and here I cried

I haven't been in such a distress for ages, what happened was someone had made a false allegations against me and I didn't handle it well at all. Let me tell you what had happened.

I had asked , politely ! one of my colleagues to do some work , using words - can you please . What had happened the monkey got unhappy for some reason and made a complaint that I had been rude to him , and that he is such a poor monkey and he needs to be petty. I went to make it all straight and got very upset about it. I won't let some stupid little man spread the lies so I fought for my truth. Where there in the room in my presence he still insisted that I was rude to him. I said I want a disciplinary action to be taken against him , handle the whole situation quiet well and went back to work without disturbing thoughts and just kind a chilled about it. I said that I will write a complaint letter with a grievance to the store manager for today and I will bring it over, unfortunately I wasn't able to put my head together and write this letter. So I went to work today, everything was fin he was off today so I didn't had to see him. Though at the end of the shift I went to talk to the store manager and then he mention that he needs to talk to me. He said that Mo came to see him today and said that I had been very rude to him, and then I broke in tears. I felt cheated, abused, angry , I cried and felt ashamed, as it was on front of my manager. I said my part and I said that I just can not deal with such a stupid accusations and this makes me so upset. He at the end said he will speak to him and find out what in his opinion is being rude.
But I don't want that, I feel like this won't be enough I will raise the grievance as he was accusing me of things I haven't done. I felt very fragile and vulnerable , but I have no idea why exactly. I felt distressed and offended, as I take such a pride in my work and for me respect is a very important part of being a professional in the job I am doing. Then I went to see A. my therapist, I cried on my way there and then I cried on the session.

 Crying didn't made me feel better, I felt in so much mental pain that when I went to changing room I wanted to cut myself, I thought even about killing myself when I was on my way to the therapy session. I tried to think of something completely different just to take my attention from the pain. I somehow coped without making any physical harm to my body although wanting is so badly . I felt broken and kind a destructed, I started to feel angry at the end of the session as I had imagined myself hitting his face with my fist, and then knocking him on the ground and kicking him. This brought release and made me feel way better.

How strange, this image brought relief of the pain , maybe not a completed relief but big somehow.
I felt so elated after realising it , like I got the energy from nowhere.

I will think now on the way I will handle it , and maybe this is the time to tell my manager about my health issues.


xoxo