trust

So I am back, I had seen A. today and told her that I had received a letter with the appointment date and time for my psychiatric assessment. That the time didn't fit me at all as it was 9.30 am where at this time I could possibly be like a half way to the place of my destination, so I called them up and said that the time doesn't suit me. The lady told me that they will be in touch within a week if I don't hear from them until then, I should call them up. Fair enough, right.

We talked about trust today, I was really in the mood for insight conversation about how I feel recently. I have said that I don't trust the doctors and I am having return of panic attacks , as I had stopped mirtazepine, as it give me all the possible side effects including such a bad wind that you can not imagine :( so embarrassed.

So let's go back to the trust issues, so I said I am unable to go back to the doctors as they disappoint me so much, and I have lost the last hope when I had the bad interaction of the mirtazepine and I called the GP to call me back , she never did. I lost it then completely. Wow , right why do we pay for their services where their service is crap.

Any ways so go back to trust. I'm loosing it , I feel frightened and so disappointed  A. asked me if she have done anything to me so to feel like I can not trust her, no she hasn't , but all the doctors I had seen for the past year made me feel foolish. I feel like I wasted my time and effort by visiting them , and they weren't really able to help me. Now I had finally been referred for the assessment, although it is all thanks to A. as she called up my GP and told her about the concerns she had.

How weird is that I want to cut my arm just to see the blood coming out of it, I imagine a deep cut wound, and it's frighten me. For some reason I have this persistent thought in my mind for a few days now. It makes me feel anxious, but I know My LO is out of school for a week so he keeps me sane , as I don't wan't him to get scared, so I am pretty sure I won't harm myself while I am with him.

Trust had been always an issue with me , I say I trust but deep down in my mind I am so afraid that people will use my deepest secrets to hurt me. Like I said to A. today, you know so much about me , but I know nothing about you. Then she asked me why am I frightened , if there is anything in particular that had happened and it does have an impact on me. The only thought I had today was the GP , the thought of their failure to acknowledge me as a human being who really needs help. I hate them.

I told her that I fear and worry about things I can not even think of. I just have this strong weird feelings in my body, and at times it is really overwhelming.
A. mentioned as well that she realised that I don't finish what I was talking about, like she asks me if there is something in particular which affects my feeling, and I answered completely out of blue starting a totally new subject about dreams. She asked me if I know why I do that? I don't know I never thought of that. So I learned that I am like running away from the answers, and she pointed out that last time I told her like I feel that the session feels so unfinished for the first time.
She as well made me realise that I fear abandonment, and somehow, I feel like she had pointed out that I am afraid that she will abandon me , and that is where my trust issues lay.

We spoke about me being like 7 and have an afternoon nap wit my neighbors in their parents big soft bed, where sun was shining outside and it was very peaceful. There was me, my brother and the three neighbor children. I felt so good, the memory had put a smile on my face, and made me feel so good so warm inside. Then she asked me if I can describe my hose and I said it looks grey, plain, sad which was a total opposition to my neighbor house. I remember looking through the window, and it was so sunny and so nice I just loved it.

I told her about the panic attacks which are coming back and that they worry me so much , I am just afraid that they will start happening in the less expected moments and I am not sure how I would cope with that. It just freaking worries me.

And then the bloody overeating, massive amount of weight on my shoulders. I feel completely out of control, I am even unable to think the way I want to think, my mind feels blank, and plain. On the other hand I have so many different thoughts in my mind and can't concentrate on any of them.



I am tired.

XOXO