It is hard to live as me. I am troubled mind with the mood reaching the sky high. I am unable to control myself , as my therapist said on the last session that there are people who can not resist the need of having a chocolate , or a cigarette , alcohol, food etc. but with me is more than food and dieting and cigarettes. I am one of those people who feels like a failure constantly. Did you ever had the voice in your head telling you what to do ? How worthless you are and that you don't deserve to be happy, what a nightmare you are as you are fat , overeat , making yourself sick , sex with a disgusting man ,cutting , punching, hitting yourself and you just can not resist the need of doing so. Then you feel sad because you ask yourself why? Why do I do that why I don't have a control over my own life, why I hurt myself with the rage, and those closest to me. I wonder, how it is to be ordinary, the life most likely is much easier, I want to believe. For me I have to fight the nightmares of everyday living. I can not be alone, as when I am, I have this disturbing thought and voices in my head which doesn't want to shut up. Even if I want the other me to shut the hell up , she might laugh, saying how much stronger she is , than that weak me, which everyday wakes up facing all the challenges. The other me is the thought one, she doesn't give a shit about anything and anyone, and sometimes I wish that she might stay out forever, and this little scared me will go to the second plan. Only to come out when there is no storm outside ( peaceful day with sun shining and kind ppl around) . Well that's how I think about her. I like the rough me coz I know I can handle a lot then , and no one will be able to take advantage of me. There is the other point I had decided that I won't see the man with whom I cheat on my husband , just because I realised how disgusted I am by him . He is awful and so stupid and just OMG not worth it. Well I presume that sleeping with him was like a punishment for me , although for what ? I haven't got idea. I always had someone disgusting on the side, only for the sex, I always felt physically dirty , ashamed , I felt like I deserve to feel belittled. Though I hate when in my professional life someone belittles me , then I feel attacked and try to hide I think that everyone is against me , and I am so fragile at that point. Although I will fight my husband if tries to do that, he is not able to make me small if he do I either feel very small and cry or very rough and powerful and then I hurt him.
Well I still discover who I am , what happened in my life to cause such a chaos. If this was my parents fault and I got to he point that I felt so abandoned then I looked for a bit of attention in men and my weapon was sex for that matter. Or I am an attention seeker , I definitely am , but why? I want to be the best in everything I do , I want to show that I am capable of everything . At work I try to be as strong as I possibly can , but it doesn't work like that sometimes.
Well now my therapist is telling that she thinks I am more of bipolar to her, fair enough , you know that life is like never ending story , we still discover chapters everyday writing he pages of the life we live . She knows what to look up for when I am coming to see her where for me , when I saw psychiatrist it was like hours may by days. Well she said she will try to feedback her observations to the psychiatrist I see. She even thinks I might need more psychiatrist then therapist , well I don't know . I feels comfortable with her, but now I suspect that she doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see her. Is it true ? Or is it another part of me being irrational. I want to discover who I am and I will take everything they are able to offer to find out who I am and why I am like I am.
Thought life.
Xoxo
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