I want to go back , I feel like I want to be this little girl back again. I feel like then I was happy , worry free. My heart hurts and tears drop from my chicks. It feels weird, I don't understand why this is happening. I am getting concious now,split minustes, and I feel better. Although still sad but better.

I woke up to another panic attack , which is so dreadful. I feellike now I am taking control over it , not fully but I am trying to distract myself , so then the attack last way shorter then they did before.

I think about my nan again, and it just makes me more sad and brings those childhood memories. And I feel like I don't want to think ABOUT IT . So good night, till the next time.

xoxo

please help with weight loss!

Hello,

I don't know what to say , I had been thinking to writ some post for ages but never actually did it as my head was completly empty. I think due to my medication changes I had been more of a stranger to myself than I had ever been before.

I am currently stopping fluoxetine, which on one hand is good as I never thought that this medication helped me in any way. Now though, I feel like I need it , such a coincidence, I suppose to stop the propranolol as well , and started olazepine 2.5mg for my panic attacks which doesn't help.

I was taking olazepine for the past 2 weeks , and I feel like dying , why ? Because I gained so much weight! I mean 7kg !!! I want to tear my hair off , and want to scream , and eat more and I am so angry that I get all the bloody side effects, but the med doesn't work as it should. My panic attacs are more recent then before , for them now there is backing off. I started to cary on with propranolol , I hope it would help, as I am genuinly fed up with the way my life goes at the moment.

I am signed off work for a week and I might take additional week just to try and sort myself out, I don't feel well at all , I am tired , frustrated, eating like a food monster. I want to loose weight again!!!
7 kg can you imagine ?!

 I WOULD WELCOME TIPS AND ADVISE HOW TO STOP EATING PLEASE I AM VERY DESPERATE AND VERY ANGRY AND SAD. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I have often panic attacs , they are 3- 4 times a day and olazepine isn't helping, the only thing it did was to make me gain weight :( So I decided to stop it , as my belly is bigger than my boobs at the moment, I have difficulty moving, I am tired , constantly hungry, feeling sick because of so much food in my stomache. Grrrrrr ! I am so angry that I couldn't manage it better.

I think of selling something on ebay , I actually thought about make up , like CK , LOREAL, MAC, BENEFIT and all those known brands. Well I want to see how well I will be able to manage it. Then I will have a bit of satisfaction - maybe.

I purchased a bike, nice , new, purply - pink, and I havent ride it yet. Well I actually bought it for work and small grocery shopping. Believe me it is such a nice bike , which looks and fill very big.

I feel tired it is 4.02, I might have a cigarette and go back to bed

xoxo

thoughts and actions

I haven'                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  t been here for a while, but I am back noe. Why I didn't post for so long? I just didn't thought of doing it. My last post was about the LABLE I received frm the psychiatrist. Now a afew weeks on and I am gaining terrible amount of weight , I am currently 110 kg !!!!

So I decided to take tis in my own hands , meaning - I will stop olazepine , just because from the time of taking it I gained 7kg, which is around 2.5 week. Not good !!!

This makes me even more anxious and unhappy, well the weight gained and the panic attacks I have.
From today I am cutting olazepine and I will see how my weight will go .
I still have my panic attacs which are so kommon now.They make me so exhausted.

I am cutting on fluoxetine as well, and I should stop propranolol. But considering all prons and cons I will stop olazepine and cary on with propranolol and we will see if there is an improvement. I am just so tired and fed up with them attacks.

XOXO

BPD it is

So I have a diagnosis of BPD which isn't a surprise for me. I can say that I knew it , but well, I wanted a professional opinion. So now I understand that this wasn't just my imagination playing but there was an actuall cause to it , called BPD. tHe psychiatrist asked me if I am happy with diagnosis, and I felt like they had given me what I wanted and let me go home. As the psych said they don't want to label people, but this had to be done. There was concern of bipolar, well maybe in some point I suffer of it to. Well I fell like I suffer of all kinds of mental problems some times. Well I know what the main is.

felling it

I feel tired , when I woke up in the morning everything was fine. I had the energy to do anything and then I felt tired and I went to lay down, and woke up very tired. I feel exhausted, and have a massive headache, but I just tried to lay down and I couldn't, I felt my heart pounding, and burning sensation in my chest. So I had to get up and sit down, I felt anxious at this same time, I feel like I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but then I have 3 days off so why not to go.

I am sad and I don't know what is the reason for it. I am feeling tired just so tired.

xoxo

ED, Self Harm, panic attack, anxiety, depression ,mania, hypomania, rage, and many more

     I had done a research again , as I do from time to time. I consider myself fit and capable person , with moments of brake down without particular reason or by outside triggers, where my therapist say that I have high sensitivity of my senses vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch . She might be right and there might nothing particularly wrong with me mentally , or she might be wrong and there is more to that, She mentioned previously that she think that I am Bipolar, although I have never mentioned to her that I think I am Borderline. Though I mentioned that I am suspecting to have a personality disorder , where she asked me , what I mean - which one. I said that maybe schizoid , because I am perceiving people as they are talking about me behind my back , and that I feel like they want to make a harm to me. She finalize it with one word - delusional, yes I am , what is worse than that is that I love people or I hate them , and this she doesn't know. She might suspect that but she had never mentioned it to me . Well if you read my posts you can see from them how I think and that at times I trust and like someone, and then the paranoia takes the turn and I feel like I hate that person, and then they will do something nice to me and I become to love them again. It is like a confused circle which doesn't end . Example can be my mother, at times I feel like I love her but most times I hate her as she made so much damage to me when I was a child; my senior manager before I transferred to the store I work for now , he was my guru and then he become the worse person the devil himself - in my eyes, I still hate him thou , coz he didn't even tried to repair the damage he cause to me.



I learned today that in fact I have bulimia, well the doctors knew about it but they didn't take any action to help me with that. I had a post that one doc, said that I have bulimia , and I thought how he can diagnose that without an assessment. So I researched and that is how MAYO Clinic describes it:

Diagnostic criteria for bulimia
To be diagnosed with bulimia, you must meet these criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association:
You repeatedly binge, eating an abnormally large amount of food, and feel that you can't control your eating.
You get rid of the extra calories from bingeing by vomiting, excessive exercise, fasting, or misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications.
You binge and purge at least twice a week for at least three months.
Your body shape and weight influence your feelings of self-worth too much.
You don't have anorexia, an eating disorder with extremely restrictive eating behaviors.

Even if you don't meet all of these criteria, you could still have an eating disorder. Don't try to diagnose yourself — get professional help if you have any eating disorder symptoms.

So I fit those criteria perfectly. Meaning I have bulimia.



   The self harm it's a big issue for me, I remember that I had abused my body in a sexual way from as long as I can remember. Let say the first memory is when I was about 12 - ish. Then I got naked in winter in the small forest and showed my naked body to my four years younger brother, where he suppose to do this same, but he hasn't. I remember that it was cold, loads of snow and we were going to the church , so it had to be Sunday morning, as service was at 10.30 am. I never talked to him about it and I hope I won't be ever talking to him about it. I had inserted different objects to my vagina, I had slept with most disgusting man you can think of, I had inserted objects in my rectum and masturbate rough to cause pain, to hurt myself. I had tided up my breast that they got purple from lack of blood circulations, my nipples had been damaged many times till the blood come out. I bit myself with a wooden stick, my breast get hit with all sorts of things, they had been squished , pulled, bitten, smacked, hit, you name it they had gone through a lot. Why ? I don't know, I feel the urgency to do it sometimes, and I have this voice in my head which is telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a whore am I and how I deserve the worse treatment ever. That the bitch like me needs to be punished, and not to have any pleasure only pain is allowed, at times I cry from the pain. When I was younger it was common for me in winter to go to the forest take off my all clothes and lay in the snow in the freezing cold weather, at times I run and jumped in the forest, making myself think that I am a secret agent who is on the mission. I wasn't scared I had my dogs with me, so even if someone wanted to stop me I had my guards with me.

Then there is hitting with a shoe, stick , hand, fist in the head and the body this usually is because of the pain I feel in my chest and my head, it is overwhelming mental pain with high level of anxiety. This as well add cutting, I cut when I feel rage and when something good happens and I feel like I can not cope with my emotions and the feeling is excessive. I feel hurt and I cut, I feel impatient and nervous I cut, I am sad and worried I cut , I succeed or achieve something I cut, and it really doesn't matter what happened if my emotions change from one extreme to the other then I have to cause myself a pain. They say it is the way of dealing with the feelings.

    Panic attacks, they just came from nowhere and they are disturbing and scary at times. I dislike them the most of all physical issues I have with myself, the cutting , biting, purging it's nothing in comparison to those attacks. They make me weak and frightened, I think it is just because I haven't got the ability to control them , where the other things I have a control and I can choose in some way what I want to do. It is bizarre but the most truthful I have ever thought of, meaning, that now I got to the point of realising why some things happens. Well short story I hate those attacks as I feel vulnerable.

   Anxiety may be caused by external factors - triggers , or just come up without a reason from no where and this is the very best friend of panic disorder which is said to be called Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is :

( GAD) is characterised by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear, and dread. Eventually, the anxiety so dominates the person's thinking that it interferes with daily functioning, including work, school, social activities, and relationships.
What are the symptoms of GAD?

GAD affects the way a person thinks, but the anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, as well. Symptoms of GAD can include:
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
An unrealistic view of problems
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
Irritability
Muscle tension
Headaches
Sweating
Difficulty concentrating
Nausea
The need to go to the toilet frequently
Tiredness
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Trembling
Being easily startled

In addition, people with GAD often have other anxiety disorders (such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and phobias), suffer from depression, and/or abuse drugs or alcohol.

    I don't know anymore how to cope with all that , it feels like I carry too much on my shoulders. I need a break at times, I hate the pain inside me and I hate the anxiety which is so overwhelming that I want to run away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and I am unable to and then I binge on food and purge as I ate to much , and I cut and hit because I suffer , but doing that it cause more pain more physical pain and so I suffer again. I wake up in the morning and feel anxious and I suffer. I shout and scream and harm closest people to me, so when I realise that I suffer, I never apologise even though I know I done a wrong thing.

   The depression is the thing that meets me here and there every so often, makes me tired and very lazy. Makes me sad without a particular reason and anxiety rich the rooftop. I dislike depression so much just because I am unable to think, concentrate, I feel worthless and unable to do anything. Forget the bath and putting clothes on , I will just exist, which means I am unable to move of the bed and I am even to tired to go to the loo. Well I hate that feeling although I love to be in a manic state.

Mania and hypomania those two states I live on for the last few days. Often now and then I got the period of extra motivation and ambitious plans which are


Symptoms

The following features are associated with mania and also occur in hypomania to a less severe extent:
increased energy and activity
feeling full of ideas with racing thoughts
increased confidence and self-esteem
decreased need for sleep
talkativeness
being easily distracted, and darting from one activity to another
elevated mood, but sometimes increased irritability that can quickly turn to anger
increased sociability and over-familiarity
increased sexual desire and decreased inhibitions
increased involvement in pleasurable activities with little thought for consequences, such as going on a spending spree or making reckless financial decisions
lack of insight, or denial that behaviour has changed
increased awareness of senses such as smell and touch.

These symptoms are things people may experience from time to time, but for most people will not be considered severe enough to receive a diagnosis or require treatment.

Well, life is cruel isn't it? I love the ability to cook and bake stuff. Have a mind fulfilled with new ideas and be curious and vigilant to my surroundings, from different perspective view the world. Honestly I know that a few days ago I could sleep day and night, I was fed up and so bored, and now for two or three days I am energetic and active, with ability to lay in bed all day and not falling asleep, to stay awake till late and then sleep 4 - 5 hours at night. If feels good and it is fulfilling.Though there is a bad bit, very bad bit - rage.


    Rage is the best friend and the worse enemy. I just feel like I am tied up by my anger. That anger is MY dark side which wants to get out of me, but is unable to because I still got some power over it at least at times. I am still strong enough to fight it, and  somehow control it a little bit sometimes. But most of the times it is bad, so bad that I even feel bad when I realise what had happened.


So what is wrong with me then? Or maybe everything is about right. Well I shall find out.
xoxo

Anger and irratybility

I was taking my LO to school yesterday and had a weird flashback, I had seen 2 girls walking to school . Their age was maybe 11 , they were having the shoulder messenger bags on them , one pink and one blue. I looked at the bags walking just behind them and it hit me, this feeling when I was scared for some reason, I felt very anxious, and worried for some reason. Then I reminded myself that when I was like 12 I got a messenger bag from my mother, who was living in Brussels at this time , and send us a package with bits for new school year. I got a bag which was blue and pink, like those two bags of those girls, I had a one bag which was a mix of those two. I am not sure why I remembered that. I remember feeling kind of weird all over my body, with the overwhelming anxiety.

Today and yesterday I was so angry, I kept harassing physically my husband , just punching and hitting him without a reason. I had an angry outbursts of rage towards him, my son and myself, which were hard to handle. I shouted again at my son, he just doesn't want to listen, if he would do what I had asked him to do I wouldn't shout at him. But he is stubborn and he tries me , and then I blow out and shout at him, and he gets scared. But why he doesn't learn from that experience and still tries me . I had cut myself just because I felt so unsettled , what I felt was like I had so much of an energy inside  me for the last few days. It felt like it was so overwhelming and I wasn't able to control my emotions and feelings, and I just snapped , with a knife in my hand . I cut once, twice three times and it felt good , I rid of the emotions , I cut them out and then a few more times, just not to feel. Feelings are so hard to handle, they cause so much inside pain, they makes me unsettled , they makes me angry. Temporarily my feelings got sorted but after a while they returned and this is such a bad circle.

I have panic attacks again , they are coming up at the day time now, they are very mild as it is just difficulty breathing, nothing like high blood pressure or oxygen deficiency. I am coping quiet well with that.
I had finished my study and I got my certificate and now I just have to write the letters to the best companies in the area and hope that someone will offer a job or a few hours a week as a voluntary job placement.

I have psychiatric assessment coming up on Friday and guess what , I am frightened. I don't know what to expect , how long it will last, and  what the psychiatrist will ask me about. Daaa , so scary.And I am going to work after that , which makes me anxious now, as I don't know how I would feel , I know I might be very fragile after the assessment and that's scares me. Well I have to hope for the best.


xoxo

addition to the previous post "bit of BPD"

So I thought of emptiness and I must say yes I feel empty , this was the feeling I wasn't sure about. I didn't know how good or bad this is. Now I know.
Considering all pron and cons , the emptiness feels awful  This is the kind of feeling you haven't got , but as well you know that it is there, close to you watching every step and making sure you are not alone . The kind of feeling when you can not think because you feel like there is nothing inside your head and then you feel like your soul had disappeared and is no where to be found.
Now I realized what is that emptiness and not boredom.
Feeling empty is the feeling which squizzes your throat and makes you feel attacked, the feeling so overwhelming that you are not able to do anything. I know now how bad it is to feel the emptiness.

Taking into consideration other bad feelings , emptiness is the worse one because I am unable to deal with that feeling myself. It has to pass all by itself, that is so strange. This feeling makes you feel like you don't exist, like you are not living nor existing. This feels like you are all by yourself and that you are completely numb, the feelings are turned off , you don't feel pain either.

It is bad, the numbness, emptiness, lacking thoughts, non existing , thats how emptiness feels.

xoxo

bit of BPD

As I have no idea what is really wrong with me I thought I will give you a detailed example for BPD and next time Bipolar disorder . There will be some quotes from this website: http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/understading-bpd/a-bpd-brief/ ,
as well as my own experience examples and real events which can be perceived as BPD.




“For a patient to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, he or she must experience 5 out of the 9 criteria as set forth in the DSM-IV TR.
Establishing the diagnosis is complicated by the fact that the presence of many of these criteria fluctuates. Here is a more detailed explanation of these symptoms:




Abandonment Fears. These fears should be distinguished from the more common and less severe phenomena of separation anxiety. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in the BPD patient’s self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. Individuals with BPD are interpersonally hypersensitive and may experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with criticisms or time-limited separations. These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-injurious or suicidal behaviours. It was originally postulated that fear of abandonment developed as a result of failures in a child’s development during the rapprochement phase (from age one-and-a-half to two-and-a-half). However, empirical evidence has not borne this out.”




My experience of fearing abandonment are very common to people who are close to me , people I trust or just think I trust, people who are not exactly my loved once but the people I am surrounded with.

1. The store manager- The man I have a great faith in as well as trust , I believe he is a man of a word and that he genuinely care, in some way I can say I love him. Then there is this intense jealousy , which takes my mind and soul, I feel cheated and let down , and it is just because he is laughing with another member of staff. Then I want him to be acting this way with me. I feel angry and in so much pain , my chest is heavy and I can’t stop thinking about it, even after he will come over to say something or approach me for any reason I will act like I don’t care, but I really do. I suffer as he then acts very distant with me , and I want him to behave silly with me as well, so jealous.




2. Co worker , name her J – when she talks to me and I see that she engages with me on different levels I love it , I dearly love her smile and the way she talks, but I hate that she talks to other people. The hurtful thing is when she talks to A, he is handsome and loves to talk with her. I know she even considered to have sex with him . I am very jealous when I see them two talking to each other.




3. My therapist , when she says to me “ I am afraid that we have to finish now “ on our sessions. I get frustrated and down when we have to finish , I hate that I hate when we finish , and I am so unhappy about it. I am sure that most people are, just because you are unable to finish your thoughts, then again on the next visit you are unable to continue with the subject from the last session. It irritates me so much and make me very upset, but I am not showing that to her as I don’t want to be judged. Though one day when I was leaving the other person was coming over , I have met him at the door and felt so awkward.




4. When I was in the relationship with my then boyfriend ( now my husband ), I hated when his friends were constantly around. I hated them , why they are coming over like always, every day , that was so unfair, I wanted to have him all to myself, just him and me. Still now when we are going home and when he meets with his friends I get angry , but I am not saying anything, I tell him that I don’t mind him seeing his friends as this is only like a few times a year. But it hurts me a lot , and I feel jealous.




“Unstable, Intense Relationships. Individuals with BPD are frequently unable to see significant others (i.e., potential sources of care or protection) as other than idealized (if gratifying), or devalued (if not gratifying). This is often referred to as “black and white thinking,” and in psychological terms, reflects the construct of “splitting.” When anger initially intended toward a loved one is experienced as dangerous, it gets “split” off to preserve the loved one’s goodness. Relationship instability is thought to be a symptom of early insecure attachment characterized by both fearful distrust and needy dependency.”




1. As before see the note about the store manager, I hate him dearly when he is not behaving as I expect him, and then I love him when he pays attention to me.




2. I love my husband very much, but when he doesn’t do what I asked him to or hesitate with whatever I expect him to do, I immediately get very angry and I can shout out loud how much I hate him.




3. At work I have K., another team leader, when she is nice to me I feel like I like her so much, but when she is nasty to me I sincerely hate her .





“Identity Disturbance. The disorder of self which is specific to borderline patients is characterized by a distorted, unstable or weak self-image. Borderline patients often have values, habits, and attitudes which are dominated by whomever they are with. The interpersonal context in which these identity problems get magnified is thought to begin with not learning to identify one’s feeling states and the motives behind one’s behaviour.”




I don’t think I have any of that , but I might be mistaken. Well I still have the time to find it out.




“Impulsivity. The impulsivity of the borderline individual has been frequently self-damaging, in its effects if not in its intentions. This differs from impulsivity found in other disorders such as manic/hypomanic or antisocial disorders. Common forms of impulsive behaviour for borderline patients are substance or alcohol abuse, bulimia, unprotected sex, promiscuity, and reckless driving.”




1. Binge eating

2. Bulimia

3. Spending sprees




“Suicide or Self-injurious behaviours. Recurrent suicidal attempts, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behaviours are the hallmark of the borderline patient. The criterion is so prototypical of persons with BPD that the diagnosis rightly comes to mind whenever recurrent self-destructive behaviours are encountered. Self-destructive acts often start in early adolescence and are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection or by expectations that the BPD patient assume unwanted responsibilities. The presence of this pattern assists the diagnosis of concurrent BPD in patients whose presenting symptoms are depression or anxiety.”




1. Cutting

2. Scratching

3. Pinching

4. Hitting

5. Smacking
6. Gnashing of teeth




“Affective (Emotional) Instability. Early clinical observers noted the intensity, volatility and range of the borderline patient’s emotions. It was originally proposed that borderline emotional instability involved the same problems of affective irregularity found in persons with mood disorders, particularly depression and bipolar disorder. It is now known that although individuals with BPD display marked affective instability (i.e., intense episodic depression, unrest, anger, panic, or despair), these mood changes usually last only a few hours, and that the underlying dysphoric mood is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction. These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to stress, particularly interpersonal ones and a neurobiologically-based inability to regulate emotions.”




1. I get upset very easily, if someone will ignore me or if I will have a bad dream this will affect me. When I get to work my mood changes directly, it depends with who I am so I will be in a good or bad mood, I will feel settled or anxious, I will be sad or happy. My emotions are changing with or without a trigger as I watch TV , hear the music it brings all the different feelings.




“Emptiness. Chronic emptiness, described as a visceral feeling, usually felt in the abdomen or chest, plagues the borderline patient. It is not boredom, nor is it a feeling of existential anguish. This feeling state is associated with loneliness and neediness. Sometimes their experience is considered an emotional state and sometimes it is considered a state of deprivation”




I am uncertain if I feel this kind of emptiness , although there are times I feel the emptiness.




Anger. The anger of the borderline patient may be due to temperamental excess (a genetic vulnerability) or a longstanding response to excessive frustration (an environmental cause). Whether the cause is genetic or environmental, many individuals with BPD report feeling angry much of the time, even when the anger is not expressed overtly. Anger is often elicited when an intimate or caregiver is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning. Expressions of anger are often followed by shame and contribute to a sense of being evil.

I feel angry very often and sometimes the smallest thing can make me furious. The last big angry outburst was when K., at work, lied about me , she called a deputy while I was on my way to the department as she tannoy me , and I overheard her saying that : Fay left the department and went to the warehouse , who knows for how long. The truth was that I left another colleague to take care of the customer service desk and checkouts. Well I angrily confronted her and told her not to lie because I have left a person in charge when I went away.

“Psychotic-like Perpetual Distortions (Lapses in Reality Testing). Borderline patients can experience dissociation symptoms: feeling unreal or that the world is unreal. These symptoms are associated with other disorders, such as schizophrenia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but in those with BPD the symptoms generally are of short duration, at most, a few days, and often occur during situations of extreme stress. Borderline patients also can be unrealistically self-conscious, believing that others are critically looking at or talking about them. These lapses of reality in the BPD patient may also be distinguished from other pathologies in that generally the ability to correct their distortions of reality with feedback remains intact.”




1. I have feelings of detachment from reality , I feel like I am but I am not, at this same time.

2. I have panic attacks which come from nowhere and last different durations , but no longer than an hour

3. I feel like people are gossiping about me , not good things, and like they just are being cruel that way.

xoxo

Psychiatric assessment

I got my assessment date with community mental health team psychiatrist and psychologist , it will be the Friday 22 of march. I feel scared that they will find that there is more to the way I am behaving than I ever thought it is . On the other hand I will appreciate if they just would tell me that I have depression and anxiety and that there is a simple cure to that. I will be glad if it will go smoothly as I don't want to wait for ages , as you usually have to, and I hope they will be able to sort it out the anxiety attacks, and I will rid of them finally. I am so interested of the way they will do it, and what will be the outcome.

xoxo

Am I becoming delusional? I said before that I love my job, and the store manager is such a lovely man with big heart, considering, and fair. But hold on , now I am getting the feeling like I am getting jealous of him, like when he talks to other people I got thoughts, like - why he is laughing? - why he is joking with someone, - why he doesn't talk to me. Especially i got jealous or angry if he have a laugh with a woman or someone who I hate , and then the whole situation affects me. I hate him, I feel cheated , I have this weird disappointing  feeling which makes me aware of those delusions. On the other side I work very hard , for some reason, to make HIM proud?! I don't understand that I treat him like a father at times , and sometimes I want him as a lover, I would like to have a closer relationship with him. I feel weird , as I feel for some reason I need him so much in my life, but the feelings I have for him are not normal. Today I get to the point that I would rather try to find a different job , than stay in current one. Because of those strange feelings. I got upset with him, and I won't speak to him if I feel hurt, or ignored and I know when he is not in mood, so then I will avoid him as well. I just constantly think of him at work , when he is in the store. It is bad and unprofessional , and I can not stop my feelings which annoys me even more.

I just feel so weird about that.

xoxo

and here I cried

I haven't been in such a distress for ages, what happened was someone had made a false allegations against me and I didn't handle it well at all. Let me tell you what had happened.

I had asked , politely ! one of my colleagues to do some work , using words - can you please . What had happened the monkey got unhappy for some reason and made a complaint that I had been rude to him , and that he is such a poor monkey and he needs to be petty. I went to make it all straight and got very upset about it. I won't let some stupid little man spread the lies so I fought for my truth. Where there in the room in my presence he still insisted that I was rude to him. I said I want a disciplinary action to be taken against him , handle the whole situation quiet well and went back to work without disturbing thoughts and just kind a chilled about it. I said that I will write a complaint letter with a grievance to the store manager for today and I will bring it over, unfortunately I wasn't able to put my head together and write this letter. So I went to work today, everything was fin he was off today so I didn't had to see him. Though at the end of the shift I went to talk to the store manager and then he mention that he needs to talk to me. He said that Mo came to see him today and said that I had been very rude to him, and then I broke in tears. I felt cheated, abused, angry , I cried and felt ashamed, as it was on front of my manager. I said my part and I said that I just can not deal with such a stupid accusations and this makes me so upset. He at the end said he will speak to him and find out what in his opinion is being rude.
But I don't want that, I feel like this won't be enough I will raise the grievance as he was accusing me of things I haven't done. I felt very fragile and vulnerable , but I have no idea why exactly. I felt distressed and offended, as I take such a pride in my work and for me respect is a very important part of being a professional in the job I am doing. Then I went to see A. my therapist, I cried on my way there and then I cried on the session.

 Crying didn't made me feel better, I felt in so much mental pain that when I went to changing room I wanted to cut myself, I thought even about killing myself when I was on my way to the therapy session. I tried to think of something completely different just to take my attention from the pain. I somehow coped without making any physical harm to my body although wanting is so badly . I felt broken and kind a destructed, I started to feel angry at the end of the session as I had imagined myself hitting his face with my fist, and then knocking him on the ground and kicking him. This brought release and made me feel way better.

How strange, this image brought relief of the pain , maybe not a completed relief but big somehow.
I felt so elated after realising it , like I got the energy from nowhere.

I will think now on the way I will handle it , and maybe this is the time to tell my manager about my health issues.


xoxo

fuck all

I woke up in a good mood, went to work in a good mood, then a bit of time passed by and I got really frustrated. I was so angry at some point that I wanted to go to the toilet and just cut and cut and cut. I haven't done it , good, but it was so scary to even think about it. Because whatever I think of I will have a clear picture of the actual situation, well so that was frightening.

I am knocked and I am awake at 5.30 am on sunday. Seriously,  there must be something really wrong with me , I went to bed at 1.30am after 12 hour shift  and I woke up around 4.30 am. So that's not a good sign.

xoxo

total turnaround

I am anxious and unable to think why, I just had a nap , at 9am!! daaaa, it's a bit weird. 5 minutes ago I realised that my chest hurts, I thought yes panic attack. Now I have difficulty breathing and caugh, my chest still hurts but not as much, I try not to think aboj tnit , but really how can you not?
I feel like not going to work today, just because I don't feel like going. On the other hand I feel energised and ready to roll, this panic attack annoys me. I hate when it happens, I feel exhausted, my stomach and my head hurts, I can not breath I feel hot and I want it to stop.
My god I feel so angry because of the attack and I don't feel like going to work. I am not tirednbut I would rather spend a day in bed .
I had a dream while having my nap, I dreamed about my husband brother who really doesn't talk to us nither the family in general. well it's a long story but there is a lot to do with his wife,  she had a power over him, now he saying that he doesn't have the money or the timento visit, well thats what he want letnit be.
I feel  tired in some way, and I don't want to do anything. My pannic attackmjust passed, it lasted 20 min. I should really see a doctor about it as it makes me so angry. Well but i dont trust those stupid doctors.

By the way it is very unusual as for me to wake up early ( 6am) and start baking danish pastries!

Yes that was so weird, I realise it after the fact when I started toprepare the dough and the ingridience which I needed for baking them. The most bizzare thing is I don't really like to cook , don't tell me about baking , I am really bad when it comes to that , so as you can see that was odd then my normal morning. I made a custard to go with danish and peaches in sirup. They are really tasety, mmmm. 

I think that I need to start diet again , as I feel so heavy , and that I make myself sick doesn't help. Right , I feel massive, then add me being bloated- or feeling it, than stomak cramps, and wind. So it is time to stop the binge and work very hard on stopping high food intake and start eating small portions often. Let see how it goes, I am positive, I really need it. I need to loose half of the weight I am now , and believe me I am massive 16.5 stone!!!! Aaaaaa, I didn't realise how bad it sounds until I had seein written in here. WOW :( SO BAD, SO VERY BAD!

Well I am going to work today, then through the weekend and monday and tuesday. I really doesn't want to go, ooooowwwww, I pity myself.
xoxo

Different

When I woke up today I frlt energised, in mood to move mountains. I had controlled my eating through the whole morning, and I even baked some croissants and a puff pasty dough , and made a nice custard cream to put in the pastry. I have made ampail of nice sweetmpancakes and I felt so happy. I realised that it is very hard for me to concentrate as I started to read about BPD , and then I realised I again think about compleatly different things while reading , so evrything I read justnwent out of my mind, well that's common.
I feel happy well kind of now, as I started to realise that it is another stage of ME. I would want to feel that way all the time, without a brake .
Xoxo

trust

So I am back, I had seen A. today and told her that I had received a letter with the appointment date and time for my psychiatric assessment. That the time didn't fit me at all as it was 9.30 am where at this time I could possibly be like a half way to the place of my destination, so I called them up and said that the time doesn't suit me. The lady told me that they will be in touch within a week if I don't hear from them until then, I should call them up. Fair enough, right.

We talked about trust today, I was really in the mood for insight conversation about how I feel recently. I have said that I don't trust the doctors and I am having return of panic attacks , as I had stopped mirtazepine, as it give me all the possible side effects including such a bad wind that you can not imagine :( so embarrassed.

So let's go back to the trust issues, so I said I am unable to go back to the doctors as they disappoint me so much, and I have lost the last hope when I had the bad interaction of the mirtazepine and I called the GP to call me back , she never did. I lost it then completely. Wow , right why do we pay for their services where their service is crap.

Any ways so go back to trust. I'm loosing it , I feel frightened and so disappointed  A. asked me if she have done anything to me so to feel like I can not trust her, no she hasn't , but all the doctors I had seen for the past year made me feel foolish. I feel like I wasted my time and effort by visiting them , and they weren't really able to help me. Now I had finally been referred for the assessment, although it is all thanks to A. as she called up my GP and told her about the concerns she had.

How weird is that I want to cut my arm just to see the blood coming out of it, I imagine a deep cut wound, and it's frighten me. For some reason I have this persistent thought in my mind for a few days now. It makes me feel anxious, but I know My LO is out of school for a week so he keeps me sane , as I don't wan't him to get scared, so I am pretty sure I won't harm myself while I am with him.

Trust had been always an issue with me , I say I trust but deep down in my mind I am so afraid that people will use my deepest secrets to hurt me. Like I said to A. today, you know so much about me , but I know nothing about you. Then she asked me why am I frightened , if there is anything in particular that had happened and it does have an impact on me. The only thought I had today was the GP , the thought of their failure to acknowledge me as a human being who really needs help. I hate them.

I told her that I fear and worry about things I can not even think of. I just have this strong weird feelings in my body, and at times it is really overwhelming.
A. mentioned as well that she realised that I don't finish what I was talking about, like she asks me if there is something in particular which affects my feeling, and I answered completely out of blue starting a totally new subject about dreams. She asked me if I know why I do that? I don't know I never thought of that. So I learned that I am like running away from the answers, and she pointed out that last time I told her like I feel that the session feels so unfinished for the first time.
She as well made me realise that I fear abandonment, and somehow, I feel like she had pointed out that I am afraid that she will abandon me , and that is where my trust issues lay.

We spoke about me being like 7 and have an afternoon nap wit my neighbors in their parents big soft bed, where sun was shining outside and it was very peaceful. There was me, my brother and the three neighbor children. I felt so good, the memory had put a smile on my face, and made me feel so good so warm inside. Then she asked me if I can describe my hose and I said it looks grey, plain, sad which was a total opposition to my neighbor house. I remember looking through the window, and it was so sunny and so nice I just loved it.

I told her about the panic attacks which are coming back and that they worry me so much , I am just afraid that they will start happening in the less expected moments and I am not sure how I would cope with that. It just freaking worries me.

And then the bloody overeating, massive amount of weight on my shoulders. I feel completely out of control, I am even unable to think the way I want to think, my mind feels blank, and plain. On the other hand I have so many different thoughts in my mind and can't concentrate on any of them.



I am tired.

XOXO

struggle

I want to be thin and smart and rich and Happy , don't have any problems , no anxiety , no anxiety attacks. No more pills and no more of being frightened, I am so tired and it is just a matter of eating sleeping and working. That's how my days looks like, sleep, eat, work eat home eat and eat in between. Food is taking over , big time. I just can not stop eating, like a freaking pig, shovel everything I find, I realised that I even don't taste the food I eat I just eat. I gain a pound, bad very bad, but I can not stop, fuck sake I just can not stop eating !!!!

I want to beat myself for being such a worthless, piece of shit who can not even control their own weight, like I had lost 2,5 stone and now I gained back a stone!! WTF !!

How to stop it, I make myself sick , but it doesn't help much does it , as I gained a stone!!
I am freaking tired, fed up , angry, agitated, frustrated, I hate myself for the way it is.

I need motivation, please help!!

I fell like cutting and bruising my body , but would it help?

I need to loose another at least 5 stones, how to stop eating?