pain

It's 2.30am , and I feel very low, just because I feel like I missed so much in my life. Now I know what's wrong with me and what steps I should take to make it better. But now I am 32 years old and that's my problem , I feel old and like I can not do so many things. I feel down because I gained those bloody 10kg , grrryyyy, but the hell I still overeat, so why I moan?!

I moan because I gained weight and I feel so low , and I feel sad, and I comforting myself eating, and it is the bloody circle which has no end , right? As this will repeat again and again , like a bloddy pattern.

I think about my grandparents, they died , and I feel so sad , they died years ago. But now I remember visiting them , and it is nice sunny weather. The grass is green , the trees have lovely green leves, it's sunny and so peaceful. I haven't cried for a long time , and I have tears in my eyes now. I feel heavy in my cheast and so sad, I miss that time , I want to go back , I feel like I want to be this little girl back again. I feel like then I was happy , worry free. My heart hurts and tears drop from my chicks. It feels weird, I don't understand why this is happening. I am getting concious now,split minustes, and I feel better. Although still sad but better.

I woke up to another panic attack , which is so dreadful. I feellike now I am taking control over it , not fully but I am trying to distract myself , so then the attack last way shorter then they did before.

I think about my nan again, and it just makes me more sad and brings those childhood memories. And I feel like I don't want to think ABOUT IT . So good night, till the next time.

xoxo